Bad night of pain

I’m typing this on my phone so if there are mistakes, that is why.

I am in horrible pain as I was expecting from my long day. I feel horribly depressed and suicidal. If I had something really lethal, I might try it. I don’t. I am very distraught that I have to go through another night of pain and misery. I guess it is good I don’t own any weapons. I always thought of purchasing a machete so I could hack off my ankle. Or fall on it to kill myself. But there are very few places that sell those kind of blades.

I often wonder why I am still living. I can’t stand the thought of going through another flare up because I wanted to have fun today. I love the Maya culture and I have missed out on so many things because of my disability. But this is the price I pay. Being in severe pain as I wait for my pain meds to do their job and knock me out in the process. I know in the morning I won’t feel so suicidal. But I am right now and that is why I am still up. Between the psychache and physical pain, I am under tremendous stress. I feel like I should do something. What, I am not sure.

I am so tired of being in pain all the time. It’s after midnight so my demons are coming out. Its a terrible thing to live like this day in and day out. I am exhausted. Being in chronic pain all the time just makes you exhausted and you don’t have to do anything to cause it. The pain just sucks whatever energy you have. Its awful.

I have been living in chronic pain for the last 3 years. You would think I would be used to it by now but I am not. It still drags me down to the abyss where I want to end my life and be done with this world. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. This needs to end. But how??