Author: Midnight Demon

Thoughts on thinking

Do you find that personality disorder is complex trauma and diagnosed more because they can’t fix PTSD? And label bpd due to the complexity of the trauma? So rather than dealing with the trauma the person has, just label them as BPD and go from there.

These are some thoughts I have about bpd and trauma. I am a highly sensitive person and because of this I have been thrown into the BPD realm of diagnosis. I also have complex trauma that no one has looked at. They just look at my suicidality and depression and deal with that most of the time.

My thoughts today also centered around palliative care and end of life care. I am done being in pain and want to die because of it. I don’t know if I will find a doctor to deal with the pain because I am not terminal. I have pills that I hope will be enough to do the job. I have others too that can be mixed with it but I don’t want to be a polypharmacy as you can end up vomiting and then surviving.

I have sort of talked about this with my therapist but seeing as I want top surgery first that has been my top goal right now. Maybe I will feel better afterwards so much so that suicide doesn’t have to follow through.

I have been in severe pain since last night. It started with my big toe and then went into my foot. Now it is in the other side of my foot and bones are aching. I have had enough. I don’t care if they think that the depression is causing me to feel like ending my life but pain is causing some part of it too. I don’t think the pain up my leg is CRPS because pain is the only symptom I am having. No other symptoms are present and I need at least 7 other symptoms. So finding out what is causing the pain will be important. But I got to find a doctor that will look into it.

So the magic of Twitter got me in touch with a social worker in Colorado about death with dignity and palliative care. I said it all depends on how the pain doc appointment goes. If she doesn’t want to treat me then I will ask my neuro for palliative care. This will all happen after top surgery. The SW is willing to support me in anyway she can and to help go through the motions of what needs to be done. I told her I don’t want the CRPS to spread up my leg and there isn’t a treatment for it. I am hoping she will increase my pain meds so I can get some relief when it flares up. I am so glad she accepted that I had chronic pain and it was a huge cost to my dignity. I know my therapist has said I haven’t gone through all the things I could with physical and emotional pain but I think in a year or so, I will be closer to my death. I just hope I don’t wait too long and have it spread to my knee.

I haven’t showered or brushed my teeth yet today. I don’t think I will be showering. My leg is too painful. I will brush my teeth before bed. I had put the tasks in my phone but I just shut them off without doing them. I knew it would be a hassle to do.

I didn’t sleep again last night. I woke up with shoulder pain and I just couldn’t go back to sleep. Then I took some tizanidine which I forgot interacts with my blood pressure pill so I was feeling pretty sick. My blood pressure dropped really low. I drank some fluids to bring it up. It was a rough night. My foot was really hurting and I finally took something around midnight. I had taken the tizanidine so that my foot wouldn’t cramp up. It has been doing that for a while now, even though I take magnesium for it. Sometimes I need both. I just need a lower dose (4mg) of it not a high dose. UGH.

Feeling so depressed and tired

I had therapy that I almost missed because I overslept. Luckily I got up 45 mins before it started and was able to make coffee. I didn’t talk much. I did talk about my father. Today six years ago he died. I thought a lot about that day. Feels like it was yesterday. I told her the last few days have been rough. I haven’t been sleeping. I haven’t showered. I haven’t brushed my teeth. I am just so depressed. I asked her if she wanted to add a skill and she said no because she doesn’t want to overwhelm me and I haven’t been doing what I have been given. I was relieved to hear it because it has been hard juggling things.

I wanted to brush my teeth after session but I just couldn’t do it so I had another cup of coffee. It helped keep me from lying down again. I have been thinking about death on and off since therapy ended. I feel like a useless piece of shit because I can’t do basic care for myself. I am going to end up with no teeth because I don’t brush every day and this bothers me.

It’s cool out and there is a cool draft coming through the window. I just want to hunker down in my bed under the covers. I want to order pizza but I just can’t seem to get the nerve to call. So I am having my mother make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Maybe I will get the nerve to call tomorrow.

My leg is hurting. I haven’t done anything yet. I plan on taking a shower after I eat. I hope it takes the allergies out of my eyes. They have been tearing something awful. Doesn’t help that there has been construction in my mother’s bedroom so dust has been around the house. I don’t know when the workers will be finished. I think my mother has to pick out the paint she wants to paint it.

After I shower I plan on reading the next three hours to finish the book I am reading. I have three chapters so I hope it will take that long to read. Then I will take a break from the suicide books and read a book on Juneteenth. This is the plan anyway. Just hope the shower doesn’t tire me out too much.

Another night of no sleep 23042022

I had a few snoozes but nothing more than an hour. I just had a bowl of cereal as I didn’t know what else to eat. I emptied my bladder after I had the cereal so I wouldn’t be full later.

I wish I could say that I was awake but I am not even that. My shoulder and foot hurt. I don’t remember the times I took meds for it. I have been trying to lay off the BT meds and just take ibuprofen and tizanidine to help loosen the muscles up. I do plan on putting diclofenac gel on my foot later today. My whole foot is sore so will put some all over it. I just hope it doesn’t cause any cramps.

My bladder is irritated. I don’t know why. There isn’t anything I can take for it either. Just hope it goes away soon. I’m falling asleep so will write more later. I hope I sleep for more than 2 hours at a time.