Tag: depression

Fricken cold today

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mental disorders

Just came home from the freezing cold. I usually don’t wear gloves because I don’t like them but today I needed them. I carried a bottle of Powerade home from Walgreens and my hand almost got frostbite! We were supposed to get 39 degrees today but it’s only 27 and feels like 20. I am so damn cold right now. My father has his pills set for the week, though I think he skipped a day and is lying about it. Oh well. I don’t give a shit. It’s his life not mine.

Still feeling kind of delusional. I might have to take an extra trilafon today. I was wicked paranoid on the bus ride home for some reason. I tried to sleep but I was so fearful someone was going to kill me it was hard to relax. There was hardly anyone sitting near me so I don’t know why I felt like this. I take my regular dose of the pink pill tonight and tomorrow night so that should prevent this psychotic episode from getting worse, I hope. I don’t get like this often, but when I do, it’s holy hell.

I haven’t had lunch yet. What I really want, I don’t have. I can’t wait to order groceries and get my steaks. I haven’t had a steak in a long time. I haven’t decided if I am going to share with my mother or not. She doesn’t like steak and always complains about it. But then, I am not paying the top dollar kind of steak so what do you expect?? I really would love a filet mignon but I just can’t afford it. Maybe for my birthday, if I live that long. I really don’t want to make it to my next birthday. It’s too much of an effort living the way I am. I have no life outside of family. I rarely see friends or former coworkers. I really just don’t to “be” any more.

Now that I am home, I just want to sleep. I would make pancakes but my mother is cleaning the spice rack and has all of them all over the place. I guess, I am going to have to wait. I will just take a nap and sleep off this morning.

I woke up early again but was able to get back to sleep. I didn’t have coffee today and it’s kind of late to have a cup now. I would have made it but after going back to sleep, it was time to take a shower and catch the bus. I just made it to the bus stop when the bus came, early. It must have been behind. Or I read the schedule wrong. Either way, I was happy that it came and I didn’t have to wait long in the cold.

I haven’t emailed or text my psych team letting them know that I am delusional. I just hope it passes on its own. There is not much they can do for me anyways. My therapist is still on vacation and my psychiatrist is still out of the office. I will just manage it the best I know how.

Delusional and Perturbed

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, psychosis

I keep hitting dead ends. I just can’t hold on any longer. My mind is so fucked up, I don’t think anyone can sort it out. I can’t even sort it out and it’s my mind!

I am just in one of the moods because of this agitation that I am in. I tried taking something for it but it hasn’t helped. Now things are swirling in my brain and I think writing about it is the only way to get these demons out of my head.

There was a seminar going on today on Twitter, dad2summit. I don’t know what it was about, but the last segment, of course, talked about “Man therapy”. It is the stupidest thing I have ever seen. Go to mantherapy.org and you will see how stupid it is. But if it helps prevent a man from acting on suicidal thoughts, then I am for it. That is why I don’t downcast it too much for that reason.

There has been a lot of roof collapses in the Boston area since the snow is only 8 feet on some roofs. I am now worried about our roof tops. I know I shouldn’t be because we don’t have a flat roof on my house, but there is one area of the house that does, the extension part. Trouble is, there is no way to get there because my back porch is piled with snow and that would be the only way to access it. So I am having dreams and fantasies of it collapsing. I just don’t feel safe and I know it’s irrational. But every time I get a tweet saying to check your roof, I panic. It’s like a command hallucination or something, telling me what to do. Maybe I am becoming delusional, I don’t know. I hate when I am agitated because that never bodes well for me.

I added a conclusion to Brick Wall, my short story that I have been working on the last few months. I am thinking about publishing it on my blog just so my therapist can read it. This is the first piece of work that I have worked on that I have not published on my blog. It’s kind of strange not to post it. But I still am kind of working on it and so I don’t really want to publish it until I am really done with it.

I have been thinking of preparing my “darkness will always win” into the template so that I can get things ready for my next book to be published. It will be a much shorter book. I don’t know how many pages it will be. Darkness is about 13 or 14 pages right now, alone. And the Brick is about 3-4 pages. I need to have at least 24 pages to make a book. But that requires me formatting and coming up with a title page, chapter page, etc. I am going to do things differently than I did with my first book, now that I know the formatting deal. I just hope I can do it. I already have my self-doubts about it not selling. And that I think it is stupid making a short story collection book knowing they don’t do well. But if Lawrence Block can do it, I can try. I just have to have the motivation to actually do it. I just don’t know which blogs I want to put in the book. The blogs that I had chosen are really short, like 2 pages! That is not going to get me far.

I just have the who fuck its going on right now. And this perturbation that I am feeling is not helping me. I wish I could email my psychiatrist and ask her what to do about this. Better yet, call her and ask her. But I doubt I will get a response quickly. I hate this delusional feeling that is creeping up. I might have to start taking my psych med every day as this is the second time in two weeks, three weeks, that this has happened. I can’t/won’t go back to the hospital. Why can’t tomorrow be Tuesday so I can talk with my therapist! She is on vacation so I can’t even text her because I won’t know when/if she will be able to call me back. We do have our code words for when I am in real distress. I am not psychotic, I just feel really perturbed!! And it’s stressing me out. And when I get stressed, the voices start acting up. Think I will take some trilafon and see if that helps calm me down. It’s the only thing I can think of that will settle the delusions about the roof collapsing and the command tweets that I have been getting.

