Saturday Blog 13

Saturday Blog 13

I am wicked sore today after all the poking and prodding the new doc did yesterday. But I persevered and went to Walgreens to pick up my prescription. I am supposed to take it only at night but I am in so much pain that I decided to try it during the day. So far, I notice no difference. I will take it tonight and I hope that with my other meds, I get to sleep. I am not sleepy at all from one dose and taking my pain meds. The new doc recommended that I wear a brace so I have that on, though I am ready to take it off because it is hurting me. I have had it on the last few hours so I need a break from it. It hasn’t been helpful for me. Going down the stairs hurts me more than going up with it on.

I think part of the reason I have not crashed is because I had coffee today. I still feel awake and like I can do anything, least mentally wise. I think I am going to write my therapist a letter when I finish this blog. I don’t know what I am going to write. But I will figure something out.

Last night I was in a rough space. The prognosis for my ankle doesn’t look good. The idea that I have to go back to physical therapy after all this time just makes me cringe. I just hope I don’t have a “god” like therapist. I want someone that is willing to work with me, not against me. I don’t know what they are going to do but we’ll see. I start therapy on Monday. I just hope I can find the place. I also hope that the therapist doesn’t treat me for a back injury like the last therapist did. I went to therapy for an obvious ankle injury not because my back was hurting yet I was given exercises for my back.

Due to this prospect, my mood took a hit. I really felt down because I know there is not really much that can be do for tendonitis other than what I have been doing. But the fact that more tendons are involved means that I am not moving my ankle correctly and I know that it is going to be painful to correct it. My stupid brother in law seems to think that I will need back surgery to correct it. He is a complete idiot when it comes to medical stuff. It really pissed me off when he said this because the damage is already done. I am trying to compensate for what I lost and that is why all my tendons are screwed up. And the thought of being in a hinged AFO forever is daunting. The fact that I have to walk with a mobile device is in itself depressing to me. And the fact that this happened almost 14 years ago kills me. I still blame myself for not getting the care I should have. I should have found someone that had experience in nerve rehab. But I was too busy trying to keep my job and stay sane so who had time for that? I didn’t know I wasn’t walking incorrectly. I was also busy fighting the pain of losing what I had and trying to gain it back. I thought, after several years, I was finally going to be okay. I was working close to full time and things were going okay until I got struck with CES again. Then all that I gained back, was lost, this time forever. But I was wiser this time around. I knew what kind of rehab I wanted to get better. And I seriously thought that after 9 months of intense physical therapy, I was better. I had no idea that I wasn’t. But I was too proud to admit that I wasn’t because I found a script from my neurologist saying to be evaluated for an AFO in 2008. If I had followed through, things might have not been as bad as they are today. And I am kicking myself big time for that. It’s my fault because I have no one else to blame.

OSU game will be on at eight on channel 5, least I hope it will. It said ABC so am hoping that is nationwide. I really would love to watch a college football game today. Nebraska killed Rutgers today, 42-24. But watching the game depends on how much pain I am in. Right now I am at an 8 and I am not doing anything but type up this blog. I have my foot up and it still hurts. I know that if I go down the stairs I will be in pain (I don’t have a TV in my room for several reasons). So right now, the game is up in the air, but I definitely will be watching out for tweets on the score and stuff on Twitter.