Tag: chronic physical pain

A Productive Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality

A Productive Day

For the first time all year, I was able to shower, get dressed, and go out. I went to Starbucks, had my coffee, and edited one of my blogs that I hope to put in my short story book. I then picked up my niece and to my surprise, I wasn’t fatigued, horribly, when I got home. My ankle was aching but it was not killing me. I feel pretty good about this. It remains to be seen whether I will have pain later tonight.

I had a bit of a scare today. When I came to my room to work on my blog, I found that WordPress was down. I still cannot load it on IE (internet Explorer) but it loads on my phone so that is good. And I can get the operational aspect of the blog working in Chrome, so I am hoping this post posts without difficulty.

I got new music today from Luke Bryan. I really shouldn’t have, but I love Luke and his music. I also am planning on trying to finish this Civil War book sometime in the next week or so. I am up to page 700 and have about 100 or so pages to finish it. I am not going to read the afterword or Epilogue. I am just going to read the chapters of the book and that is all. Then I am going to start Dostoevsky’s “Idiot”. I am going to take a break from history for a while after this Civil War book. It has been so tedious. I was thinking about writing a review for it but someone already wrote what I was thinking! Great minds think alike.

I am glad I got to edit one of my blogs that I am putting in my new book. Now I just have to enter the edits. It shouldn’t take long. I just have one line that I need to rewrite. I highlighted to have me thinking about rewording it. It definitely needs some work, so I will try and work on it sometime this week.

I hope this productivity that I am feeling lasts. The last few days had sucked because I could barely get myself out of bed. All I wanted to do was sleep and today I was able to do things. I am not manic or even hypomanic but I am feeling good. I still feel sort of depressed, though. At least twice today, I have thought about killing myself or just wondering what it would be like not to be alive anymore. It’s hard to believe that it’s now 2000 and I am not tired or sleepy like I have been in the past. I had a coffee today rather than an espresso drink. I am feeling wired. Maybe I am in a mixed state, but without the agitation.

I was able to get my recycles and a box out of my room. I hope to get another box out of my room tomorrow. I think that will help ease some of the clutter in my room. I can’t do anything about the clothes in my room. I have no where to put them so they will have to stay where they are.

Last night I was so depressed, I couldn’t bring myself to print out my blogs and the short story I just finished. Every time I thought about getting out of bed to put the paper in the printer, plug in the printer to my laptop, just wore me out just thinking about it. This morning, I had more energy so was able to print off the stuff I needed to. It didn’t seem like a chore like it was last night.

Last night I was in a very depressed mood. If I had a place to hang myself in my room, I probably would have gone through with it. I was in such a nasty depressed/suicidal mood. And today it is like night and day. I am feeling good but in a down sort of way. I don’t know what causes me to feel so bad at times. My appetite is still down. All I had to eat today was a sandwich at Starbucks. I am not really hungry for anything, though I am thinking about the jelly donut my brother-in-law gave me. I was going to have that in the morning but it might be my supper. But if I do eat, I think I will have a protein bar. I think that will be a better idea than a jelly donut. I just don’t feel hungry and food is the furthest thing from my mind. I would rather contemplate killing myself than eat something. I don’t know. It’s not like I have lost weight. My pants still fit me the same. I never lose weight like I used to. I think if I was more active, I might be able to lose more weight. But with a bum ankle, being active is difficult.

I don’t know why I feel really good today. I don’t even feel tired. I feel kind of like on cloud nine but I haven’t taken anything to make me feel this way. I hope this lasts. If I feel down tomorrow, I might be cycling, which is not good. Being bipolar sucks. You never know what kind of mood you are going to be in.

Tired Funk

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I really wanted to go out today but my need for sleep overrode my desire to leave my bed. I slept pretty good so I don’t know why I am so tired. I kept on giving myself times to get ready, like I will take the 1 pm bus. When that didn’t work out, I said I would take the 2 pm bus. That didn’t work out either. So now it’s too late for coffee but I might make a cup of tea. I think that will get me out of this tired funk I am in.

Only thing that I did today was make pancakes. I still am full from them. I don’t have an appetite. My mother is making her stuffed chicken breasts tonight. Just glad I don’t have to fend for myself. Otherwise I would not eat.

I feel depressed today for some reason. With my plans canceled tomorrow, I have nothing to do. I have therapy tonight. Just hope that I can be awake enough for it to make sense.

I read a blog today about how this blogger finally got her psych diagnosis, from a psychiatrist. It was something she wasn’t expecting but sounded like her and her therapist were ready to handle it. She was really mad that she has PTSD. She didn’t say how she got it, and I didn’t go fishing through her blog to find out. Anyone can have PTSD. I even have it, though it’s not prominent in my life. I don’t get flashbacks anymore, only when my pain flares up and I can’t move my toes. That is really the only time I will start flipping out and take Ativan. I will take Ativan for spasms, too. But it’s rare these days as my pain is well controlled. The last time I remember having PTSD symptoms was when I was in the hospital and I was in severe pain.

Seeing as I am not doing anything tomorrow, I might get my haircut. I just have to figure out of I want to get it cut in my town or in Boston. I probably will have it done at in my town as I can just come home and shower afterwards. It’s always a pain when I want to get my haircut because I sometimes don’t get it the way that I want it cut. And it all comes down to gender haircuts. I prefer a male haircut because I am male. Yet I have a body of a woman so I get stereotyped. I often get a double take when I say I want a double zero on the back and sides and short and spiky on top. I don’t understand why they can’t follow my directions. I know what I want and I know what I like, so why are you giving me a funny look? I am tempted to go to downtown Boston because I really liked the girl that gave me my cut last time but with my fatigue and the walking involved, I don’t think I can make it. The weather is supposed to be warmer so maybe I will. I don’t know.

