Category: suicide attempt

still inpatient 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide attempt

It’s Sunday and I am still here. I probably will be here for a while as I found out last night that there is no set discharge date for me. This upsets me. I talked with my pdoc and told her that even though she is on vacation, I want to be discharged and that I will email her every day until I see her on the 22nd. I am still having suicidal thoughts and stuff but they are lessening. I think the new medication is helping me. I really want to be in my own bed again.

Since I have a bunch of time on my hands while I am in here, I have written a lot in my journal and written a few letters to my therapist. She is on vacation also. I really miss her and hope that when I get out of here I can borrow my sister’s car and see her. I haven’t seen her since June. She misses me as much as I miss her. I am trying my best to get out of here and still be safe.

I had an ankle flare up the other day and I can’t seem to calm it down. It is bugging the crap out of me. I had the doc change my medication orders so I take two pills instead of one. This has helped me tremendously. I feel like I can now be better now, least where my pain is concerned.

I wrote out a treatment plan for my case manager last night, I am hoping that it shows that I am trying to work on my issues. I know that this unit cannot work on ALL my issues but I just want to work at least on a little bit so that feel a little better. If I can work on the self-hate and “like” myself a little bit, I think that will decrease my suicidality enough that I can be okay. I will find out tomorrow if this plan is going to be acceptable to my treaters. It is the only think that I have going for me. If they tell me they cannot work with me on this a little bit than I have no other choice than to sign a 3 day and leave AMA [against medical advise]. Course, it might back fire on me and lead to a court commitment but I will worry about that later. Hopefully it doesn’t come to that.

Last night was rough for me as I wanted to write out my will and testament and a good bye letter to my friend. Actually, it was more to write out what I want him to do in case of my demise. My contact person talked me out of doing this. She wanted me to work on a self-compassionate letter instead. I have yet to write this. I might work on that today, though it is going to be difficult.

I had a tough day with family. One of my cousins called and wanted me to visit him but when I told him I was in the hospital, it was like I did it on purpose and didn’t want to see him as he told me in advance he was coming up {he lives in Virginia}. I felt very upset by this. I then told him not to tell my aunt about my being in the hospital because I don’t want her to know. He then flipped out about that. It was like a no win situation with him that just left me feeling upset. Then my sister texted me wanting me to tell her what medication I was on. I just felt like I was being bombarded by family. I didn’t answer my sister’s text.

I talked with my contact person. It was the same one I had last night. She is good and I like talking with her. I told her I was feeling depressed and wasn’t sure if I could keep my safety outside the hospital, which is true. I still am having suicidal thoughts and plans. I don’t know if I would act on those plans but I know that they are still there. I really feel like I should do something. I am feeling agitated and perturbed. I told my contact person that my “normal” voices aren’t there. I am missing them very badly and I think that is what is making me feel perturbed. I hope they come back so that I have someone to talk to. I feel lonely without them.

I am thinking of a good friend tonight. I found out she has suffered a stroke and is in the ICU. Her left side is affected and so is her speech. She is a very religious person so I know that god will take good care of her. I just hope she doesn’t suffer. If you bloggers can send her good thoughts, I would most appreciate it.

Finally SOME progress

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

I met with the rounding doc today. He changed my pain meds so I get two pills instead of one. I can now breathe a sigh of relief.

I had a good check on with my contact person. We talked about my book and how suicide is so ingrained in my life. It fascinates me. She also gave me a new innovated therapy that might help me. I agreed to look it up.

As far as she can tell, there is no set discharge date for me. The means I am going to be here a while. I wrote down some goals for the case manager for Monday. I was going to write my will and good bye letters but my contact person said to hold off on that for now. So now I have nothing to do. I just finished writing a letter to my therapist about the day’s events. I took a shower even though it killed me to do so. My foot HATES me right now. But I took my night meds so the only reason I would have to get out of bed is to shut the lights or go to the bathroom. I am glad the day is done. It has been a restless day because I wasn’t sure if the rounder would change the orders. It was nerve racking and the doc kept on saying that I had bipolar I disorder, like I didn’t know my diagnosis. I don’t think I have true bipolar but if you ate going to be technical, I guess I do have it. I just wish the highs came around more often than every few years.

