Still struggling big time

Still struggling big time. I had three things to do today: go to the post office, brush my teeth, and shower. I got two of the three things done. I still haven’t showered. I got a big headache and am waiting for it to settle down. I just want to stay in bed and lie down.

I was hoping for a session with my therapist today but it doesn’t look promising. I have been sending her texts today about how my day has been. I was sad to find out that a psychologist died today. My therapist introduced me to him and I bought his book. I can’t remember what the book was about now. Maybe it was a chapter as I can’t seem to find the book on Amazon. It was more than a few years ago and my memory can’t seem to hold on to stuff like it used to.

I took my morning meds this morning. I was able to take the mood stabilizer and Cymbalta. My aunt canceled our lunch date. It was good that she did as my back has been aching all day. It just rained a little while ago so I know that is the reason. My back always knows when precipitation is coming.

I am glad I was able to take my meds. Maybe I can be on a roll as I have been taking them every day for the past three days. Today was the first day that I wasn’t completely knocked out. But I do feel drowsy. I haven’t had any coffee today so maybe that is what I need when I take my meds. I just feel so sleepy. I know part of it is the depression. I have lost my appetite. Yesterday all I had was a bagel for the entire day. And today I had a bowl of cereal and a banana. I just am not hungry like I used to be. I don’t even have food cravings.

I don’t know why I am so tired. But I don’t sleep. I just lie there. And my brain is toast. I don’t even think of things, except to take a shower. Maybe I should and it will wake me up. But then I think of the hassle of getting undressed and washing up that I just don’t want to do it. Everything is a hassle in self care. Brushing your teeth, showering, washing up, just the whole of it is too much for me right now. It’s much easier to stay the way I am. If I did have to go out, maybe that would force me to shower. But I don’t have to go anywhere, so why bother.

I finally got a sale on my book today. I was thrilled for a whole five minutes. Then I was back to my grumpy self. I still have to work on my paper that I have been procrastinating on. It will give me something to do and I just don’t want to do it. I hate struggling like this. But at least I wrote it out on paper. Half the work is done.

I have been reading more on Joiner’s theory of thwarted belongingness and perceived burdensomeness. I am reading his book on “Myths of Suicide”. I can understand where he is coming from but I still don’t believe whole heartedly with his theory. I still believe there has to be an element of psychological pain for suicide to happen. I will talk about this more in my paper.

Well, I have exhausted myself. Seems I can’t so anything for long without getting extremely tired, including writing this blog.