Author: Midnight Demon

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression and chronic pain that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

What historical event fascinates you the most? #WPDP

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

What historical event fascinates you the most?

The Challenger explosion

Struggling with writing

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I had therapy today. We talked more about my suicidality. I feel really sad. I’ve been trying to write all day but my thoughts have been inconsistent. I kept zoning out today. I was able to nap for a couple of hours. I still feel tired. Had bad night with headaches and dreams again.

My CT results came back. Everything is normal. Wish I had something to explain the headaches though. I see the neuro tomorrow morning. I have a stupid headache now. I feel awful. Been trying to drink water. I’m not really thirsty tho. I haven’t eaten today. Just some fig newton’s. It has been the only thing I want. I don’t feel like cooking something.

I got to get my meds tomorrow. I tried calling the pharmacy today because two of my meds are still in process. I’ll try tomorrow after my neuro appt. I am tired and plan on going to bed soon.

Therapy and stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicidality, suicide

I had therapy and even though I have been with her for four years, today I feel like I can finally trust her and try and be more open with her. It has taken a lot. I’ve had two suicide attempts with her, one nearly fatal. We talked today how I have no filter between my suicidal thoughts and planning. I’ve known this for at least six or so years. I told her I still have thought of just saying fuck it and ending it. I’m not really acutely/actively suicidal but the risk remains. Yesterday was a case in point where I got really frustrated and wanted to harm myself. It is going to take some real hard work on my part to get through this. Suicidal ideation has been a part of my life for nearly forty years. It isn’t going to happen overnight. In some respects, you can say I am addicted to suicide. People have given themselves up to the higher power to be relieved of their addiction. I’m not there yet. I still believe in the serenity prayer though.

I have some time before my next appt. I’m sitting in the Cafe with a mask on because I don’t want to get sick. I haven’t been feeling really well the past couple of days so I don’t want to spread what I have either. My throat has been scratchy and I’ve been sneezing a lot.

I have my book with me but I’m having a hard time concentrating. Thoughts about therapy have been floating. We talked about the DMH decision and I am going to appeal it. I am going to send her a copy of the letter I got. She thinks i do have a diagnosis for services. I haven’t heard back from my psychiatrist.