Hypos Return

Hypos Return

I saw my pdoc today. Things went well and then towards the end of our time, she gave me a concerned look. I asked what was up and she said I was hypo. I laughed. She said I was racy. I really didn’t feel racy until I left her office. She is concerned about my sleeping patterns of 3-4 hours at a time and said that if I am getting just 2 hours a night to let her know. I had one 3 hour night about a week and half ago, while she was on vacation. I am so used to this cycle that it didn’t phase me that I could be hypo. I am not feeling my usual depression. I don’t feel “high” or extra good, just feel really upbeat which isn’t usual for me. I have been catching myself singing out loud while listening to music so I just thought I was in a good mood. It’s weird for me to be this way because I am always in the dumps. But I will take it because it doesn’t happen often. And this is not medication induced. I stopped taking my antidepressant in December of last year. I stopped it because it lost its effectiveness. I don’t know how I am going to be two weeks from now when I see her again. I probably will be depressed.

I am getting stuff done. I edited the paper that I wrote the other night. I am really pleased with this paper. It’s probably the first paper that I wrote that I think doesn’t suck. It does have a few redundancies but other than that, I really like it. I don’t know if it is because my mood is good that I am thinking everything is grand right now, but I don’t care. I just hope when this mood wears off, as it inevitably will, I don’t become psychotic like my usual pattern is. My pdoc asked if I had something other than coffee today. I told her I didn’t have an espresso drinks. I just wanted a coffee as I didn’t have one yesterday. It was Pike’s Place. I didn’t feel like having a clover. Just wanted some coffee and fast. I was feening for it. I can’t go too many days without caffeine or I will get a headache.

I told my pdoc that I made a mistake about seeing my therapist three times next week. She didn’t seem to have anything to say about it except if insurance will pay for it. My insurance has yet to limit the amount of sessions I have with my therapist. As long as they pay, I am happy. But sometimes it sucks because I put so much time in and feel like it’s not really helping me at all. I still am on the fence on whether to continue but I know my therapist won’t go for it. It’s not like I am feeling so well that I want to stop. I just feel like I need a break but she has been on vacation for three weeks so I have been getting a break. I am not writing to her this vacation period. She has a shitload to read since she wanted me to write to her last time. She said she would read while on vacation to get caught up on my activities.

My ankle really hurt by the time I came home. It’s puffy like a blowfish. I am trying to stay off it as much as possible but I am kind of antsy and can’t stand staying in my room with my foot up. I guess I am hypo as I have energy I don’t normally have. My mind is full of thoughts of what to do and such. I really want to start the next Harry Potter book, “Order of the Phoenix”. I finished “Goblet of Fire” last night. I didn’t realize how much Voldemort talked after he became a human again. The thing that gets me is that he is against mixed blood wizards yet he is a mixed blood himself. It’s very strange. I think I will ask JK Rowling why that is as I never understood this concept. I am following her on Twitter. She seems responsive to questions about the book.

I know I sent my blog “Haylor” to my pdoc but she said she never got it so I sent it again. I also told her that I am continuing to send the NY Times my “Love/Hate” blog. I have been sending it for weeks now with no response. I might have to up the ante a little. I wish there was a good opening line that I could use that would bring their attention to it. But I am not good at that kind of stuff. I am hoping that this workshop that I am attending on Wednesday can help with it. I have never been good at “selling” my stuff. I am too critical. But I know this blog is meaningful and too important to just stay on my blog. I would love for it to be published, officially, somewhere. I would write it in my book but it doesn’t fit with the other stories. Being hypo might give me an edge. I can write about the struggle of it and see where it gets me. It is apart of mental illness so it will fit, even though it’s not really dark. I guess a couple of stories about being hypomanic wouldn’t hurt. I could write about the time I thought I was god and thinking I could stop a train with my bare hands. That was the first time I was hypo. I was on Prozac at the time and it was thought it was medication induced so I stayed off meds for a while. When the mood swings would stop, that is when I was started on lithium and my journey with mood stabilizers began. I didn’t think for one moment that I had bipolar disorder. I just thought it was recurrent major depression with psychosis nos for most of my life. It wasn’t until I was hospitalized last year that my pdoc wrote the diagnosis formally on a lab slip that I found out. If I was depressed then, it got worse as I didn’t think I was bipolar. But according to the criteria of Bipolar II, I fit the description. It still makes me depressed when I think about it. I don’t know why it does but it does. I guess it’s because I know that it gets worse before it gets better and with my suicidal history, I am more likely to kill myself before it does. Fun thoughts, eh?