Blog Post 1206

Blog Post 1206

I slept most of the day today. I couldn’t help it. I was just exhausted. Only time that I had woke up was to relieve my bladder. The first time I woke up, which was around 2300 last night, I had a terrible dream that I killed a chicken and there were signs saying that I should attempt suicide. It was a dream that kept on getting worse and worse until I woke up.

I reblogged a post about suicide and the words you should used. “Committed” is a no no. The person that DIED by suicide hasn’t “committed” a crime in his/her death. I wish people would stop saying it, like the author of the story says.

I got a friend that had a pet chicken and the it died today, suddenly. There was no warning about it. Just up and died. My friend is devastated. I hope my dream didn’t influence the death of this little guy. I already feel awful for having the dream. Then a high school friend of mine dreamt she was fishing and caught a chicken. Don’t know what this means. Just totally fucking weird if you ask me.

My therapist is somewhere on the west coast right now. I have texted her safe travels. She will be going to Hawaii for her mother’s and mother in law’s birthday celebration. I hope the weather is nice for them. She said she will be mailing me a postcard, but it will be ok if I don’t get one. I realized yesterday that she was going to be gone the same week as the All Star Game break. So I have no therapy at all this week. Baseball was my therapy and there are no games until Friday. I really don’t know what I am going to do with my days and evenings totally free. I have a bunch of stuff to read but I can only do reading in spurts. Usually it’s a chapter or two at a time. I still am trying to finish “Uncle Tom’s Cabin”. It’s hard because the writer write how cruel we were to the African-Americans. Not only did they break up families, they also beat them, sometimes to their death. It’s a horrible read but something I think every American should read.

My psychologist friend has stopped his barrage of tweets on the Hoffman report on the APA’s involvement in the CIA’s torture of detainees. He is back at the silly pictures of his dog and other stuff. I am grateful. I like what he has to say, most of the time, but then he gets into a rampage and it’s hard to follow.

I am still sleepy so I might try and take another nap before taking my night time meds. Or I might read. I don’t really feel like doing anything. I just am so tired. I hate feeling this way, of not wanting to do anything. But I haven’t had too many down days. They are too far and in between.

I am nervous about Friday. I see my psychiatrist then. I really don’t want to see her but she insisted on the meeting. She doesn’t care how I feel that day. I am to see her anyways. I guess it will be good to see her as I won’t be talking to anyone this week other than my family. And even then it’s just about things around the house and so forth. I am kind of scared that my mother is going to freak out over the electric bill when it comes in because I have been using the AC a lot. But I cannot tolerate heat, at all! It drives me crazy and that is the last thing you need when you are already feeling suicidal. I have given her more money to put towards the electric bill to compensate, I just hope it’s enough.

The dream that I had this morning was the first dream that I have had in a very long time. I hardly remember my dreams but this one I did. I will be writing to my therapist about it. I don’t know why I was dreaming about signs saying I should “attempt suicide”. And the lettering on all the signs were purple. I guess a part of me is still wanting to try and attempt. In the dream, I was deeply frustrated. I kept screaming or grunting. And then these chickens came out of no where. I stepped on one and killed it, not on purpose. It was hard not to because there were suddenly under my feet. It was very strange and haunting.