Tag: chronic physical pain

delusions continue

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, psychosis

I had therapy today. I read her what I wrote on Twitter and to my psychiatrist. I heard back from my psychiatrist about what I have written. Here is an excerpt of what I wrote on twitter:

having delusions are fun. I think I can write a story if they keep up. Or maybe I’ll just make it up as I go along. Fiction has no rules. Seth, who was killed by bratec, is now living in ISIS. He is now big Ben and is being controlled by the G’oauld. Allah is their god but big Ben thinks he is their god and everyone must bow to him. See it makes an interesting story. The G’oauld is a parasitic alien that lives at the base of big Ben’s neck. It gives Ben powers of mass destruction. That is all I will say. Voices are yelling at me to sleep and keep this info a secret. But it is all true. The G’oauld are going to take over earth. Just watch.

I just sent it to her. I don’t care anymore. These delusional are real to me. I am getting paranoid when I think about the destructiveness of the aliens so I try not to think about it. It really scares me. And the fact that no one knows about this. But then the aliens have been hidden for centuries in humans. My therapist thinks that I am caught in some kind of sci-fi fantasy of some sort. Whatever. I know this is real. My therapist was kind of in awe of my delusion. But she didn’t talk me out of it. Part of the agitation last night was because of pain hitting new levels, despite taking pain meds. All I could do was write and what came out was the delusion of my thoughts. But is it a delusion if you can’t reality test? No one can prove to me that I am wrong so therefore, I am right?

I am watching my niece. I think I have eaten practically anything that my sister has. I have had corned beef and cabbage, Hershey choc chips, corn bread, popcorn, and water. I am so full it’s not funny. And I had a bacon and cheese sandwich before I picked her up from school! Must be the meds that are making me hungry. I feel really bloated and sick so I don’t think I am going to have anything else tonight.

I just hope my psychiatrist doesn’t want me in the hospital. I told her they will plant stuff into me, which I think they will. They won’t understand the meanings of what I am saying.

The weather has been weird today. This morning was raining, then it was sunny. Now it is windy and raining again. But it’s warm out so I am happy about that. Just weird that things got dark all of a sudden and the wind picked up. I want my sister to come home soon so I can lie down on my bed. I got a stomach ache. I shouldn’t have had so much corned beef but it was so good. My brother in law makes a good boiled dinner, though I wish he would cut the meat and cabbage up before boiling everything together. That was why I had a huge piece of meat. But oh well. Now I just want to put my feet up and relax, but mostly just put my feet up because they will hurt less later than they would be now.

Funny thing. I was reading something last night and found that the editing was terrible. I couldn’t believe that they published it with so many errors. For example, they had ” x, x, x and” with no comma after the third x. It was like that the whole thing that I read. It annoyed me so I stopped reading it. I am no grammar police but to see that in a published book was sad.

Random 376

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, suicidality

I was on a BPD chat tonight and the topic was “tell your story or re-author it”, something to that effect. It was going well until someone brought up comfort zones. I said that my therapist gets uncomfortable when I bring up my suicidal thoughts and feelings. This person replied “well there are rules for that”. That is not the same thing. You can’t all be talking about daisies and puppies in therapy. Sometimes you need to have a therapist listen to the hard stuff that is making you want to kill yourself and if that is not part of the comfort zone, then what is?? I had to leave the chat because I got so pissed off. I don’t really know why it bothered me so much. Probably because I am so tired of therapists having their comfort zone EXCLUDE suicide talk. Then things get real.

I didn’t do any promoting. No one was apparently interested that I wrote a book. It is weighing on me though. Because I am basing the sales of this book to my next. But it is going to be a while before I can come up with 150-200 pages of stuff. I edited today a blog I wanted to use. It is 3 pages long. So I tossed it. I am not going to use it because I can’t expand upon it. I have been tinkering with the possibility of writing a piece on being a suicide attempt survivor and what that means. I have written three articles in my blogs about it. I can combine all three and then go from there, or I can start fresh. It’s still up in the air. I don’t have a timeline to work on these things. It’s just whenever they come to me.

