Tag: chronic physical pain

Tired of Pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I got good news today, well yesterday. My psychiatrist is back in the office! I haven’t seen her in like four months because she broke her hip. I finally asked her point blank when will I see her again and she sent me an appointment time. I am so excited, but nervous, about seeing her again. I feel a little bit better knowing that she is back in the office, that I am not so alone anymore. And seeing her is perfect because I need a refill on one of my meds.

I have been tired most of the day. I had a bad pain flare up last night and I didn’t get to bed till after 0200. I slept until around 8 when I had to go to the bathroom. I went back to sleep and then some jerk with a private number called around 1030. They left a blank message. It pissed me off and I then I just got up. I had a couple of phone calls to make anyways, on behalf of my father.

I am watching my niece tonight until her father comes home. She and I just finished eating pizza and fries. She is watching movies on her Kindle.

Speaking of Kindle, last night I decided to purchase and download two (2) songs. It turned into a nightmare. The AmazonMP3 app decided it was going to download ALL (1460 of them!) the songs I have ever purchased from them. I couldn’t get it to stop so I uninstalled the app. I was bullshit. I really just wanted to hear those songs I bought. Then the damn thing was downloading songs from a CD I purchased and was waiting to arrived. That was cool but the download was like half a song. It was terrible night. I was getting so annoyed and it was getting late. I was in horrible pain and irritable that I just couldn’t deal with it. I sent a couple of tweets to AmazonMP3 to let them know their app sucks.

I then decided, as I was in an irritable mood, to type up the short story I have been working on all week. I must have typed up half a page when I realized what I wrote sounded a little psychotic and incoherent. Of course, when I first wrote it, it made sense at the time. So I just omitted the incoherent part. By that time, the Ativan was kicking in and it was close to three in the morning so I went to bed.

I don’t know why my ankle flared up yesterday. It is better now and I hope it stays that way. I took a shower today and it kind of didn’t like me standing on it so I took a pain pill because I thought I would have to walk to pick up my niece. But my sister texted me saying she was getting out of work early and she would pick her up from school, then drop her off at the house. Sounded good to me as I wasn’t sure what the streets around the school were like, if they were shoveled or not.

It’s the sleepy hour. I am trying to resist taking a nap but I am fricken cold and just want to go under the covers. I know that if I do, I will wake up around 2300 and be up for several hours. I have made a deal with myself that if I read up to 750 pages in my Civil War book, I will start Dostoevsky’s “Idiot”. That book is also a mouthful and wordy but I like Dostoevsky’s books. I read this book in college for a Russian reading class. Russia has always fascinated me. I really would love to go to St. Petersburg one day, but I think that will be just a dream.

Going down in Flames

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression

Going down in Flames

Feeling depressed today, more than usual. Seems like as each day passes, I get more and more into the abyss. I have been out of the house three days this week. I am happy about that. Just wish my mood could reflect it. I went to my father’s today for my weekly visit. I am thinking of getting him a monthly pill box so I don’t have to go over every week. We’ll see. Today he asked me how long he has to take his meds. I told him forever. You would have thought I just gave him a death sentence. Idiot.

I got good news today. My psychiatrist is back in the office! I haven’t seen her since September. I am trying to set up an appointment with her but she, of course, hasn’t responded to my email yet. I hope she responds soon. I can’t wait to see her. It’s been too long.

I have had a sleepy day today. Went to bed with pain and woke up in pain. Pain meds caused me to go back to sleep. Even now, I am having a hard time bearing weight on my left foot. It started on the way home from my father’s. There has been some temperature degree changes in the last 24 hours so I am hoping that is the reason. I really can’t bear to be in physical pain while I am suffering from psychache. It is just too intolerable.

I haven’t finished typing up my short story. I really wanted to work on that today but haven’t found the time to do it. I might type up one page when I finish this blog. Depends on how I feel and what motivation I have left. Just writing this is difficult. I am being distracted by Twitter and my damn phone keeps going off with text messages. Most of these text messages are from the T, saying that buses are being delayed due to traffic. I get them every day around this time.

writing and dying

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, psychache

I typed up a few pages of the short story I am working on. It’s basically an autobiographical story of my struggle with psychosis. I still have two pages to type but can’t find the motivation to do it. I keep staring at the notepad but nothing is coming. I am just staring at the words, wondering if they are the right ones and am doubting myself.

My therapist had some suggestions on trying to get me back to better sleep health. Unfortunately, I didn’t do it today. I wasn’t tired come three o’clock but got really zonked around five. I still am fighting the urge to just go under the covers and take a rest. Only problem with that is that I will be seriously disrupting my sleep cycle, again.

