stupidly depressed

Despite feeling like shit, I forced myself to go out with friends tonight. It was good but now I am very exhausted and not looking forward to tomorrow’s appointment with dear old dad. If I liked his doc, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, but I just don’t like him. He rushes through everything and doesn’t leave you time to ask questions about things.

I know the depression is getting worse. Today I was writing with the same pen I always use and it felt heavy. Like suddenly it gained twenty pounds and I couldn’t hold it in my hand. It was so hard to grasp. It almost made me cry but I was in a very public place so I sucked it up. I really NEVER felt like that before. How can a pen suddenly feel heavy? Easy when you have a depression that makes you exhausted. I feel like emailing my psychiatrist but what is she going to do? I will page her tomorrow, or try to. I think I need to be back on an anti-depressant. Maybe remeron or something. Just to get me over this hump that I am in. Maybe it will help decrease the constant suicidal press that I feel.

I emailed my writing friend for some spiritual help with my dad. I am not a praying person but she is so I asked her if she would say a prayer for him. I know he will never be 100% again but if his swelling goes down, I will be grateful. I know one prayer might not work but at least if I have some one that cares about him, maybe it will work. If that is how things go. It’s hard for me to pray because I never go to church anymore, unless it is a wedding or a funeral. And the last time I was there, for my aunt who passed, I was too overcome with emotion to really pray for anybody.

I don’t know how I seemed to have “slipped” into this depression. I could blame the Sox as they have sucked most of the season already but that is too easy. I just feel really down and I don’t care about a lot of stuff that I used to. I have a lot of things weighing on my mind, mostly financial things and how to afford my medication this month. I still have a month before I am on state care. But I haven’t even applied yet. I have been too lazy to think about it and it bothers me that I “forget” because this is so important.

I feel so bogged down in things. I don’t shower regularly. I don’t brush my teeth regularly. I don’t leave my room unless the house is on fire. I must stay in my room 20 hours a day, some for sleeping, most for doing stuff on the laptop or reading a book or writing. But none of that stuff interests me anymore. I have a new journal that I want to start writing in but I haven’t. I started a new book but I am getting frustrated with it because it keeps going back and forth with time. First it is in the 1840s then it’s 1860 and then back to the 40s. WTH. Move forward or don’t move at all. I know somewhere in there Abraham Lincoln becomes nominated for president, but they haven’t mentioned this at all and that is frustrating me! So I think I need to read another book. But what? I also need to write in my co-authored book but I have no mind for that while I am in this depression. I can barely keep up with my blogs. It is just that everything is overwhelming me. I just don’t know what to do anymore, what to do with myself anymore. I used to have a routine. I would have therapy and then I would shower and get dressed and then go to Starbucks for my coffee. Or I would just get dressed and head to Starbucks. Now I don’t even do that anymore. I shower just twice a week, if that. And that is, if I feel like it. Most times I don’t, so I procrastinate another damn day. Then I stink more.

And I don’t know what is going on with my bladder. I think I have an infection and I should get checked out but I just can’t be bothered. Every time I want to call the doc, it’s after 5. Or it’s the weekend. I wish they could just call in a prescription over the phone so I don’t have to be seen but of course you have to pee in a cup to see if you do have an infection. Maybe that is driving me a little whacky. And the fact that it has been three days already and I still have not called in my refill for my blood pressure pill. More pressure for me to call because I am almost out of my meds. But I forget. I get distracted too easily. I really was going to call today but I was too lazy to look up the phone number of the pharmacy on the bottle. Yes, I was on the computer and could have googled the number. Why didn’t I think of that before?? I am stupid. Stupidly depressed. This is what depression is like. All your worries you think of but you are too strangled to make the phone calls you need to make or go to the stupid UPS store and get forms filled out so you don’t have to worry about your student loans anymore. But no, you just walk by the store, “forgetting” until you are at home again. Gosh I am such an idiot. I really need to buy a printer. I am going to save up for one. I don’t know how, but that is what I am going to do, if I remember to do it…