I took down one of the pages of my blog. I removed “why I blog”. I figured “what my blog is about” will be more fitting. I wanted to change things up a bit.

I got a month before I know if I won the AAS writing contest. I probably won’t win. I wrote pretty depressing stuff that wasn’t too hopeful. Just like my book. All I need to sell is 15 more copies and I will have met my goal of 100 books sold in a year. But I don’t think it is going to happen. I only sold 3 books this month. I need 12 more to make my goal. I have been promoting like crazy but no bites. An author gave a website today to promote an indie book. I am going to try and see if I can have my book on their website. It’s worth a shot.

Ankle is killing me today. I have been up and down the stairs a lot today. I also took a walk to the drug store to get my meds and a birthday card for my idiotic father. His birthday is next week. If I don’t give him anything, he is like a child and has a tantrum. Fucking ridiculous. I hate buying cards because I think they are just a waste of money. You pay for it, the person reads it, and then where does it end up? In the trash! So my money is now waste. Just don’t know why I bother sometimes.

I have been feeling depressed today. It really was an effort just to get out of bed. I had a rough time sleeping as I had weird dreams and my med app reminder kept going off. By the time I was awake enough to take my meds, it was 0400! OOPS. I just took my hormone pill as that is what I really need to take. I just hope it doesn’t mess things up. Will have to wait and see at this point. I didn’t bother taking my other meds because it was so early in the morning. I would have slept all day. I took a snooze, or what was supposed to be a snooze, around 1900 and I guess I just fell into a deep sleep. I am surprised I still had battery on my phone because I wasn’t charging it.

I have been craving salty and sweet things all day. Mostly, I have been craving bacon. But I just don’t want the clean up. My friend suggested that I cook it in the oven but I don’t know how that will be as I never made it that way before. And besides, I just want a few slices, not the whole package. I think it tastes better fried than baked anyways.

Back to Being Depressed

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Back to being depressed

The hypomanic stuff has finally worked its way out of my system. They don’t last too long. I was lucky to have it for as long as I did. I miss it already. But I am still being productive. I saw my psychiatrist today. She looks good and I think she was happy to see me. It is much better meeting in person than talking via email! She gave me the run down on her issues. She isn’t back full time yet, just working three days a week. I forgot to ask her about her pager so I sent her an email. I haven’t heard back yet. I gave her the run down of how the last few days have been and asked if I am managing it ok. It was so difficult without talking to her first. But she said I kept her in the loop and that I managed okay. I still am struggling and I asked her if this was to continue. She just said “we’ll see”. It’s not that often that I have a hypomanic episode. I get one every few years, though this is my second one since being on the remeron. While I was in the hospital in August, and a few days of starting the remeron, I had great euphoria, the complete opposite of what I came in for (being suicidal). It only lasted about 18 hours. This time it lasted a little bit longer than that. I am just waiting for the big crash. I know that is coming, I just don’t know when.

Today was colder than it has been all week. Tomorrow is supposed to be raining so I don’t think I will be going out. I have been out almost every day this week, only exception being Monday when I was in sleep/depression land. I picked up my niece today, which I think is the straw that is going to break the camel’s back. My calves are killing me. Between my house and her school, there are a lot of little hills. It took a lot out of me and I know I am going to be sore tomorrow. But I don’t mind because I am not planning on going out. Only reason I might go out is to get my prescription I dropped off at the pharmacy. I still have enough pills to get me through the weekend so if I don’t go tomorrow, I can certainly go Sunday.

My new Bluetooth headphones came today. They are much more comfortable than the other pair that I had. Next week I will test them out while walking. My old pair didn’t do too well but then they are nearly 5 years old. I hope the mic works well. I haven’t tried it out yet. The only thing that sucks about this headset is that you need a laptop to charge it. Not really going to be useful while I am in the hospital, if I should happen to get admitted again.

