Tag: depression

Going out today, NOT

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression

Going out today, NOT

I had made the effort to go out today. But the bus I was supposed to take never showed up. I later found out it was canceled and the jerks at the public transportation didn’t send out an alert, like they should have. If I had gotten the alert, I would have just stayed home. Instead, I froze my butt off for a half hour. I am still pissed but I can try again tomorrow. Maybe I will bring a shovel with me to dig out a space so you can get to the street without trying to kill yourself. The sidewalk was clear but the street wasn’t. Once that freezes over, you can easily slip and fall. I really don’t want to fall in the middle of the street with cars coming at me.

I came home and had lunch and coffee. Much needed coffee. I made it perfect again. Seems I am getting the hang of coffee to water ratio down pat. Now I don’t know what I am going to do for the rest of the afternoon. I think I will work on my short story while I still have my coffee buzz. Then I think I will hit my office and try and go through some old mail and junk/shred things. I saw some old Explanation of Benefits from my insurance company that I am sure I don’t need anymore. I have to find the insole to my LL Bean slip-on boots. I know it’s in that pile. I would love to wear these boots again because they are so comfy in the winter.

Just got a tweet saying that my town is no longer under a snow parking ban. That is nice. Too bad we can’t park across the street because the snow is only 6 feet high. It would take someone several hours to dig out and then where to put the snow? We can’t toss it on the sidewalk or in the streets or make the drifts on the sidewalk bigger than what they are. I really wish we can have some rain and high temps, like 40 degrees, to get rid of some of the snow. We have a break from snow the next few days. I think we are supposed to get some over the weekend but temps are supposed to be in the upper 30s so maybe it will just be rain like I am hoping. I have seen enough of this winter already and I usually love winter because I love the cold. I will be the first person to complain about the heat. Maybe not on the first hot day but the second. I can’t stand the heat. I rather it be 65 in my room than 75.

My mood right now is kind of pissed off because I rather be typing this in Starbucks than my room, again! I hate not having a car in weather like this. But then, I would be a pain to constantly move my car and shovel it out with the way the winter has been. I just wish the T was more reliable lately. I hope they are reliable Monday because I have to go out to get my pain meds refilled. I plan on going out in the morning so I can catch the morning buses and just stay at Starbucks until it is time to leave. I will be meeting with the nurse practitioner, not my PCP this time. I hope the airhead just fills my prescription without having me pee in a cup. Last time I couldn’t go because I didn’t drink anything. This time I will be prepared, just in case.

I have been in dehydration mode the last few days. Mostly because I don’t have any bottled water to drink. I have been conserving what I have left for my medication that I take at night. I usually drink Powerade but I am out of that. I suppose I could have bought a bottle while I was waiting for the bus. But I am relaxed now and don’t feel like making a trip out again.

Another Snowy Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression

Another Snowy day

I am so sick of the snow. It snowed again today, though it didn’t appear to stick. But it threw off my plans of leaving the house. I might try tomorrow. I really want to get out of the house, to do something that makes me happy, like go to Starbucks. Being stuck in the house is no fun. I just got notification that the bus schedule for tomorrow is limited so I might be stuck another day inside. Just fucking great. I rely on public transportation to get me where I need to go and it really sucks right now. According to the GM, it will take approximately 30 days to get it up and running “normally” again. And our new governor is being a fink. Just blames the GM instead of asking what he can do to help the situation. That’s politics for you.

I had planned on just working on my game today but I woke up late, had lunch for breakfast, and then went back to sleep. I planted short crops (those that take only a few hours) but never harvested them. I guess I will just deal with it tomorrow. When I planted my black eyed peas, I didn’t yield enough of an item so need to request that again.

I really don’t know if I am depressed or what, any more. I have a low mood but then I always have a low mood. I am not really thinking about ending my life but I wouldn’t mind being dead. I have been very sleepy, irritable at times, and have no appetite for anything. Granted there is nothing to really eat in the house. I can’t go shopping until next week. I am going to have to make some sacrifices in order to put the order through. I need food and water. I don’t like our tap water, never did. It just doesn’t taste right. I have been sneaking my sister’s bottled water to my room. I actually need to get another two bottle tomorrow as mine are almost empty and I need to take my meds in the morning.

I got some paper with my book order. I plan on using it to wrap the books rather than buy mailers. Think is the brown paper is all wrinkled and such that I have to unravel it. It must be about 4 feet of paper that I need to deal with. I figure using it would be better than recycling it. And it gives me a mundane thing to do. Now if only I had that motivation to actually do it, I will be set.

I just took my meds and am already ready to go back to sleep. I can’t stand living like this. I would try and end my life but I am so afraid of failing or someone finding me in time that I just don’t even try. Yet I think of my friend who killed himself and I think, why can’t I do that? I have no therapy for the week. My therapist is on vacation. Still no word on my psychiatrist coming back. I hate feeling this way when she isn’t around. I would email her but it just seems to be a one way conversation. Frustrating as it is, I rather not write a long email and then have it “ignored”. So I wing it, on my own, again. And it gets really old.

sleepless night 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Can’t sleep. I got a lot of things on my mind. One is how I am going to afford groceries next week when I get paid. The nice thing about PeaPod (online grocery delivery place) I can preview my order. I just don’t know if I will have enough money for groceries and my meds. I really would hate to rob Peter to pay Paul again. But we’ll see.

