I have had a hard time trying to write today. I only wrote a half page at Starbucks and then my brain conked out. I got antsy which didn’t help matters. I don’t know why my anxiety has been up lately. I think I have too much on my mind. Plus, not having any funds to get things is another stressor. I should be getting some funds soon from the Otterbox that I sold but I don’t know when that will happen. They had some problem with my account so I had to fix it and it won’t be transferred until the 20th. I hate the waiting game.
I had therapy. We talked about my anxieties surrounding just about everything. She wanted to know how my appt with my psychiatrist went and I told her. She asked if I brought up TMS and I said I didn’t. I just plain forgot. I don’t know if I want to go through TMS anyways. I heard their protocol is pretty strict but I have bipolar disorder not major depression so I might not even be a candidate for it. I know I am mostly depressed more than I am manic but still, one hypomania episode gives you the bipolar diagnosis. I don’t have many in my life. Three that I know of, one that was drug induced and the other two were far and in between but it caused significant downs that I really don’t want to go through again.
We also talked about my former therapist and how nervous I am about sending her my book. I am afraid of rejection so we talked about that. It’s an unsubstantiated fear. I know, mentally, that she won’t reject the book, but emotionally is another story. I don’t know if she will contact me once she gets my book. I hope that she does, but she is under no obligation to do so. After my mocha, I mailed out the book, swallowing my anxiety. I even wanted to go back to the post office and have them cancel it after I walked away but I didn’t. God, this is so stupid. I wish I never came across her address and then had the “bright” idea to send her my book. My therapist keeps telling me it will be okay and that she will enjoy the book and know that I am still alive. It’s been almost 20 years since I last had contact with her. I just worry that the book will come back as return to sender. I will be crushed if that happens.
We also talked about this book that I am reading about shame and perfectionism. She thought it was about trauma work and I told her it was anything but, much to her disappointment. The book has got me thinking in terms of DBT stuff and putting things together and such. Who knew that I would remember DBT stuff when I least expected it. The author of the book talks kind of rag time and the exercise she gave wasn’t too clear in terms of understanding in plain language, or in language that is relevant to what she is asking.
My mood has been okay all day, despite being anxious. I think it’s because I woke up at 0530 in pain. That always puts my mood in a damper because I don’t know how the rest of the day is going to shape up. Right now the throbbing has returned, which could turn into pain. I took a pain pill when I came home and might take another in a little bit. Pain always stresses me out because I can’t do anything I want to do. I was able to go to Starbucks but tomorrow I think I am just going to make my Brazil coffee at home and not go out. I don’t know what is making me so nervous. It could be pain or it could just be that I am worrying over nothing. I am also working on my second book, which my therapist was thrilled about. I have 43 pages done so far. I really want to get it to at least 200. But I got to be in a writing mode and lately, that hasn’t happened, which is nerve racking. I just can’t get settled or think I just can’t write unless it is at a certain time. The truth is, I can write at anytime I want. I have no one telling me this, just me, though I think the stupid voices are influencing me. I am constantly being watched the past few days. I think I need to take a trilafon and just chill out. I do feel a delusion coming on, well, more disordered thinking. I saw my cousin tonight and I swear he was talking to me though his lips weren’t moving. His voice got into my head and I couldn’t shake it until I was a block or so away from the house. I was returning milk for my mother. Apparently, my sister bought the wrong one and I had to be the one to return it. I really don’t know why my thoughts get so disorganized at times. I guess it’s just part of the illness that I have. Usually medication helps me but lately it hasn’t. I might have to go up on my meds eventually. I have been on the same dose for so long. Plus, I am now taking a generic rather than the brand name. I was afraid something like this might happen.
I started writing a letter to my therapist about the book that I am reading. It originally was supposed to be just a word doc about the book. But every time I went to the blank page, my mind would blank out. I forgot instantly what I was thinking. It happens every now and then and I think that is another reason I have become so anxious. I fear losing my writing ability above all else. I hadn’t had a cathartic writing in a week and that is what I am basing my book on. But one thing I have learned, is you can’t force writing or it will be shit. So I went to pen and paper and started writing her this letter as it always frees my thinking when I write to my therapist. When I told my therapist this, she got all excited. She is such a nut. She says that if I write to her more, she might actually check her mail more often. She hasn’t received my letter about the abuse yet. She had to have received it by now as I mailed it last week. I am hoping that is going to be a topic for tomorrow.