Ideas are like Stars

Ideas are like stars

I am listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter as I am writing this. The name of the album is “Songs from the movie”. She has a song called “Ideas are like stars” so I thought that would be my title tonight.

I had a visit with my writing partner. It really hurt to go out to see her but it was worth it. I have the rest of the week to be on bed rest. I am icing my ankle as it is pretty swollen. After the visit, my father wanted me to help him with something but I was unable to. It was a wasted trip. But at least I made the effort. That really flare up my pain. On the bus ride home, I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to walk home the block and half. But I did ok once I started walking. I don’t know what I would have done if I couldn’t walk. I probably would start crying from despair.

I really have been thinking about my last blog post about DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder. My therapist and I talked about it most of session yesterday because apparently I shifted tones in the blog and I didn’t even notice it. We talked more about it today as I read through the blog last night and didn’t notice any shifting. I read her the blog and it was when I started talking about suicidal gauge that she noticed the shift. It was very subtle, least to me anyway. She thinks that I may have dissociative disorder not otherwise specified because I am so good at it. Even when I am in severe pain, I don’t feel it most of the time because I just block it out of my mind. Like I am doing right now. My ankle is hurting me really bad but only if I focus on it. As long as I treat it as “background noise” it doesn’t bother me. I know I will have to take some pain medication because it is getting to be a 10 soon. There is only so much dissociating I can do before I break down and need to take something.

We did the SSF (Suicidal Status Form) again today to assess where I am at. I am still partly suicidal. She asked about self-hate and I told her I was ugly. That set off a long discussion about how I am not. Also brought about the body image issues that are contributing to my self-hate. I sent her a picture last night of my writing partner and I and she said that I was “adorable”. I thought I looked retarded in the picture. I am guessing we will talk more about this our next session.

Normal people sleep at this hour. But those in chronic pain are up fighting the demons that are keeping them awake. No one knows of this battle. It is kept in silence because no one wants to hear it. Tomorrow when I wake up grumpy for my coffee I will make sure no one is home so I can drink it in peace. People think that because I am in my room all the time I sleep. I hardly do anymore. The pain demons keep me up. It is a battle I face night after night. I am alone.