I really don’t like the term bipolar. I like manic depressive illness better but that is now an archaic term. I’d like to think that I have major depressive illness but because I have had more than one hypomanic episodes, I am bipolar. I feel that is not good as being bipolar has a slightly higher suicide rate than major depression.

I talked to my mother today and we did nothing but argue. She ended the conversation with don’t call me until I am coming home. It was so infuriating. So I am done calling her. I don’t care anymore, I have enough on my plate.

I keep thinking about suicide and how I would do it when I get out of here. I emailed my pdoc to see if she would be ok with me being discharged while she was still on vacation. I haven’t heard back from her yet. I don’t think I will actually kill myself but I just want to get out of here. I just want to be free and in my own bed again. I doubt this place will help me anyways.

Wicked pissah

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

I just wrote to a friend about a comment she tried to post on here the other day. It really pissed me off. But while everyone is entitled to their opinion, she angered me by calling me a victim and playing the part of a victim. That was uncalled for. I just wrote her an email about it.

I have to talk with the doctors about getting more pain medication as taking 3 pills every 6 hrs is just not cutting it. I am in severe pain because I stood too long while waiting for the water to get hot while taking a shower the other night. I really just need two pain pills to quiet this pain down andaybe another second dose to make sure it stays down. I don’t know I’d this will happen or not. I hate asking for things but I am hurting really bad.

I woke up at 5 in severe pain and took some pain meds with 600 mg of ibuprofen to see if that helps. I am desperate. I might just say that I am safe at home just so I can take my meds the way I do at home even though I am not.

My therapist left a message for my case manager. She said that I should be heard and that I am very honest about what I tell them. If I can get this pain under control, that will be sweet. Right now it is causing me havoc and messing with my PTSD symptoms, which makes me very anxious. I should have taken an ativan when I took my pain meds but I forgot. Now I might just be up the rest of the day.

I HATE waking up before six. It sucks. I don’t know who the weekend rounder is going to be. I hope it is not the usual lady. She always seems rushed and doesn’t really take them time to talk at times.

I should have cut my nails before coming to the hospital. They are very long and I don’t like it. Nail cutters are not allowed on the unit so I have to wait to get out to cut them. This sucks.

I don’t think I am going to have any visitors this weekend. A friend of mine wants to visit but he has plans this weekend. He is going to try and make it during next week when he has a day off. It will be good seeing him as it has been a while.

I don’t know why I am in a pissy mood. Probably because I am in so much pain. I hate being in so much pain and not be able to so anything about it.

I miss playing on my laptop.  I never bring it outside of the house, usually, because I am scare I might drop it or it might get stolen. I think the next time I am hospitalized, I will bring it. Writing a blog will be so much easier. I am also working on a short story. I just have to rewrite it a little bit and add a page to it. My concentration has been shot at times, so this is going to be a challenge.

As I am pretty much laid up because of pain, I plan on just writing today and tomorrow. There is only one group on Saturdays and I think 2 tomorrow. One is a legit group, the other is an art one. I hate the art. It is so stupid. I’d rather write.

another day in the psych unit

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

Went to a couple groups today. It went well. The second group I went to had to do with writing so it came natural for me. I didn’t think I could write under pressure as I came into the group late but I was able to write something.

Mood is still bleak. I really hate myself today. I feel super conscious of the fact I am severely overweight and it is bugging me. I guess it because the other patients on the unit are thinner than I am, I feel self-conscious.

I met with the director of the unit today as my attending was off today. It went ok. She wanted me to write down stuff to talk to my regular case manager about on Monday. I will do that tomorrow. I am in too much pain right now to think straight. What I would give for two pain pills right now. It will really take the edge off and help with the PTSD symptoms I am having. But I need to jump through I don’t know how many hoops to get two pills so I rather just rest on my bed the rest of the night. Long as my foot is off the ground, I am ok. It still hurts just not as much.

I just tried to write my therapist letter. I got half a page done before my mind started wondering. I really am going to miss her the next two weeks. My pdoc is back the following week and I hope I can be discharged that week. She wrote me an encouraging email and that made me feel better. I don’t know what I would do without her support. Course she is the reason why I am here.

I had an okay contact person today. She is kind of aloof but can be serious when she needs to be. I hope I have a good contact person tonight. Otherwise, the night is just going to suck.

The suicidal feelings have eased a bit since my pain peaked. It’s like they like to trade off or something. But I am feeling safer on the unit. I still want to die but it is waning.