doubts and fears about my book

I don’t know what kind of day I have been having. It started very early, like 0430 early. I got some writing done. Had breakfast but that was the only thing I have eaten today. I am too tired to make something to eat. The leftover Chinese wasn’t enough to fill me up. I just had a banana. Hopefully that ties me over until tomorrow. Missing two meals is a big deal but there is nothing I can do about it now.

I saw my PCP today and he is trying to reassure me that I don’t have CES again with my foot problem. Meanwhile I am trying to convince him that I still have nerve damage in my foot. He wants me to see yet another flipping doctor. UGH. I will but I am going to keep my tongue in check when he says there is nothing wrong with me or that I just have a case of chronic tendonitis. If he decides to put me in a damn boot he has another thing coming to him. I am not wearing a boot. I wore one for almost three months and it didn’t do shit. Well it did do something, took out my hip flexor muscle. That felt so good (insert sarcasm here) NOT!

I had a chat with my therapist today. We talked about my doubts about my book. We also talked about my fears that I have. And the more we talked, the more I didn’t want to publish. Then my editor says she is changing her policy and I freak out so I IM’d her to find out if this includes me. I sent her two chapters of my book so she can get an idea of what my writing style is. I am hoping she will be ok with it. I really want to work with her and I think she wants to work with me. I just have one more payment for her and then it still is a waiting game on when she can fit me in. But all this waiting is driving me nuts. I have decided to print off the copy of the book and there are like six blank pages. I am printing blank pages that are costing me money! DOH! I figure I can read the book again and see of something pops out at me that I should change or add to. And what is really killing me is that I emailed my book to some people and they backed out of reading it. Didn’t have the courtesy of letting me know, for a MONTH now. I am kind of pissed but I understand that life gets in the way. But they should have let me know sooner rather than later!

So my therapist wants me to get someone to read it to give me some feedback on the book before it is published. Problem is, I don’t have many “real” people to do this. I don’t have a best friend that I can talk to about this and give him or her my book and let them tell me how it is. I might have to ask someone on Facebook to help me. I don’t know who else to ask. Course most of my status posts go ignored. Course I am at the point where I think publishing is going to open a can of worms I might not be ready for. This book is very personal, like my blog. But I don’t think my family reads my blog and knows how suicidal I have been over the years or that I poop and pee my pants every now and then or that I am even transgendered. They know that I suffered from a nerve injury. They know that I am gay. They know I suffer from depression. They know I have been hospitalized numerous times but they never knew why. This book is the why. Just thinking about it is making me nervous. Part of me just wants to say the hell with the editor and hit send to publish it and another part of me wants to just delete the book. Do all writers feel like this when their baby is finished? Or is it just me because I am a suicide attempt survivor? I don’t know. I never have written a book before now. If anyone reading this can provide some input in the comments, I would be most appreciative.

My therapist thinks it’s a wonderful thing that I have written a book because no one has before. I find that hard to believe. Granted my book deals with a lot of issues and illnesses. I just hope that I can make it coherent enough to explain the different sides that all contributed to my suicidality. My therapist thinks that I should write an Epilogue to say all this stuff. But I think the intro will do that just fine. My only fear right now is that it will be too much for my editor. I don’t think she has dealt with this kind of stuff before. And I am worried that it will overwhelm her and she pulls out an all stop.