Tag: depression

Random 2719

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging

I finished “Suicidal Mind” by Edwin Shneidman. His book, as his others, were fascinating to me and full of language. I learn something new every time I read his books. It was good to familiarize myself with this one because it resonates with me so much.

Now, I don’t have anything to read except my Civil War book which I am ready to toss to the unread pile. I have only about 300 pages to go yet I feel like this book is not going to end, that the war is going to go on forever as he draws out he years of the war like no tomorrow. We haven’t even made it to the year 1863 yet. We are just into 1862. That is another 2 years to go. I will never judge a book by its cover ever again.

If you read my previous blog today, I wrote a little about myself, my likes and favorite books and such. A friend blogged about it so I “stole” it from her.

I finally took a shower and I feel so much better. I might actually stay up now. I was feeling so sleepy before. And I did have a cup of coffee. I might have a cup of tea to sustain me. I haven’t had lunch yet. I haven’t had much of an appetite lately. I did make breakfast this morning. I might make pasta for lunch/dinner. But my mother has taken over the kitchen as she is making banana bread. I think she is using every frozen banana we have, which is good because they like to fly out of the freezer. Soon as she is finished, I will make my pasta.

Ankle is hurting but that is nothing new. I just stood for about 20 minutes in the shower, a record. I usually just stay about 10 minutes but I stayed a little longer with the hot water on my back. It’s been cramping lately and I don’t know why.

Another blizzard hit. I can’t see out my back porch door. Snow has completely covered it. I hope there is no emergencies and we have to use that door to get out of the house. We will be stuck. I don’t think I will be leaving the house any time soon. I might go out Tuesday but I am canceling my doc appt for Wednesday. I really don’t feel like going through public transportation as lately, they have had major breakdowns. Last night, someone jumped in front of the train, causing major problems commuting passengers. They had buses but they were gridlocked with the snow and traffic. My friend was unfortunately stranded. It took her over two hours to get home.

Only place that I am planning on going this week is Starbucks. I so need a mocha or a latte. I just realized it has been three weeks since I last went. But with all the snow and delays with the bus, I haven’t ventured out. Surprisingly, the bus I take to my father’s, which is usually late, was on time yesterday. But it is going to take some time for them to dig out the bus stops so I think Tuesday will be safe to venture out. If not, I will just go home. Screw waiting for the bus in knee high snow. I really don’t need a fall.

I really don’t know what is going on with Twitter today, but all the posts that I have seen/read have been about sex. Not intimacy or love, just sex and sex toys. I guess 50 Shades has something to do with this, but I am not sure. It isn’t entertaining to me.

I have been listening to Linkin Park for most of the day. I was listening to one of the songs last night with my niece. She was playing “In the End”. I like that song but she was kind of obsessed with it. When I played it on my phone, she had a look of credulous on her face. She is too funny.

I’m getting really hungry so I will stop here. Pasta time!

Valentine’s Day 2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression

Valentine’s Day 2015

Today is my sister’s 10th anniversary. I wish them well, even though they have their disagreements, they are still together. In honor of the traditions, which is tin or metal, my brother in law gave my sister a package of aluminum foil. I had to laugh. I am still laughing.

I went to my crummy father’s. He does have a nice place, but he is the one that is crummy. He got wicked mad at me because my boot tracked in snow and salt. I am never going to hear the end of it. I filled his box of pills and waited for my sister to finish his laundry. Damn guy has it made. My youngest sister does his bills, middle sister does his clothes and makes his bed with the clean sheets, and I fill his pill box.

I didn’t shower like I wanted because I woke up kind of late. I wanted to get up around 1000, but got up around 1030 instead. I had a crappy night sleeping. I went to bed around 1930, only to wake up around 2300 to the beeping of my pill reminder alarm. I forgot to shut it off as I took my pills around the time I started snoozing. Then I was up like every fricken hour. I finally called it quits around 0300 and read for a little bit. I was in pain so took some pain meds. When they kicked in I went back to sleep for the next few hours. I woke up around 0730-0745 to hear my mother struggle down the stairs. I am always fearful she is going to fall so I listen carefully before I went back to sleep. It was really a rough night and I don’t know why. I think the dreams that I had during my nap is what kept me up. I still had a feeling of doom while sleeping, which didn’t help.

I just finished my babysitting duties. I am tired and want to go to sleep but I have crops to harvest and plant (FB game). Ankle just flared up so I doubt I will be going to sleep anytime soon. I tried ignoring the pain last night and it didn’t get me anywhere close to a restful sleep. Not ignoring it tonight.

I was able to get $20 out of the deal, so now I can put some money on my T pass and possibly go out next week. I do have to go out on Wed for a doc appointment. I just wish it in the vicinity of a Starbucks. I really miss having their coffee. Even though I make it at home, it’s not the same as going out and getting it.

I don’t think that shower is going to happen tonight like I was hoping. Maybe if I am still up in a couple of hours, I will take one. But it’s really cold in the house and I know the floor is going to be super cold. I wish we had heated tiles. That would be so nice.