I still have yet to empty my recycles or throw away another box like I said I would. I don’t know how I got a collection of boxes in my room. I still have the printer box but I am going to hang on to that one just in case something goes wrong with it. Problem is, my brother in law has moved the recycle bin to his back porch rather than the front. So now I have to go down the stairs and through his house, to get to the recycle bin. It’s a pain in the ass.

Sleepy Sunday 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Yesterday my blog reach 139 views, the second most views it has had in quite a while. I was very happy.

Pain kept me up most of the night. I didn’t go to bed till at least 0300 or after. And to my surprise, I slept till 1500! I have never slept that late in a long time. I had something to eat and then I went back to bed. I am just so very tired. I didn’t do anything special to sleep, which is weird. Usually I take something, like Neurontin, and I can sleep for hours on end but this time I didn’t. I guess I really needed to sleep.

Needless to say, I got nothing done today, except today’s blog. I was going to join a chat but I fell asleep, again. I just took my night meds, some of them, so I should be going to sleep soon. Surprisingly, I am not in as much pain as I was last night. Last night was horrible. I was in so much pain I couldn’t do anything. Any type of movement with my ankle just brought more pain. I could barely stand to take my meds last night. That was a trick I hope I don’t have to learn again.

Because I was in la la land most of the day, my pill box didn’t get refilled. I will do that tomorrow. I have nothing to do all day except for my therapy appointment in the evening. In fact, other than therapy and my pdoc appt this week, nothing else is in the roster. So I can watch baseball games! I watched the last 2 ½ innings of the spring training game today. We won 6-3, even though the other team out hit us. I guess the other team gave away more walks than they should have, and it proved costly.

I finished typing the short story about psychosis last night. I am so happy to have that done. It really took a lot out of me to type up. I plan on editing it and then deciding if I want to publish it on my blog or just keep it non-published until it becomes part of the book I am making.

I really hate dry skin. I feel so itchy all over the place and I know it’s because of the dryness. It happens every winter, and is worse after a shower. I try to put lotion on but there are spots, like my back, that I can’t reach. I try to use a different soap to wash up with when it gets really bad. That usually helps until it wears off. Then I am scratching again.

I am going to try and change the linen this week. It’s always a arduous task but a necessary one. I haven’t quite decided if I am going to change in to my fleece sheets or my regular sheets. I still have a few days to think about it because I have to take the stuff off my bed to change the bed. Stuff like my journal and books. I sleep only on half my bed. The other half is my “office”.

I am also going to try and get a haircut this week. I just haven’t decided where to go to get it. I can go to the local barber shop but lately, they haven’t been cutting it as short as I would like. I have been going to Supercuts. The last time I went there, they did a good job, but it was at a location in Boston, not the one that is near my psychiatrist’s place. If I wait till Friday, that will be ok. I should be able to get up early and get my haircut before the appointment.

While I was up between naps, I made something to eat. Guess you can say it was lunch and dinner rolled into one. Made cinnamon rolls and then chicken nuggets. It was good. Then I went back to sleep.

Twenty-Three Years

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mental illness, suicidality

Twenty-three years

Today marks twenty-three years that I have sought help for my depression and self-destructiveness. I actually didn’t seek help straight out. My English teacher noticed I was upset and pulled me aside and saw the marks on my wrist that I had made the night before. She then told me to stay after class, something no teacher has ever told me to do before. She took me to the nurse’s office. We chatted. I told her about what happened at my house the last two nights and how much I just wanted to die. She called my mother, who then took me to the local counseling center. By then, I told them “nothing was wrong” and that I was “okay”. I declined treatment and went on with my day. Daily visits to the nurse’s office became more frequent. I just stopped in to check in and told her what was going on. She wanted me to see someone so the following week I agreed to see the school counselor. Thus started my official journey into psychotherapy.

It hasn’t been an easy road. For the first ten years, I had a different therapist nearly every year. I think the only time I had two years was with the psych resident that wanted to see me or I would still be in the hospital. I went through a lot with this psychiatrist in training. While in her care, I attempt suicide and ended up being in the hospital for two and half months. When she ended her residency, I went to another psych in training. He wasn’t as good as she was. In fact, he was terrible. I felt like he was more my brother than a therapist but when I told him I was procuring more medication to end my life, he asked me if I was suicidal. That is when I knew he was an idiot. I pretty much ended our relationship within a few weeks and saw someone else. She was good, had years experience. But after I had an argument with my sister and she wanted to know more about my sister’s social life than my anger, I ended things with her. I went about a month without seeing someone. I then decided to go back to my town’s local mental health center. I saw someone there for a year and again, she decided to move on after that year mark. We were finally connected and I felt so betrayed. I didn’t think I was going to see another person again. I don’t know what changed my mind. I knew I didn’t want to see someone else at the local mental health center. I wanted to see someone private. I figured they were less likely to leave their practice. And I luckily found my current therapist and we have been together for fourteen years. It is the longest relationship I have had, outside of my psychiatrist. I am lucky that I have had just one psychiatrist for my medication all these years. She does more than just prescribe my medication. She also does some therapy and is my sounding board for the various medical issues that I have. And I can’t wait to see her again in a week after not seeing her for four long months. It is going to be weird seeing her again.

I don’t know why I have stuck it out in therapy all these years, especially when things were at their worst. I have been beyond hopeless and yet my psych team (therapist and psychiatrist) always made me see another day, sometimes against my wishes.