The Worst Part of Depression is…

The Worst Part of Depression is

“The worst part of depression is” is trending on Twitter. I had to write a few things about it. Today while walking home, it felt like I was walking in mud. I had walked this stretch of the way home dozens of times. But for some reason, today I was so exhausted and this is after having four shot of espresso. My legs were dead by the time I got to my house. I just don’t understand it. I went to Starbucks but didn’t get any writing done because the music was so fucking loud that my earbuds just couldn’t drown out the sound. So I left earlier than I wanted to. I waited for the bus home and then was walking in mud the rest of the way home. I don’t really feel depressed but I am down. Everything feels heavy. My laptop is only 7 pounds but it feels like a ton on my legs. I just don’t understand why some days I get this way and other days I don’t. I mean, I am not usually skipping home. I haven’t skipped in forever. But to walk in mud just out of the blue is just draining me. I feel like I want to take a nap but it’s three in the afternoon. I haven’t had lunch yet. I probably won’t as my mother will be making dinner soon. I am glad that I don’t have to pick up my niece today. I have no energy to do it.

I got an email from Medscape Psychiatry saying that assisted suicide is gaining ground for those with mental illness. I don’t know if I will have the courage to see a doctor to end my life. It just seems like that isn’t what you do. Sure you want the pain the to stop, I get that. I just don’t know if I would go that route. Maybe because I have periods where I am not so suicidal and can see different options. Maybe I would think differently if I was in the deep pit of depression. I know I am not too far away from it. Suicide is always on my mind, either to end my life or to read about the suicide research.

I sold a book today, in England. The problem is that I am not going to get the royalty payment until I find a bank that accepts foreign currency as direct deposit. I still have to call a bank in my area to see if they would be able to do this. Thing is, it’s not much money so I don’t really want another checking account that needs a minimum balance or has fees up the wazoo. I did call one of the big banks in my area but they told me that I would have to talk to the individual branch to find out about their foreign currency policy. It is stressing me out. I like that my book is being purchased by international people, but it sucks that I am not receiving the royalties because of the fucking currency issue. I have been procrastinating because the deposits have been far apart. I don’t get advanced notice of the deposit until it fails. They retry in like sixty days. I just have to bite the bullet one of these days and talk to the individual branch to find out of they can help me. I hate talking to people because I am always afraid of them telling me no, or sorry I can’t help you. I talked to my writing partner about this as she has had books by the same publisher. Of course, she never had any problems. I wish I could just email the bank but you have to have a damn account to send an email. So frustrating. I will call one of these days. I have until September to get this royalty payment. Plenty of time to call.