Hopeless

To live without Hope is to Cease to live. Fyodor Dostoevsky

I am having a rough day. I don’t know why I feel like my heart has been shattered but I do. Nothing or no one has said anything negative to me to make feel this way. I came home from my father’s doctor’s appointment, made lunch, made a few calls, and then wham, heartache struck. I don’t know why I feel this way. I feel completely hopeless. I want to take a nap but I fear that if I do, I will fuck up my sleep schedule. I already had a rough time sleeping last night. I woke up several times during the night. I think the anxiety of sleeping through my alarm kept me up.

Other than my father, I really didn’t have interaction with people. Sure maybe the cashier who took my order for my coffee at Starbucks but that was about it. The doctor’s appointment went well, nothing bad happened or was said. My bastard father just need to lie down when he swells up. The cause of the swelling is a little bit more complicated and I don’t wish to discuss it. But it is not the cause of my misery. I just feel really downhearted. It’s like all the air went out of my balloon.

I finished the long, drawn out Civil War book last night, much to my relief. I haven’t started any new book yet. I really want to start “the Idiot” but the print is really small and might give me a headache, even with my glasses on. I am so fed up with my eyesight being poor. And what is weighing on my mind is that I need to see my eye doc for a check up. Think I am going to do it next month, while I still have the insurance. Then I will worry about how to get new glasses later. It is going to be a struggle as glasses don’t come cheap. I also want to get a pair of prescription sunglasses so I don’t have to pay for transition lenses. I love transitions but they cost as much as prescription glasses. And I am in the house mostly so I am very rarely using them except when I go out. Just another expense that is weighing on my mind.

I sold another book today. I should be excited but with this hopelessness that has come over me, I am like “whatever”. I wanted to work on my book today but nothing is inspiring me to write. I just keep thinking about ending my life. I also keep thinking about my friend’s fiancé. He is going through some terrible grief and I think that is what is keeping me from going through with ending my life. I certainly do not want to cause someone that much pain. My friend killed himself in January. I don’t know the circumstances. Not that it matters. He is dead and his lover is in pain. He has to go on living without him and he doesn’t know how.

I read a disturbing one liner while scrolling through Facebook that said “Allah is your one God”. For some reason it made me think of StarGate and how the G’ould think they are gods and rule through alien powers. I don’t know if this is my delusional thinking going on, but could the people of Islam be ruled by alien powers thinking their god is their one true god? In one episode of StarGate, they had Seth, a G’ould, create cults that ended up killing themselves when the G’ould needed a new host. It was interested because this alien was so imbedded into the human religion factor that nobody really questioned that he was truly an alien. But then, I am a sci-fi guy. Things like this interest me and I hold them as truths unless proven otherwise.

Sometime next week after I get paid, I plan on making malt chocolate chip cookies. I just have to get the butter and the malt. You think it would be easy finding it on PeaPod but it’s not. And when I did find it, a 12 oz can was nearly $5! Shit is expensive but I am hoping they have a stop and shop brand that I can use. I just need a fricken ½ cup of the stuff. I might throw in some oatmeal by substituting ½ cup of oatmeal for flour. It called for 2 cups of flour so I will just put in 1 and ½. I really love baking cookies. Only thing I don’t like is the clean up. That is the part that sucks!