Hate feeling like an invalid
My mother needed something that required me to meet her half way down the street. I may walked not even two houses down when my ankle exploded in pain. I just had my flimsy slippers on, nothing supportive to say the least, and I paid the price. I fucking hate this. So much for wanting to go out today and work on my book. So much for wanting to move stuff around my room so that my brother in law can get my AC out of the window. I am stuck in bed with my leg up. This fucking sucks so bad. I hate when this happens. It feels like someone is stabbing me repeatedly, trying to take my malleolus bone out. It hurts very bad and now the pain has moved into my toes. I might have to put an NSAID gel on it to help decrease the pain a few notches.
I started writing in my book and then I got stumped on a word. The flow stopped. I couldn’t think of the name of the word I wanted to use for the life of me. I knew it began with an “A” but that was all my brain could produce. I had to search through emails to jog my brain of the word I wanted to use. After that, my thoughts left me. I wrote small paragraph and couldn’t go on. I planned on writing later but now that is not going to happen because I will be drugged up from my pain meds. I am so upset that this pain has ruined my life.
I am really hoping my therapist calls me today. But she hasn’t responded to any of my texts so I am not sure she will. We will be talking tomorrow so I hope I can hold on until then. I still am upset that I won’t be seeing my psychiatrist for a long time. She is out with a broken hip. I thought I might hear back from her today with the emails I sent her but I haven’t.
I feel so fucking useless. You would think that because I spend most of my time at home, I would get more writing done than I do but between the meds and the pain, I just can’t think sometimes. Most of my thoughts become clouded once I start taking my pain meds or my muscle relaxants. Even writing this blog is difficult and I am trying really hard to stay focused.
In case you are reading my blog for the first time, I have an ankle injury that was originally caused by cauda equina syndrome. I was left with foot drop because my nerves were compressed when a disc exploded in my back. Since then, I have sprained my ankle and stretched my tendons causing serious tendonitis going on. I don’t walk normally, but I compensate by using other muscles and such. I don’t walk with a limp because of this compensation. I have restarted physical therapy for the umpteenth time over the last 13 years since getting cauda equina. It has been a long road. The pain has made me disabled as I can’t walk too far and I can’t stand too long. It fucking sucks because my two feet are my made mode of transportation as I don’t own a car anymore. Which reminds me that I forgot to call the junk yard today. I have been meaning to call for months now and I have yet to do it. I keep saying tomorrow but that has been way too many tomorrows since August. I will try and call tomorrow. It’s the best that I can do. I keep telling myself that the incentive is getting at least $200 cash but that still doesn’t motivate me to call. I am such a loser.
midnightdemons7 