Tag: chronic physical pain

A Little Unwell

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression

A little unwell

This song has been on my mind for the past week or so since a fellow blogger mentioned it. It seems fitting for today. Song is by Matchbox 20.

I got the case of the sleepy’s today. All I want to do is sleep but either my phone keeps going on with text messages or my mother’s phone keeps ringing every few minutes. I did manage to sleep for about 3 hours. I don’t know why I am so tired. I have no other symptoms. I am just exhausted and I haven’t done anything.

I got my new debit card today as my old one expires the end of the month. I thought I would do some shredding of some old pharmacy papers. I didn’t realize I had so many, and that was only within the last few months. No wonder why I am broke. All my money goes towards my meds. When I worked, I used to get reimbursed for the expense through the whatever you call it expense thing. I have a brain fart for the official name right now. I think it is FSA but I don’t know what that stands for. It helped during the year as I could get glasses and get the money back to pay more bills or buy birthday presents. I miss shopping for other people. But with my limited income, that makes it hard to do.

I have to file my taxes this year. Last year I didn’t because all I collected was my SSD. But now I have my royalties from my book and need to. I hope I don’t owe too much. I think I made like $300 in sales. Not bad, I guess. And that is from international sales as well as Kindle. I haven’t sold too many books on Kindle like I thought I would. I guess people need the paperback. I don’t have a hardcover for my book because unfortunately, it wasn’t an option. Only paperback. Might as well as it is not that long of a book, though it took me a year to really write it to 150 pages. The rest of it is the title page, references, and chapter page. I never did match up the page numbers with the chapter page. That would take too much work. It was hard enough formatting the damn thing. Took me all night to get it so that Amazon would accept it. That was one crazy weekend.

I really need to take a shower today. Even though it has been cold outside, I have been running hot and cold. Just the way the heating system is in my room. So I get hot and bothered and have to take off my long sleeved Tee. I am taking the week off the pill this week to try and stop the menses. I hope that this time next week, it will be done. And I will be free for another three months.

I am snowed in the next few days. Major storm is on the horizon, with snow predicted until fricken Tuesday. I hope my therapist doesn’t have to cancel this week. It will so suck.

Last night I kept myself occupied by watching videos of the Grand Ole Opry. It was pretty cool. If I ever go to Nashville, I will have to see a show. I mostly watched videos that had Carrie Underwood in it. She is one of my favorite artists. I still need to get her greatest hits album. I still haven’t decided if I want the CD or MP3. I have a few weeks to decide.

Take your time

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression

Take your time

Babysitting duties are over. I watched my niece overnight as my sister went away for the night. It was uneventful except losing to her three hands in a row while playing UNO! Stinker! But last time we played, I beat her so I guess we’re even. She did her thing, and I did mine. I even got her to read a little bit before bed. Score!

I went over my father today and got to listen to his problem, again, in detail. Something I really don’t fucking care about. Three people have told him what to do and he doesn’t want to fucking listen so enough already. Today he wanted my opinion and I told him and again, he didn’t want to hear it. Then it started snowing so I had to leave before it got bad. By the time I came home there was an even layer of snow on the ground. We are supposed to have snow from now until fricken Tuesday. I am not kidding. Kids are probably not going to have school on Monday or Tuesday, possibly Wed, depending on how bad it is. This is the worse year for snow as far as I can remember. We already broke the record and the season hasn’t ended. If it was warmer, this would just be rain and I would be happy, though it would probably cause flooding, so that wouldn’t be good! Can’t win with the weather in winter. Last year was mild compared to this one.

Don’t remember if I mentioned in my previous blog that I got a new printer. I am having trouble with it. It won’t load the stupid drivers and I have done everything, x3+, in the order that they have been telling me to. No stinking luck. I am going to have to call support on Monday. Maybe the USB connection is broken or something. I can’t figure out the wireless connection and from what I heard, it is a bitch to configure. So I am just going old school. This really sucks because I wanted to print out my blogs to I can edit them and maybe work on my second book.

I slept pretty good last night in my sister’s bed. I didn’t wake up in pain, though I sort of did around 0100. I played on the computer until my pain meds kicked in. I brought a few down with me just in case. But once I did go back to sleep, I slept good. I didn’t wake up with side pain like I do on my bed, which is making me think I need a new foam topper. Damn things are expensive since I last bought mine. But it is well worth it. I think I have had my topper for close to 10 years. Only trouble is, I don’t know how to get rid of it. I will probably have to cut it up so that it will be easier to put in the trash. Damn thing is thick and hard to cut though. I tried cutting a corner to make it fit better on my bed and it took me close to a half hour just for one corner. I said the hell with it for the others.