I am preparing myself for getting a new phone in the upcoming months. I bought a micro 64GB card and an otterbox. Both items were on sale so I didn’t feel bad buying them. And the cool thing about the 64GB is that I can also use it as a USB drive. I am going to get the Galaxy S5. But I am going to wait until the S6 comes out to Sprint before buying it because I would hate to pay $200 when I could pay half that or less. I am due an upgrade as it has been more than two years since my last one. I just don’t know if I want to spend $200 on a phone that is likely to become “old” in 6 months. My phone still works but lately it has been freezing and I have had to shut it down a few times to get it working right again. I just hope that all my songs I can transfer without a “licensing” issue. It will really suck to have to either buy the songs again or not be able to download it through Amazon’s MP3 player. But I will cross that bridge when I get to it.

The upside to Bipolar Disorder

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mental illness

The upside to Bipolar Disorder

Since yesterday, I have been on a roller coaster of emotions. One minute I am happy go lucky, then next I want to kill myself. It has been alternating like this for the past 24 hours. I don’t think I will act on my feelings, only because they have been changing so rapidly and usually distraction helps. My therapist has been keeping an eye on me. I don’t see her until next week but I am to keep in touch with her. The weather has flipped to the 50’s and 60’s for the first time all winter so I think that is part of the reason why my mood has shifted. I have been feeling restless so I need to keep moving. Being on the computer only keeps my attention only for so long and then I need to move on. Playing my game is not good for me because it requires more attention and time to play. I just don’t have the patience to go through every mission and collect the stuff I need, right now.

I got my haircut today so I am feeling fresh and clean. I am really happy with this cut. After the haircut, I caught the bus to the square to get my coffee. The downside was that I needed a pair of headphones so I bought myself one. I don’t know where this money is coming from but as long as things don’t bounce, I am good. Last night I almost bought a new phone because of my impulsivity is up. But I didn’t. I bought a membership to the AAS instead. That will be good for a year. I was tempted to buy alcohol today but I really shouldn’t be drinking in my state. It might have dire consequences, especially since I have been alternating being suicidal. Luckily the downside of things hasn’t lasted long. I just don’t know why I am so upbeat. I don’t feel out of control but I feel super. I also have been feeling paranoid. Today while walking to the bus stop, I was really on edge. I was hoping I would miss the mentally disabled guy that hangs around the bus stop. I didn’t and I was really uncomfortable. He makes me so nervous because he is so rude and just expects people to give him money for the bus. One of the high school kids gave him three dollars, which was good. He wasn’t asking people but then a disabled woman came off and he asked her for money. I was like WTF. He ate a banana and left the skin on one of the seats. He then sat on it as he moved over so the disabled woman could sit down. I just wanted off the bus. I was so close to getting off my stop when the stop before mine, a mother and daughter got on. They kept on asking the bus driver questions about how to get to where they were going and I was getting more annoyed. It was not good. I really was getting heated. I just wanted off the damn bus. I know my irritability is because of my mood state but just pay your fare and sit the fuck down! Man, I was so annoyed.

I am having all the classic symptoms of hypomania, with the exception of grandiosity. I just feel really good! I am feeling little pain, though I think I overdid it with walking today and then taking a shower. My foot/ankle are not happy with me right now. I am glad I am seeing my pdoc on Friday so we can sort this out. I hope I am still in good moods when I see her. It will really suck to see her when I am in a low mood. I will be emailing her to let her know what is going on so I cover everything. Just to keep her in the loop. So weird that Sunday and Monday I was sleeping all day and Tuesday and today I am high. I still have low appetite that I am eating. I just don’t have any interest in eating if food is not in front of me. My mother made pork chops for dinner tonight and I ate half of it before I was starting to feel sick to my stomach. I ate the rest of it just so she wouldn’t think anything is wrong. But now I feel so sick, it’s not funny.

Just emailed my pdoc about the change of symptoms so she knows what is going on and I don’t have to send her this blog post. I will send it to my therapist just so she knows how hyper I am.

I got Luke Bryan’s new music. I fucking love him. If I was straight or liked guys, he would be at the top of my list of men. But I am not, I just admire him and his music. He is a cutie though.

Think I am going to try and finish reading this mammoth book on the civil war so I can then move on to Doestoevsky’s “The Idiot”. My goal is to hopefully finish it by the end of this week. That is close to 200 pages. Wish me luck!!