i don’t feel anguish

Been thinking about how I am not feeling suicidal every day anymore. It is weird. I don’t know exactly what I feel. I feel sort of numb but also feel contentment. And the strange part is that I haven’t take a drug to make me feel this way. I just feel differently about my life. I am not saying I have a future because I don’t. Trying to see a future is still dark and gray. But today and tomorrow don’t look as bad as they once did. Maybe the stress of not working is a good thing. But I am still isolated in what I am doing. I still wish I was dead but it’s not as strong as it was.

I don’t know when the change occurred. And that’s what bothers me because I can go back to my depressed suicidal self at any time. I think I’ve given up on killing myself because I can’t go through with it. IF I could do it tomorrow, I would but I can’t. Is it possible to be suicidal without feeling it. I’m just numb all the time. I don’t know if that is good or bad.

To go from feeling suicidal all the time to nothing is a very scary place for me. Sure if given the chance, I might kill myself. But I don’t want to. Yet I don’t want to live either. I just go on being. I wouldn’t call this living. Being trapped in my room is not living. I barely go out anymore, not even for a mocha or latte. I have lost interest in things. I don’t watch TV anymore yet I record my shows. My DVR is most likely full right now and I don’t care. I still have to transfer the world Series to my computer and have not done so yet. I could careless right now about it.

I am in a constant depressed state yet I don’t show it. I would love to run a knife through my chest to try and kill myself but my family needs me too much. I don’t want them cleaning up the mess. I don’t feel distressed. I don’t feel anguish. I just want to die. I want to stop breathing air. But then I will hear my favorite song on my playlist and it will get me out of the funk that I am in and make me sing and smile. Everyday is a struggle. Sometimes I don’t listen to music. But today I need to to break the monotony in my brain. I have noticed that my typing and thoughts are slow today. It is painful writing this experience down. Every word is like pulling a tooth out. But I think it is important to write about this experience because I may not feel like this again. The darkness doesn’t rule my heart but neither does the light. I am just trying to keep my heart on the tracks. I sometimes get derailed and it hurts.