I didn’t sleep good last night again. Same old story these days, except I kept waking up in pain. Then my father’s stupid PCP’s office called to confirm the appointment for tomorrow morning. I was afraid they were going to reschedule it and I was not going to be happy if they did. But all is good and tomorrow is going to be a long day as I got to be up around 0630 so I can get dressed and get my coffee before picking my father up. Maybe get some breakfast, too. I talked to my sister and I can use her car for most of the day, which means I can see my therapist tomorrow. I just hope the PCP appointment doesn’t take forever. I would like to get to my therapist’s town and do some editing. Course it all depends on how much sleep I get tonight. Usually when I have to get up early in the morning, I don’t go to bed till 2. Not going to be good if I have to be up four hours later.
I am hoping for a session with my therapist tonight but it doesn’t look likely. I just feel stressed out about a situation with my editor and need to talk it out with someone. I know she isn’t going to understand the problem that I am facing, but I really need to figure this out before I continue with my book. Finding another editor is not easy or cheap. Sure, I can do my own editing, but sometimes it is best for another person’s eye to look at something.
I haven’t done anything today but I need to take a shower. I haven’t showered in days. And I really haven’t eaten much today. My sister made some lunch. I had a few pieces of buffalo chicken that made my stomach a wreck so I don’t think I will be eating anything else today. I really wanted to try the new hamburgers I bought but I just am not looking forward to them. I am not sure if I am going to like them because I didn’t realize they had onions in them. Maybe I will make a deep dish pizza tonight, instead. You can never go wrong with pizza!
I am getting to the end of the “Idiot” finally. I feel bad for Myshkin. He is being treated so poorly. Everyone is just talking to him cursedly and then wants to be his friend again. Or they make fun of him and then make up. Sadly, I don’t think he realizes he is being made fun of. I should finish the book off today, if not sometime tomorrow, if I feel up to it. I know I am going to be tired tomorrow so if I don’t finish it tonight, then maybe Wednesday.
Seems like every fricken week I have medication that needs to be refilled. Just when I think I am stocked on everything, I run out of one of my medications. It is so annoying. I just get annoyed because the pharmacy staff knows me so well. I am there almost every week with something. I am almost out of my baclofen and Ativan. I keep them in business. I have a few days before I can refill my Ativan so I will just wait. I have to wait till the 3rd to refill it. I just hope they have my baclofen in stock. Last time, I got a partial refill. Nitwits gave me just 15 pills of the 90 they were supposed to give me. I don’t know why they even bothered to fill it. It’s so stupid. But I think I better refill it now in case they have to order it as the holiday is this weekend.
I am still thinking about suicide, though the thoughts have been oscillating the past few days. Sometimes they are very intense and others they are barely audible. I still haven’t give in to the thoughts of coming out to my mother. Though I have no idea how I am going to do it without the support of my sisters. It’s really killing me inside to have to continue to live this way, in a family with no support, well, emotional support. I never ask for much and usually keep my problems to myself.
midnightdemons7 