Ramblings 75

I got my exercise for the day today. I went up two flights of stairs four times. Surprisingly, I wasn’t out of breath by the fourth go round. I was a little bit but not hugely like I was before. It’s so weird that some days I am out of breath climbing one flight and other days I am fine. So weird.

I have been debating sending out my book to my former therapist. I am very scared that it might come back as return to sender. I know the fear is irrational, we ended on good terms and even had a conversation after we ended that was good. I was again looking for a therapist so called her for a referral. She had switched to child psychiatry so wasn’t available. I guess my fear of rejection is still alive and kicking.

Last night, I was in mega pain and couldn’t go to sleep right away. I just didn’t know what to do to calm things down. The pain kept changing, from burning to pounding, to feeling like someone was pounding me with a hammer on all my toe bones, to intense throbbing. Plus my foot was swollen, which didn’t help the pain. I always notice worsening pain when my foot swells up. So I started working on my book. I didn’t write anything new, I just put things all in one document and then sort of formatted the paragraphs and stuff. I got it to 43 pages. I plan on printing it out so I can edit it. The first 20 or so pages are edited but it doesn’t hurt to go over it again. I am slowly having a book formed. And this time, I can print it out on my printer rather than sending it to Staples. I have to say that the cartridge that they sent with the printer is pretty good. I was expecting less than 20 pages but I have had more use out of it. I did buy a cartridge just in case it didn’t hold out. It’s sitting in my office collecting dust. I know I will be using it soon. I don’t think the current cartridge will be able to print 43 pages.

I mailed out my rebate for my phone today. Now I just have to wait eight weeks to get my $50 card. I found a new feature on my phone: blocking. I haven’t used it yet but it might come in handy when I want to sleep and my phone keeps going off with text messages or emails. It really sucks there is no baseball tonight, well, Sox baseball anyway. Since the closing of my game, I have been really bored trying to fill my time. I can only write or read so much. I know that I have a hamper with stuff that I should probably go through and maybe use it for its intended purpose rather than as storage for other things. I haven’t read Dostoevsky in the past few days. My brain just hasn’t wanted to read the dynamic between Aglaia and Myshkin.

I need to take a shower tonight. I was going to take one before going out but time got away from me and the next thing I knew it was time to leave for the bus. I went to Starbucks today but I didn’t write. I really wanted to sleep. I had my mocha, which I don’t think they made right. You are supposed to have 3 shots of espresso in a venti and I think I just got two. I told them my name and they spelled it wrong. It was a new person so didn’t know my name. How can you get a letter of the alphabet wrong?? I don’t know why they put your name your drink anyways. I know its probably so no one takes your drink if you happen to order the same one as a customer before or after you. It’s just annoying that my name is simple and they get it wrong. Maybe I should just go by Mike and there won’t be a problem. Apparently my initials are too hard.

I did write another suicide ramblings again last night. I was trying to stay on topic but it was really difficult. My attention span only lasts for so long and then I get off tangent. My ankle is killing me and I have just been home for less than an hour. This isn’t good. It’s not even the evening time when my pain is at its worse. It’s still the early evening, like 1545. I guess all those stairs are now having their consequences. I really don’t want to take my meds this early because I will be sleeping and it will mess my already screwed up schedule. I guess I won’t be taking that shower I really need. I won’t be able to stand long enough to take it. Being disabled sucks.