I told her I am having trouble taking my meds. I don’t want to take them because I don’t think they are effective anymore. I am just so depressed, I just can’t see the point. I also told her I really want to be writing my suicide notes and letters. She almost started flipping out. I never heard her so restrained before. We were actually “talking” about this stuff rather than dusting it under the rug, like it didn’t exist. I really liked talking about this stuff. It gave me some perspective about the pros and cons of actually doing it. We didn’t discuss that, but I was thinking about it as I talked about the need to write. I told her I had written a goodbye letter to Jobes. It was basically saying yes your work helped me but it didn’t save me. I never sent the email/letter. I told her that I can’t be saved. It is my destiny to kill myself, I am very convinced of this. I don’t know why, maybe it’s because I think about it so much that I don’t think I have any kind of future or anything. The weird part, is that I don’t feel hopeless. She did the cubic model of suicide on me. I was kind of shocked that she remembered. I am no where near suicidal range at this time. I am not actively planning my death, nor have I picked a date. I just want to self-combust so I won’t have to. But I don’t think that is likely.

I just feel really depressed. My therapist also read my blog that I wrote last night. She said that it was very coherent and eloquent. It is funny because it took me several times to get back to writing it. I would start writing and then find the need to check Twitter or Facebook. It took me almost an hour to write. And I was mostly writing how fucking sucky I was feeling, which was hard because I really couldn’t put to words what I was feeling. It was a very difficult blog to write.

Foot/ankle are behaving for now. Last night I was in misery. It literally felt like a battle between the two as to which part was going to hurt more and then my big toe settled it by buzzing up a storm. I hate when my toe buzzes. It is so unsettling. I don’t remember if I took pain meds or not. I really wanted to OD on Neurontin. It was that bad. But I didn’t take any because after an hour, my toe settled down. Foot and ankle were still at it but not in the same intensity. I have been using my pain meds sparingly. I don’t know why this is. I guess I want to feel something and my ankle/foot is giving me something to feel other than depression. Maybe it is a form of self-punishment, I don’t know. I do know that the pain is tolerable to my warped mind. It gives me something to focus on rather than my stupid, stinking depression. I spoke too soon. Just moved my ankle and it has exploded. Just like that it can become a 10, easy. Now I am really going to get sleepy with my pain meds on board. I don’t think I am going to make it to eight. I guess I will be taking my night meds early and calling it a night.

My father called saying that his meds are almost out. I told him I will come over sometime tomorrow. I don’t mind because it gets me out of the house. I rather do it tomorrow than Saturday. I like to have the weekend to do nothing. I am trying to go out during the week, like I did today, so that I can rest on the weekend. I don’t know how likely that is going to happen, but we’ll see.

Saturday Blog 17

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression

I didn’t do anything today, which was the plan. I just wanted a day of doing nothing but relaxing. I should have shut my phone off but I didn’t. My father called asking when I will be over his house. I told him I wasn’t feeling good and that I wasn’t. He got into a tizzy. Oh well. I don’t care. I dealt with him nearly every day this week. I need to get away from him.

I did read some and slept some. I really didn’t even play my game that much. I just planted some crops and that was it. I didn’t request items and such like I usually do. I just am not into playing the game today. I feel burned out by it.

I just had my manwich and fries that my mother made. It was the only thing that I really had all day, other than the cereal I had for breakfast. I really haven’t been all that hungry the last few days. Another sign that I am depressed. I am not that worried because it’s not like I am underweight. I woke up with heartburn so I think that is why I really didn’t want to eat today. My mother went shopping and bought my favorite kind of donuts. I am trying to be good but I don’t think those donuts are going to last too long.

I wanted to make coffee today but didn’t. I just decided to sleep. Even now I am kind of tired but I think that is because of the pain meds that I had to take. My ankle flared up sometime after getting my mother’s groceries and making I don’t know how many trips up and down the stairs. She didn’t have that much stuff. She bought vegetables and meats. I don’t really like buying that stuff online because you never know what you are going to get. The last time I bought some raspberries, they weren’t too good. I decided not to buy them after that experience.

I finally took a shower this morning when I got up. I felt a little better afterwards. My ankle didn’t like it much but oh well. It’s not like I had anything to do today anyways so I can take my pain meds liberally. I feel so tired lately, like I am being weighed down. I know that is another sign of the depression. I was writing in my journal last night that I think I am in denial that I am depressed. I don’t know why I am in denial. Maybe I feel like if I don’t acknowledge it, it will go away.

I have to go to the pharmacy tomorrow to pick up my prescription for my migraine pills. That is the only place I am going to go. I am not going to my father’s. My sister is going so she can take care of his needs. I really don’t want to tax my ankle anymore. Being in pain is not fun. And I hate having to take my pain medication all the time. Yesterday I took four pills. Today I have already taken three. I think I am going to have to take some more by the end of the night. I hate having to take them because I hate being constipated. If I don’t take senna every day, I am screwed.