Body image issues

Body image issues

I know I have body image issues. I don’t like the way my body is, but I think that mostly is because I am in the wrong body. All my life, I have been told that I am ugly by my parents. Today, I took a shower but didn’t bring my clothes down so had to go through the house naked. Not a big deal, I have done it before, there are no windows to the outside and it was just my mother home. Big mistake. She saw me (there was no way not for her as I had to go by the living room door) and she starting shaming me! I couldn’t believe it. I still feel bad about it and so want to call her an asshole. But I will get my revenge another way. When my check comes in later this month, I am not giving her the full amount that I have in the past. I will give her less. See how she likes that. It’s just that hit me the wrong way. And it wasn’t the first time either today. I was watching the football game after my nap. I made a sandwich and was watching the game peacefully until she comes into the kitchen and then starts playing her dice game! WTF. I asked her to stop playing and she gives me an attitude. Fuck her. I am so done with her idiocy and disrespect. It’s ok for her to go around the house nude but it’s not ok for me? Who has to see her when she needs help getting dressed? Not the guy next door! I don’t say anything to her about her body so why should she say something about mine? I am just so sick of it all. I hate her. I really do.

Then my friend left me a weird comment about suicide. That got me into thinking about suicide again. Her rational for it made perfect sense. The only thing that bugs me is that she wrote it on a blog that has nothing to do with suicide. I don’t even mention it in the blog.

All this time, I am have been sparing my mother’s feelings about things. Now I get to say fuck you to her, though not in the direct way because I would get smacked to kingdom come. I have been nice to her so I don’t understand why she disrespects me. I certainly don’t disrespect her. I’d get my ass kicked, though probably not really as I can run faster than she can. And what am I sparing her of? She doesn’t even want to know me because of the book I wrote. Nice. Most parents would be proud their child achieved something. Nope, not my mother. My father has a free pass because he can’t read so doesn’t know I published a book. If someone has told him, he hasn’t brought it to my attention. Course, he would be more interested in the money than the work. He is an asshole anyways so it doesn’t really matter to me what he thinks. I stopped caring a long time ago. And he was the chief that kept on calling me ugly my entire life. Still does to this day.