I started editing my new book today. It is based on this blog post https://midnightdemon.com/2014/02/01/darkness-always-wins-updated-version/ . I got to the 4th page and had to edit a page out of it. I hated to do that but it was just so triggering that I thought it should be left out. It’s one thing to go on and on about being depressed, quite another to talk about cutting. It lead to the Segway of Mr. Hyde, which I guess I will keep. I had to stop there because it was depressing me and I was thinking, who the hell is going to read this shit!??
Had therapy. It didn’t go so well for my therapist’s end. She had an echo so heard herself twice. HAHA. She needs a new phone, whether she likes it or not. I still had no intention of talking to her today. I wasn’t in the mood to talk. She tried to get me to talk, though she did assess that it was my sister’s lack of support that is contributing to my depression. I also said that it’s been a week or more since my last “good” piece of writing. I have to deal with my father tomorrow for his doctor’s appointment and then fill his meds. I also have to go to the pharmacy and pick up one of his meds that I forgot to tell him about. He was out of his house and I didn’t talk to him till around 1600, so the chances of him going were impossible. Tomorrow is going to be a long day for me.
I still am depressed and my taste buds are affected. Nothing tastes the way it should. I had two cups of coffee today that tasted like shit. I barely drank either of them. The second cup, I wasted money on. I should have just ordered a mocha, but I wanted coffee. Tomorrow I will have my mocha, free as I have a reward through my Starbucks card. Buy 12 drinks, get the next one free. I like free. It sucks that I still have this lousy depression kicking around. I emailed my psychiatrist and she wants me to see her on Friday. I really don’t want to, because what is she going to do? It’s not like she has a magic pill for me. Sometimes, I get really frustrated seeing her because there is no easy answer for me. I have treatment resistant depression. I am tempted to go back on Zoloft just to see if it will work again but after a while, it makes me nauseous so defeats the purpose of taking it. Only drug I have not tried is Effexor and that is because of the list of side effects a mile long, one of which is stomach upset. I’m not that desperate to try a drug on my sensitive stomach.
I am very tired of trying drug after drug and having it fail me. Or it works for a little while and then stops working. I would love to try a weight loss drug and see if that helps with my mood and energy levels. It would beat staying in this pit that I am in. But my doc just wants me to lose it the old fashioned way, diet and exercise. That is all well and good, but I can’t diet and I can’t exercise because of my fricken pain, which he knows all too well. I have tried to restrict calories but it’s harder than it sounds. I try to eat three meals a day, sometimes two and I still don’t drop any weight. I don’t gain any either so I am doing something right. But I have gained five pounds over the last three weeks. I think it’s because I have been eating cheeseburgers (homemade) and a few donuts. That was when my taste buds were working good, and I had an appetite. Now I am back to having no appetite and bad taste buds. Even the spaghetti that my mother cooked tonight tasted bland. I know there was garlic and some kind of herb in it but I couldn’t taste it. It just tasted like cardboard.
I have been following Peter Williams on Twitter for the last couple of weeks. He played a system lord in the TV series Stargate. I followed him because he is a good actor. But the thing is, I had no idea people were very fond of the character, the bad guy! It’s not helping my delusions about ISIS and the Goa’ulds taking them over! Granted the character died a painful death on the show. I forget how he died exactly, but he was expecting us humans to save him, a GOD. OOPS, too bad, we don’t have that kind of power! I just saw that fan nuts are making Apophis (name of his character) money in his name! Like “in Apophis we trust”! I am going nuts with the influx of delusional stuff going on in my head right now. Might need to take a trilafon so my head doesn’t explode.
midnightdemons7 