Random 873

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression

I finally was able to have a nap today. Too bad it was filled with horrible dreams and images. Luckily, they dissipated when I woke up. I had woken up early today because the cable guy was supposed to be here between 8-9. They got my TV working again, though even he had trouble getting through to cable to turn the device on. I had to laugh.

I still am pretty sleepy but thought I would write before going back to bed. I don’t think I will be working on my short story today as I have no inclination or motivation to do so. It will have to stay at 845 words, for now. I was going to work on it this morning but I got distracted by Twitter and my text messages going off. The public transportation system is a mess since all this snow, with major delays and cancellation of services, especially our commuter rail lines.

I am feeling pretty crummy for some reason, not physically, just mentally. I think it’s because my mother really said something hurtful to me this morning. She was blaming my niece’s irresponsibility on me, like it is my fault she didn’t wake up to watch my little niece. It really pissed me off. But if I am so irresponsible, how is it then, that you still have cable and I have my cell phone? She just is a bitch and it is getting worse as I get older. I can’t stand her. I really wanted to tell her off but I bit my tongue. I really wanted to say something but I just walked away.

Tomorrow I need to see the other parent. Wish someone would fill my pill box every week. I was talking with a friend last night and she wondered why I didn’t go to the ER when I was psychotic. Just because I was a little agitated didn’t mean I needed to be in the ER. She thought I would be “safer”. I explained, which I shouldn’t have to, that I have been through this before and I know when I need to be in the ER and when I don’t. She got all mad. WTF.

I finally found my Lincoln DVD. It was on my nightstand all this time, hidden under some tissues. I am glad I found it because I was starting to think that I lost it as I couldn’t remember what I did with it. The place where I thought it was, it wasn’t. I checked every where that it could be, including the case and where I put my other CDs. But it is found and that is the important thing. I watched it and I couldn’t believe I fell dozed off during my favorite part of the movie. I woke up with the battle scene and Lincoln talking to Grant (where the end of the movie should have taken place, in my opinion). I didn’t cry during the end when he died. I usually do, even though I have seen this movie over a hundred times already. I will probably watch it tonight and try not to doze off.

Oh my Gawd, my whacky cousin just came to visit my mother. Hope she doesn’t want to see me. I can’t stand her. She drives me nuts with her constant health problems, some of which I think are made up or diagnosed on the internet. She once saw a whacked doc who told her, her adrenals were depleted. If that were true, she would be able to maintain her blood pressure. She’d be passing out left and right. Hypochondriac she is. I used to trust her and actually did one time. But then she teased me on my mental illness and other things so I cut her out of my life. I have limited contact with her as much as possible.

I still got my damn menses. I hope it goes away soon. It’s so annoying me not wearing boxer shorts. I think I am getting a migraine. My head hurts, but only on one side of my head. I hope some ibuprofen takes care of it.

Loss

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

Loss

My friend that I am close to, lost his father. I don’t know if it happened yesterday or today as he is in South Africa. I feel bad for him because his father is in England and now he has to travel there.

This is the 4th loss of a parent of people I know this year. It saddens me because my parents are relatively in good health and are much older than my friends parents. This is because my parents had my sisters and I at an older age.

I got into a fight with my mother today over the cable. We put in a call because the digital converter box is not working. The guy said yesterday a tech would come out between 12-2. He never showed up. I waited till 5 pm. I told my mother I would call today and see what I could do. Well, I woke up early, like 0500 early and by 8 I was tired and wanted to sleep. She kept nagging me to call and I said why don’t you call. She gave the “excuse” that she was babysitting. A nine year old, not a nine month old that required attention. But I bet dimes to donuts its because of her hearing she didn’t want to call. She is fucking deaf and won’t do anything about it. Yesterday when she called, she had me go downstairs to complete the call because she didn’t understand what the guy was saying. She drives me nuts.

I am also thinking about my Godfather who died this month three years ago. And also my Aunt who also died this month last year. The date is close to my Godfather’s death. I didn’t see her before she passed because she was very ill and had shingles all over her face. I wanted to remember her the way that I do now, not like what she become. I did go to the wake and funeral. It was very painful as she was a close aunt. I grew up with her. But because of a language barrier (she only spoke Italian, dialect), it was often difficult to have a conversation with her other than yes and no. I am grateful she didn’t get Alzheimer’s, even though she was more than 90 years old.

My godfather died suddenly and peacefully. I think he had a pulmonary embolism (blood clot in the lungs). His death was more traumatic to me than my aunt because she had been sick for a while and he was not. He wasn’t in the best of health as he was 82. He had Alzheimer’s so every time I talked with him, I had to explain who I was. I don’t think he really remembered but he just had a conversation with me just the same. It became harder as the years progressed so I stopped calling except on his birthday and holidays.

Think I am going to take that nap that I should have taken this morning now. I am so drained and I just had a cup of coffee. I hate when the coffee has the opposite affect on me. I really wanted to do some writing today but don’t look like it’s going to happen. Maybe after my nap.