still inpatient 2

It’s Sunday and I am still here. I probably will be here for a while as I found out last night that there is no set discharge date for me. This upsets me. I talked with my pdoc and told her that even though she is on vacation, I want to be discharged and that I will email her every day until I see her on the 22nd. I am still having suicidal thoughts and stuff but they are lessening. I think the new medication is helping me. I really want to be in my own bed again.

Since I have a bunch of time on my hands while I am in here, I have written a lot in my journal and written a few letters to my therapist. She is on vacation also. I really miss her and hope that when I get out of here I can borrow my sister’s car and see her. I haven’t seen her since June. She misses me as much as I miss her. I am trying my best to get out of here and still be safe.

I had an ankle flare up the other day and I can’t seem to calm it down. It is bugging the crap out of me. I had the doc change my medication orders so I take two pills instead of one. This has helped me tremendously. I feel like I can now be better now, least where my pain is concerned.

I wrote out a treatment plan for my case manager last night, I am hoping that it shows that I am trying to work on my issues. I know that this unit cannot work on ALL my issues but I just want to work at least on a little bit so that feel a little better. If I can work on the self-hate and “like” myself a little bit, I think that will decrease my suicidality enough that I can be okay. I will find out tomorrow if this plan is going to be acceptable to my treaters. It is the only think that I have going for me. If they tell me they cannot work with me on this a little bit than I have no other choice than to sign a 3 day and leave AMA [against medical advise]. Course, it might back fire on me and lead to a court commitment but I will worry about that later. Hopefully it doesn’t come to that.

Last night was rough for me as I wanted to write out my will and testament and a good bye letter to my friend. Actually, it was more to write out what I want him to do in case of my demise. My contact person talked me out of doing this. She wanted me to work on a self-compassionate letter instead. I have yet to write this. I might work on that today, though it is going to be difficult.

I had a tough day with family. One of my cousins called and wanted me to visit him but when I told him I was in the hospital, it was like I did it on purpose and didn’t want to see him as he told me in advance he was coming up {he lives in Virginia}. I felt very upset by this. I then told him not to tell my aunt about my being in the hospital because I don’t want her to know. He then flipped out about that. It was like a no win situation with him that just left me feeling upset. Then my sister texted me wanting me to tell her what medication I was on. I just felt like I was being bombarded by family. I didn’t answer my sister’s text.

I talked with my contact person. It was the same one I had last night. She is good and I like talking with her. I told her I was feeling depressed and wasn’t sure if I could keep my safety outside the hospital, which is true. I still am having suicidal thoughts and plans. I don’t know if I would act on those plans but I know that they are still there. I really feel like I should do something. I am feeling agitated and perturbed. I told my contact person that my “normal” voices aren’t there. I am missing them very badly and I think that is what is making me feel perturbed. I hope they come back so that I have someone to talk to. I feel lonely without them.

I am thinking of a good friend tonight. I found out she has suffered a stroke and is in the ICU. Her left side is affected and so is her speech. She is a very religious person so I know that god will take good care of her. I just hope she doesn’t suffer. If you bloggers can send her good thoughts, I would most appreciate it.