sleep deprived

Sleep deprived

I didn’t get to sleep till 0600 this morning. I was babysitting last night and my sister came home after midnight. I was wound up so decided to read some Harry Potter. Big mistake. Next thing I knew it was 0300 and I caught my second wind. After I fell asleep, I only slept about two hours. I took some meds and tried to go back to sleep. Now I am cold and feeling lousy.

I watched half the football game today. Pats won 30-23. I wasn’t worried, even though the first half was a friggen nail biter.

While I was up, I wrote an email to my pdoc telling her how depressed I am. I just can’t seem to get on top of this depression year after year, month after month, day after day. I just don’t know what my life is worth living for. My therapist is no help in that department. All she keeps saying is that I “matter”. Matter to whom? It’s so frustrating. I got into an argument with the voices last night. Must have been around 0400 or so. They wanted me to take some Ativan but I had already taken some. I didn’t take all my meds last night, just the “important” ones, like my hormone pill. I feel really drained. And I know it’s because of the sleep deprivation. I don’t even know what day it is, though I think it’s Sunday, still. It’s just been a long ass day. I hope I sleep tonight because I have an appointment tomorrow that I have to keep. I also need to get my haircut at some point, either tomorrow or this week. If I wake up early enough, I can call Dell and have them figure out what payment is needed to fix my laptop. I am going to back up everything the day before I send it out. Everything else is backup, like my pics and stuff. Only thing that will need backing up is my word doc files.

I have been listening to “Just over” since I downloaded Luke Bryan’s Kill the Lights CD. It’s just an awesome beat and it keeps running through my head. Last night, I didn’t want to play my playlist because I feared music would “excite” me further while I was trying to sleep so I just kept playing this song on YouTube. That way when the music stopped, I could hopefully go to sleep. It didn’t work that way as I had to play it several times and each time it got me thinking about my therapist and how I think it really is over between us. I also wrote my therapist a letter some time during the night. I really wanted to write another blog but my babysitting duties interfered with that. I was kind of worried about my sister as she texted me around 10 and didn’t come home till after midnight. She said she was on her way home. She didn’t say she stopped to get food. That kind of annoyed me.

I had my phone set to “do not disturb” before I went to sleep at 6. I love this feature. You can have calls go through only if they are “favorites” or choose not to. I chose not to because I knew my mother would be calling while I slept and I was right. There were two missed calls when I got up after resting from the football game. Also, while babysitting, I watched, in entirety, the OSU game. Complete blowout. They kicked Rutgers ass and by the 3rd quarter, the Rutgers fans had left. It was awesome! OSU won 49-7. Rutgers finally scored the last two minutes in the 4th quarter. It was the only chance they had to avoid a shut out.

I think tomorrow is going to be a donut day. If I can get to a Dunkin, I will get my jelly donut I have been craving for the last few weeks. There is a Dunks down the street from me but it’s past my walking distance and they closed the one in the Square because the building was unstable. In another Square they opened up a donut shop that I think is vegan. I have had vegan donuts and before and they are pretty awesome. I’ll just have to finagle how to get my donuts.