I just come home from a night out with friends. I turn on the baseball game and they lost the 4-1 lead. Starting pitcher allowed a few hits, balk, and then a homerun. Game is now being lead by KC. I am so fucking pissed. The Sox lost the game 7-4. Assholes.
I had a good time out with my friends. We saw my adopted nephew in a dance recital and then went out to dinner. I overate big time. I don’t think I am going to eat tomorrow. I am just a stuffed pig right now. And my stomach is hurting. I always seem to get a stomach ache after eating a very large meal. It just makes me very uncomfortable. I should know better.
I had emailed my “Love/Hate” blog to my psychiatrist. She really liked it. She said it was the best piece she has ever read about this issue. It made me feel good that she likes my writing. I wonder if my therapist is going to read both blogs I sent her. It’s funny, but I wanted her opinion on the 1st blog that I sent her on Darkness, not the “love/hate” one. Maybe the other one was stupid and that is why she didn’t comment on it. I haven’t received any comments on the “Darkness” blog since putting it out there. But then, I generally don’t get comments on my blogs.
I was reading a blog on my fellow blogger friend. She is having a hypomanic episode right now. She tried getting in touch with me earlier but I was too tired to talk. Between the meal and then the little walk on the beach afterwards, I was pretty exhausted. I was out of the house for a good eight hours, the longest I have been out in a long time. I didn’t enjoy the walking on the sand much but I did love the water. I love being by the water and watching the waves roll in. It kind of sucked because a truck was playing awful music full blast. It was interrupting the tranquility of the moment.
I feel sad now that I am back to being alone in my house. It’s past 0300 and my mother is asleep. I just woke up with a stomach ache and a bad dream. And now my foot is throbbing. Never fails. It won’t be hurting me when I wake up right away but soon as I am, bam! I am hurting. I took some meds so I am not hurting anymore and maybe get back to sleep. The dream was about working in an LGBT office. My boss was asking me why I hadn’t tucked my boobs in. And I pretty much said that I didn’t know how. She then said that we will go shopping so I can find something that works for me. Then I woke up. I never had a dream like that before. I have bought some things that would constrict my chest but they were always so small because I am a very large person. The last time I bought something, it was from China I think and even though it was extra large, It still didn’t fit half way across my body. Some people have suggested I wrap an ace bandage around myself. But how do you do that alone? Besides, as much as I hate my chest, I don’t like constriction. I have enough of that psychologically that I don’t want it physically.
I am feeling very sad and I don’t know why. It’s not the depression that I usually feel. I just feel really sad. It’s Father’s day and I won’t be going out with my family to “celebrate” it with him. I really need to rest my ankle as I have been doing too much the last few days. I guess I feel sad because I have a father rather than a dad. I can’t change that and it makes me sad. My father will never be what I want him to be and that is a loss. I have trouble dealing with it because I once had my father on a pedestal where he could do no wrong. I had believed in him and now I can’t believe a word he says. He is more of liar than anyone I know.
It also makes me sad that my pain interferes with my ability to go to functions and have a “life” with my family. Sure, I could ignore the pain but at what cost? I know this won’t bode well for me and I have a busy week ahead between picking up my niece and then having my appointments. I have an appointment with the NP for my pain management and also for my pap. I am not looking forward to either. I have gained weight so I really don’t want to see a doctor’s office. But I think if I limit my eating the next few days, I might be able to slim down. Having a stomach ache helps. Then I have to deal with a female exam. Everyone that I talk to says that it is important that I have it done. But I am a male. I shouldn’t have it done. I am nervous about it because I haven’t had one in 10 years or so. I am scared that I will leak. I will try and use the bathroom before the appointment but that is no guarantee that I still won’t leak. I once went to the bathroom before taking a shower and after the shower, I still leaked. It was awful because I then had to shower again. But this is home, not when I was out. I will warn her, just in case. I don’t think she knows that about me. I know my PCP knows, but who reads someone’s record these days?
midnightdemons7 