Away from the sun
This is one of my favorite songs that perfectly describes what I feel when I am in the black cloud of depression. The song is by 3 doors down.
I have been feeling down all day because I have been in pain since 0400. I some how managed to sleep for about an hour or so but I have been pretty much been up since around 0800. I have been occupying my time by playing my game and reading stuff on the web. I found an interesting article that Lenaars wrote about Shneidman. My previous blog today had to do with Zero suicide, which is next to impossible to accomplish in reality. I equated what I wrote about Shneidman to my thoughts about having no suicides.
Because I have been in pain all day, I have been taking pain meds around the clock. I have been really sleepy, at times, for most of the day. I also got a migraine early this morning and it seems the world was against me as my mother’s phone kept ringing and someone was using a chainsaw outside. It was either a chainsaw or they were flying a small plane. It was so fricken loud. I really thought my head was going to explode. I took my meds and then I got really tired when my head calmed down. I thought I would have to go to the ER as the left side of my face was starting to get numb. Luckily, when the meds started working, my face went back to normal. It has been a really long time since I got a bad migraine like today. I am just glad my vision wasn’t affected.
So between my foot/ankle hurting like a SOB and my head wanting to explode, I have been in a bad mood. Thoughts of suicide has been floating in and out. Mostly, I have been wanting to do something to my ankle to make it stop hurting. Pain has been between a 7&9 on a scale of 1-10. I have been trying to keep off it but I can’t stay in my room all day. I needed to eat, drink, and go to the bathroom. I made coffee to try and keep me awake but lately, coffee has had the opposite affect on me. It’s like taking a sedative. After my migraine attack, I got anxious. Like almost full blown panic attack. My chest hurt and it felt like I couldn’t breathe. So I took an Ativan to calm down. I still am fighting serious sleep. But I will be going to bed early tonight. I counted out my pills tonight so I don’t have to play a guessing game on what pill to take and what not to take. Last night, I just took my hormone pill, my mood stabilizer, and baclofen. I couldn’t bare to take anything else. I was hurting and I couldn’t stand too long to take the 10 or so pills I needed to take. When I was counting my pills, I added vitamin D and Omega 3. I usually take them every other week. I take D because I am deficient, like most of the US. I also believe it helps ward off the cold and other viruses that you can get.
I hope I can make it till 2000. I am so tired and right now I have about an hour to go till I can get to bed. I just hope I don’t wake up in the wee hours of the morning. I fucking hate when I sleep for a few hours and the I am up. I would try and stay up late but I don’t think that is going to happen. I have been taking too many meds to try and stay up longer than 2000.
Because my ankle has been a fuck all day, I didn’t do my PT exercises. There was no way I could do them as just moving it to go up and down the stairs caused me great pain. I hope it will be okay for tomorrow because I really want to get a latte. I also hope that my appt with my therapist goes well. I am kind of nervous because I have told her how suicidal I have been feeling. I let my pdoc know via email, but I haven’t heard back from her. I am going to have to email her soon because I need a refill on my meds, again.
midnightdemons7 
sure. it is crusher.michael at hotmail dot com. sorry to be cryptic. but there are spam bots that like to pick up email addresses
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You have a lot of knowledge here. Can I email you privately?
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Thank you. Sadly it has been days now. I have not been to work since last Thursday. Have not showered. Neglected my kids except for the basics of feeding them. We haven’t been out. The house is a mess. I am out of bed only to give them breakfast and help them get ready for school. And even considered keeping them home. It has been a while since I have been this low. I know I need to push harder. That what I am doing is so wrong. I am just so tired. And alone. Because no one in my life knows how badly I suffer.
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I think we all have a resiliency to deal with our darkness in different ways. Each of us has a “different” darkness that is unique to only the individual suffering from it. It take pure perseverance to get through the day without breaking down. We all have our masks we put on. It’s okay to call out of work every now and then. Lord knows I had my share when I was working. I sometimes had to have my therapist force me to call out because the psychache was so great. Take it a minute at a time, or an hour, or whatever you need to get through. You are not alone. That is the important thing to remember. I suffer, like you and so does everyone else that reads my blog, all 1,134 of us. I would say hang in there but I hate that expression. Unforutnately, I can’t come up with anything else at the moment. just hold on to the moment. It won’t last forever, even though it feels like it.
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Feeling alone is the hardest part at this hour when the fears emerge in the darkness.
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How do you keep strong through the darkness? How do we all? I am always amazed to make it through to another day. I have been in a horrible funk. About to call out of work yet again and wasted away the weekend sleeping and watching tv. My family is suffering because of me.
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I’ve been “collecting” depressing music that reflected my feelings since I was in high school. I have several mix CDs I’ve made. I dig them out when my mood is falling. I shouldn’t listen to depressing music when I’m in a dark place, but I find it comforting.
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That is great. I find that music “finds” me. I always have a knack for finding lyrics that suit my mood. How Far by Martina McBride was the perfect song for my therapist and I when we were going through a difficult period. Also Goodbye Time by Blake shelton when I was seriously depressed and suicidal. I don’t know how these songs find me but they do.
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Its pertinent for anyone dealing with mental illness, not just bipolar disorder. My favorite line is “I’m not crazy I’m just a little unwell”. When I’m starting to lose it, I repeat this lyric over and over. I use music to express my feelings, and am always on the lookout for new tunes that relate to my craziness.
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I love that song as well. I might write that tomorrow! thanks for the idea!
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I love the Three Doors Down video, its perfect for those of us who suffer from depression. The song that I always think of as my mantra is “Unwell” by Matchbox Twenty.
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Sorry today has been shite for you. I’ve had a shite couple of days myself, what with the depression and the joints–shoulder, hands/fingers–have been pinning me down. I have to take my dog to the vet, an hour away. I thought I would collapse or have an effing wreck, but thankfully am safe home, er, safe in barn (I live in a barn). I really hope you feel better and get some restorative sleep tonight!
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