Yesterday I was borderline manic. Today I am feeling the same way because I only got around four hours of sleep. I took my meds which included my mood stabilizer for the morning dose. I am trying to get out of this hypomanic bullshit but it’s difficult. Last night I took sixteen milligrams of trilafon and was still up till 0200. I just could not calm the hell down. I tried taking a Neurontin and my pain meds but it didn’t do anything for me. I am watching my niece so I can’t take anything to make me go back to Morpheus. Nor do I want to. I really want to go out. My groceries came so I have dinner for tonight. I think I am going to make Manwich so I will have it for the week. I will save some burger for my mother so she can have a hamburger or something. She doesn’t like Manwich. No one in my house does. They don’t know what they are missing out on!!
Tomorrow is going to be tricky because my niece’s grandmother is supposed to pick her up but I have a 1030 appointment with my therapist around the time she is supposed to be here. I don’t know what I am going to do. I don’t want to miss out on our time and it’s too late to cancel the appointment. I then have to go to my father’s to do his meds.
I was able to sneak in a nap after we had lunch. My other older niece was home so I took advantage of sleeping. I feel rested and not as racy as I was. Maybe this is the end of the mania streak. I hope so because this is getting tiring. I want to have my old mood back. I mean, it’s nice feeling like you are on top of the world but you also know it’s not going to last. The crash might kill me. My little niece is sleeping now. She read her book and conked out. She must like reading this book because she hasn’t really complained when the time comes to end. She won’t read more than her allotted time but she will read and not ask is time up like her other books.
I need to try and take a shower today. I have been trying to stick with an every other day schedule. So far it is working but showering takes a lot of energy. It wears me out for some reason. By the time I start washing my hair, I am wicked tired but I haven’t washed my body. I rush through and then I hurt. My foot acts up, my back hip. It’s awful. Sometimes when I am wiping my feet, my left foot will start cramping on me. Then I can’t stand on it for a few minutes. I hate taking a shower. With my hip, I have to sit down for a few minutes before I can actually get dressed. Putting clothes on takes more spoons than you can imagine. I brought this up with my PCP yesterday but he didn’t say too much other than to lose weight as I was carrying a 50 lb stone around. Whatever that means. He explained it to me but I was so “high” yesterday things really didn’t sink in.
My therapist was glad I told my PCP that I was transgender. She wished she could have been a fly on the wall. I still can’t believe it. I can’t really say that he was supportive or not supportive because I wasn’t exactly in a right state of mind. I was extremely talkative because of the mania. Even last night I was talking to the voices about things that could have waited until morning. But there was such a pressure to get the words out that I was having full fledged conversations with them. My internet kicked out. I am glad I write this in word doc before I send it to WordPress.
I got my stupid menses today. It should be really bumming me out but because of the hypomania, it’s not. I have been eating a lot today. I had cereal and ordered a pizza for my niece. She had one slice, I had three. I know she is going to be hungry when she wakes from her nap. I don’t know if she will want pizza or some other thing. I am not hungry so whatever I make, it will be for her. I don’t think I will make Manwich tonight.
midnightdemons7 