I chose this song for my blog because the song is stuck in my head since I first heard it. I love his voice. His other song, “Leave the Night on” is pretty cool, too.

I haven’t decided if I am going to watch the Grammy’s tomorrow night or not. Taylor is up for three nominations. I would love for her to get another Grammy. Just hope Kanye isn’t invited.

thank you

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression

I am overwhelmed by your comments. Thank you. It really means something when people reach out when you are down on your luck.

I sun downed really hard last night. I was tired and when I am tired like I was last night, I often think about ending my life. I was not only tired in the exhaustion sense, but tired of life in general, as you probably already know.

I am talking with my therapist tonight. I hope that I don’t sun down on her as I will be talking to her around 1830. That is the peak of my down experience. I still am feeling tired. I woke up in pain just now (0600) and I had only one pill left of my pain medication by my bedside. I am hurting too much to get up and get another pill. Just hope one pill does the trick.

I am feeling hopeless still over my situation. Being in pain is not helping. Losing sleep because of pain is not helping. Hearing voices because, well, I have no fucking idea, is not helping. The meds do help in this area but that doesn’t mean I won’t have another psychotic break and end up in the hospital.

Aside from taking my bastard father to the docs yesterday, I really haven’t left the house in a week now. I still need to get my one prescription in the Square. Pharmacy probably restocked it by now. It’s supposed to be really cold today, in the teens so not sure if I want to venture out. If I do, I will definitely get my mocha, my one joy in life. My printer finally came last night. I plan on setting it up today but I don’t know if I want to. Everything is just overwhelming me right now. Think I will try and go back to sleep.

Feeling tired and listless

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain

Feeling tired and listless

I went to bed feeling pretty perturbed. I am glad the trilafon helped to ease my suffering for a little while. I wish I slept a little more but my damn phone kept going off. It started with my pill reminder for my day meds (which I forgot to take and now is too late to do so), then several phone calls, two of which were from my father. I told my therapist about this and my MIA psychiatrist. I don’t know if I was in a mixed or psychotic state fueled by my suicidality or just agitation. Whatever it was, I am ok now, though I would rather be sleeping but I am still waiting for the delivery of my new printer. It is supposed to come sometime between now and I hope 1730. I have been keeping an eye outside for the truck. Lots of snow in the street and so I hope it won’t be delayed another day. There is still a snow emergency in effect in my town until 2000. Kind of ridiculous as it’s a sunny day out, but it is brutally cold.

If the delivery wasn’t today, I probably would have gone out to get my last prescription. I still have some left over but it’s not going to last me the week. I will try and get it tomorrow after my appointment with my father. Yes, I get to deal with the bastard tomorrow. I got to take him to the doctors because he can’t go on his own. I rather shoot myself in the head than take him to the docs tomorrow. Good thing I don’t own a gun.

We talked about various things in therapy. But mostly about my psychotic episode. I haven’t been like that in a while. I took my pink pill the day before and been taking it every other day with no problems. Now I had this episode, I don’t know if I should go back to taking it every day. I would ask my psychiatrist but she is not available. The trilafon I took seems to have calmed me down some though I still feel a little unsettled. I might take some more tonight to see if it helps. Trilafon has always been my “go to” drug when I am like this. And I don’t have to wake up early so hopefully, I can sleep late. I am going to try and go to bed early tonight.

Mail hasn’t come yet. I am still waiting for my Amazon order as well. I just need my calendar. There is an empty space on my wall and it is driving me nuts because that is where it is going to go. My walls are so bare. I really don’t have anything hung up. I had this beautiful Mexican stamp poster that I framed in my other place. It’s still packed along with my other stuff. When I moved into my current room, everything was tossed in it like garbage and I never could clean it because I got so overwhelmed. Then I lost one of my alcoves when I moved my one bureau in my room. It still doesn’t hold all my clothes, but does most of them. I hate not being able to clean and you would think with all this time on my hands, I would be able to. But it overwhelms me. Plus, I start cleaning, get distracted with something, and then do nothing. I am going to try and clear off my bureau one of these days. It has a lot of shit that I don’t need anymore. I just need to go through it, like everything else in my room.

I thought about writing my short story/blogs and putting them into a book. Only problem is the ones that I picked out are really short, like not even two pages long. That is not really a story. Sometimes, I am able to write long blogs but lately, I am lucky to write 500 words. It’s a struggle to get the words out, especially like today where all I want to do is sleep. Maybe if I print out the stories/blogs, I can work on it and make them longer. I don’t know. I got to work on something. It’s driving me crazy not doing anything but struggle all the time with everything. But that is what depression does to you.