Coming out as transgender II
The original draft of this document is password protected. As most of you know, I very rarely do so. But this time, it is a work in progress and is for the benefit of something I am working on in therapy. I hope that you will respect my privacy in this matter.
As I was writing this piece of work today, I cried. It brought out such strong emotions recapping all that I have been through with my sexuality and being in the wrong body. I didn’t know it was going to hit me so hard. I thought I had dealt with these feelings but apparently I didn’t. Or maybe it was just tears that needed to be let out again because I had held them in for so long.
I have been battling my menses this week because it is the off week that I must do so. Maybe that has me a little more sensitive than I really should be? Coming out as being transgendered has not been easy. Yet, so far, the people who have read my book doesn’t seem to care that I am so. The people who read my blog doesn’t care. One blogger has stated that he thought I was a male all along. I had no clue that I present myself as such. My therapist sees it. But how I view myself is much different than she could ever see.
I am not a cross dresser transgender. I truly believe that I am a male trapped in a female body. And I hate it. I hate myself for not speaking up sooner about it. Now I feel like it is too late to take the steps forward to be a male. It gets me severely depressed. Even more depressing is when someone uses my real name or the wrong pronoun. That really sets off a suicidal trigger in me I didn’t know I had.
Today has been a day that I wish I could hang my head in shame. But instead, I spent most of the day with my niece, babysitting her. She mostly watched TV while I worked on my blogs. And played my Facebook game. I took her to my cousin who is a hairdresser to have her hair cut. That took so long. But I got to know someone from Australia. It was really cool talking to him. I now forget what part of Australia he is from.
Being transgender is not something that I choose to be anymore than a chair is a chair. I am in the wrong body. Plain and simple. I don’t want to be a buff male, just one that has body and facial hair that goes with my gender. Sure I have often wondered if this was all in my head, that all I needed was reverse psychology and I would like being a female but there has been no indication that is going to happen. I have spent all my life being who I am. I think with my male brain. I have male mannerisms. I grow facial hair (though it is not complete). I also wondered if it was because of the hormone disruption that caused me to be a male and not a female. That if I didn’t have that X chromosome, I would have been ok. I will never know. I just know what I feel inside doesn’t match the outside. And it hurts in ways you cannot possibly know.