900th post
I thought of reviewing the book “Managing Suicidal Risk” by David Jobes, but I never got around to it. It will make its way to this blog one day just not today. Maybe my 1000th blog.
I had therapy this morning. I was really sleepy so didn’t really want to talk. She called me a new name and now I forgot it. It was really funny at the time. Maybe if I can get back to that sleepy state of mind I can remember it.
She asked me about my suicidality a few times. I basically told her I had no means to kill myself with. And because I don’t, I don’t want to try. Sure I can go down to the basement and see if I can kill myself there but I really don’t think I can pull it off. I have too much going on with me. I asked her if she still needs me to be around. And she almost got choked up. Answer was yes. I felt like I had to ask because we haven’t seen each other in so long. I was wondering if talking with her was still worth it.
I don’t know if I am suicidal enough to warrant being in the hospital. Sure, I rather be dead because I hate living in pain all the time. I cooked dinner tonight and then went to pick up my niece. My ankle had a heart attack by the time I came back home. It was really hurting and upset with me.
It’s 0530 am. I just realized that I didn’t send this out so I might as well keep writing. I finally got my ankle to calm down some. I had broken sleep but any sleep at this point and I will take it. I just took a muscle relaxer because I forgot to take it with my night time meds. I have to call the doc today and let him know how I am doing with it. I don’t think there has been much change in the pain department like he was hoping. I might be on a too low a dose or maybe I need to take it more during the day. I don’t know. I have been taking it at least twice a day since I got started on it. I was desperate for pain relief because I was running low on my pain meds. If the muscle relaxer just helped me to sleep, I would be ok but it doesn’t even slow me down. Very disappointing. I hope he doesn’t change to another med because I just can’t afford it. My last 10 bucks has to go toward getting Powerade so I can take my meds at night. I can’t take it with water because I hate the taste of meds with it. I got to have something else to take the taste away. I just hope the drink is on sale this week.
Because I messed up on getting my refill on my BCP, I now have my menses. With all the drama of last week with my father, I just plain forgot to call my doc and refill the pills. This sucks because I don’t know how long I will have it for. It has been two months since my last period so I am hoping it will end soon. I am going to restart the pill again on Sunday anyway, even if I am still continuing to bleed. It is so frustrating for me because it still proves I am in the wrong body and that makes me sad. I had a dream that I told my mother off. Maybe I am getting closer to telling her my true feelings. I don’t know. Funny how two people can live together yet not really know one another, even if we are related. I hope one day that dream comes true and then I can live my life the way its meant to be lived. I don’t have to be in the closet anymore about my true self. Not like I am hiding now, but I just don’t talk about it. And if I go ahead with the transition, that would be awesome. But I think that will be a dream. My therapist brought up gender dysphoria while we were talking and I guess that is where the source of my dream came from. I just really want to grow a beard and have a mastectomy. That is all I want. If I could donate my breasts for transplants, I would in a heart beat. But alas, that is one tissue that can never be transplanted. Such a shame. Breast cancer doesn’t run in my family so I can’t even go for a medical reason. And they are not too large enough for a reduction. But then, I don’t want a reduction. I want them GONE!!
midnightdemons7 