A friend got my book and started reading it. She emailed me and said that she was upset but didn’t elaborate. I am still waiting for a response to make sure she is ok. But I might not get one till morning.

I started working on my short story and then got out of ideas. I literally was staring at the last word I had written and couldn’t think of anything else to write. I am short of like 80 words to make 1000. I know I can do it but I just need to get into the mindset. It just is so hard when I am not feeling it.

I watched a YouTube video on back pain. It was really stupid in my opinion. I didn’t find it helpful at all. But he did mention Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES), which I guess it is important but he didn’t go into grave detail about it. He just said that if your bladder or bowels are affected you have CES. He didn’t say go to the hospital right away, nothing. Just that it was a “red flag”. So stupid.

My menses finally stopped today. I am so happy. I can wear boxers again. I hope this is the last of it. I kept track this time so I will know how long it has been since the last time. I don’t have a good memory anymore so it’s important that I write things down. Course, remembering where I write it is also important.

I don’t think my friend is going to email me back tonight. Oh well. I do hope I hear from her tomorrow. I am going to try and go to sleep. I think I will take some Ativan to help me relax a little bit. I read some of the Civil War book today so I really don’t want to read another chapter. I finally read about Gettysburg.

Foot has decided to act up so I will be up for a little while longer. Fucking hate when I want to sleep and it gives me zaps. It caused me to jerk my ankle and now everything hurts. It flared up the pain syndrome. Just what I needed, not!

A quote

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mental illness

“Never kill yourself while you are suicidal. You can, if you must, think about suicide as much as your wishes and let the thoughts of suicide –the possibility that you could do it- carry you through the dark night. Night after night. Day after day, until the thoughts of self-destruction runs its course and a fresh view of your own frustrated needs comes into clearer form in your mind and you can, at last, pursue the realistic aspects, however dire, of your natural life”. –Edwin Shneidman, Suicidal Mind, p166

I came across this passage on the last page of the book. I found it meaningful because I have spent night after night, day after day, thinking about ending my life. I have even thought about ending my life when I wasn’t so depressed and hopeless, but I never felt the urgency to end it when I wasn’t in horrendous emotional pain, or physical pain as it has been the last few years. I posted this, during a chat last night. I guess you can say that I interrupted the chat. It wasn’t my intention. I forgot the chat was taking place during that time. I tried to participate in the rest of the chat but as usual, I didn’t. Yet a few of us had a discussion on the side about how we let our providers know if we are suicidal or not. My experience with my PCP is not to let on that I am suicidal, unless he asks me directly. I cannot bullshit my way out of a paper bag so I will answer honestly when asked a question. Most times, I get the third degree about my suicidal tendencies and my narcotic medication. He wants to make sure I am “safe” with it. What he doesn’t know, even though I have told him a million times, is I am more afraid of the Tylenol content than I am of the narcotic content. But I still get the drill of asking if I am safe with the medication. I really want to say that I have other plans that are more lethal but I don’t for fear of getting tossed in the psych ER.

I am feeling like a caged rat these days. I haven’t been able to get my coffee/latte at Starbucks in weeks because of the severe snow we have been getting. I thought I would be able to go out today but the buses are on a reduced schedule because of the holiday and still trying to get dug out of the snow. Plus, it’s a measly 1 degree out. So I am just staying in my room, again. I am listening to the radio today. Unfortunately, my favorite DJ is off today. We sometimes chat on Twitter.

I found out that my book is being sold on Ebay in the UK. I think it’s funny, but whatever gets my book sold, I am for. I am supposed to send out my book to reviewers, but because of my depleted funds and mail being disrupted due to the snow, I think I will wait until the end of the month. Hope by then, the storms will have gone away. Tomorrow and Wednesday we are expected to get more snow. It’s terrible. I don’t remember a winter this harsh. I just fear flooding when it all melts.

I guess today would be a good day to work on my short story. I will try and work on it after I write this blog. The nice thing about this story is that it’s new. I haven’t posted it on my blog and I don’t think I am going to. Unlike my “Darkness will Win” post, that is going to be published. I am working on collecting a few blogs and short stories together to make my second book. I just hope that formatting goes easier the second go round. The first time it was a nightmare. I literally had to go through all 150 pages to make sure they were formatted correctly on each page. And for the life of me, I could not get the acknowledgements page to be on its own. Drove me crazy! The first copy of the Kindle was all messed up. Luckily, only a few people bought it. I fixed it best I could but I still think there is a blank page in there somewhere.

I haven’t had much appetite the last few days. I don’t know why this is. I am depressed but I am not “that” depressed. At least the day time sleepiness is gone. My therapist is on vacation this week. It sucks having her away. My psychiatrist is still out with her broken hip. I just communicate with her via email. I sent her a couple of emails and got no response as usual. I wish she would acknowledge the damn thing so 1) I know she got it and 2) I get a little feedback. I just feel like I am roughing it on my own these days. I stopped taking my antidepressant because it stopped working. I wasn’t going to increase it without her being in the office. Plus it was causing me to keep the weight on as it increased my appetite. I haven’t noticed a big change in my mood since stopping it. I really don’t miss taking it. One less pill to take at night.