Random 202

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression

I don’t know what to blog today. Today is the same as yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that. I watched my niece this morning for a little bit. Made her and I some breakfast. Then I had some coffee that I swear was a sleeping pill because I got really sleepy after I drank it. Not the effect it was supposed to have.

I wrapped another book today to be shipped out next week sometime. I am sending out free books to those that want to review my book. I just hope that they keep their end of the deal. One book I forgot to sign so that is being shipped to my cousin. I have two more books to wrap. But my motivation today is out the fricken window. It’s so fricken cold out so I didn’t dare go out. I do have to go out tomorrow. It is supposed to be warmer as it is supposed to rain, not snow. I just hope I make it out of my father’s place before the rain begins. I plan on going in the morning so I don’t have to deal with it, hopefully.

I am trying not to nap but it’s difficult. I am cold and just want to get under the covers to warm up. I might end up doing that after I write this.

Nothing good on the Twitter feed today. Yesterday was a little of everything. I had responded to a segment about diabetes having a new device. I asked what was the point if the diabetic couldn’t afford insulin. I got back that it was a “human rights issue”. WTF does that mean?? It’s not a human right, it’s a health care right! Pharmaceuticals shouldn’t be charging people life saving medicine up the wazoo. And then you wonder why more people end up in the ER due to diabetic complications and are seen as “non compliant” when in fact, they just can’t afford the medicine they are supposed to be taking. I know there are some people who don’t want to give themselves shots every day for the rest of their lives. But people like my mother, who has to take insulin six times a day and it costs her over $200/month, needs the medicine to control her diabetes. She is compliant, granted she doesn’t eat the way she should, but that is another issue. Making insulin affordable should be prioritized among health care doctors and nurses.

I could go on, but that is not what my blog is about. The other night I was reading “Touched With Fire”. I really like this book as it has my favorite passage from Edgar Allan Poe. He really knows what it is like to suffer from a “depression of spirits much as I have never known”. I also found the quote I was looking for about the thousand wounds. I will post it in my favorite quotes, if it is not already there. I think it is by Berloiz. Reading this book is helping me to understand my condition better and also to help ease my suffering a little bit. I am so tired of fighting every day these demons that steal my energy and motivation. I forgot what it was like to have energy and zeal. It has been too long. But I am in a prison of my own making and the weather has helped to isolate me. I am sadly, looking forward to going to my bastard father’s house because it gets me out of the house for a little while. I will have a 45 min or so bus ride to his house that will be my respite and the same coming back home, provided the buses run on time. I really don’t want to be in the cold waiting for the bus more than an hour. It will suck! But that is the gamble I have to take. I wish he would fill his own damn med case. Would save me a hassle and a half.

I’m starting to feel agitated and I don’t know why. I guess just talking about my idiotic father gets me upset. He really drives me and my sisters crazy. My other sister that does his laundry is not going over his house tomorrow. Great. I just hope I don’t have to listen to his damn stories about things I really don’t give a shit about. I just want to fill his med case and leave. Maybe I can borrow my sister’s car so I don’t have to take the bus. But I think she is working tomorrow. Oh well.

Finagling the Bagel 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression

Finagling the bagel 2

My sister called me today as she set up an appointment with my father for Monday, which meant I had to reschedule my appointment with the NP. Luckily, I was able to have it for Tuesday but that might mean that I have to cancel my therapy appointment for that day. I don’t know how the T is running so I plan on being where I need to be early so I can have therapy and then wait a half hour for the NP appointment. I just hope the damn bus is on time or I am screwed. Never mind about the trains. I think the Red Line should be safe as I have not heard anything about north of Boston being affected by the storms. Least I hope there are no troubles for Tuesday anyways. Will be bad enough that I have to deal with my father Sat and Mon. I think I will take an Ativan for Monday so that things don’t bother me.

My current journal is almost at the end. I will need to start a new one probably by the end of the month. I have to write the “Crisis response plan” in the new one. If it’s the first page, it’s easy to find. Plus I made some changes as my contact person has changed. The other person was/is too busy to return my emails so I doubt she will be available should I be in a crisis. My other friend is much more reliable, and I have her text. I also asked her if it would be okay for her to be my contact if I should need her and she said yes. She is a good egg, weirder than hell, but good.

Last night, I found some printing paper and a good article about psychologists needing self-care when dealing with suicidal clients. I plan on sending the article to my therapist. She might need it as a reminder when I am feeling stressed out and thinking my suicidal plans. I sent the article to a few Twitter buddies that are clinicians and my phone blew up with notifications this morning, which didn’t help my headache. Some had retweeted, favorited, or replied. Then there were new people that also did the same thing. I love how the word gets spread on Twitter so fast.

I took a shower today, finally. It was difficult because my back kept cramping up on me. I don’t know why when I am taking a shower my back seizes up on me versus when I am standing waiting for a bus. It’s really weird. Then after the shower, my ankle decided it was going to hurt. So I had to rest a bit before making lunch. I haven’t taken anything for pain because it settled down on its own, thank god. Very rare it does this but I am happy it did. I probably will be hurting later, but right now I am good.

Woke up with a stupid migraine. I planted some crops and then it was beddy bye time. I slept for about an hour and that helped tremendously (along with some ibuprofen). I still feel a little sleepy but a cup of tea helped wake me up. I couldn’t have coffee today because my French press isn’t clean and I was too lazy to wash it out. So tea it was this morning.