Tag: depression

to therapy or not?

by Midnight Demon, posted in mood disorders, psychology, psychosis

To therapy or not?

I spent most of the time while on the phone with my therapist today, trying to bring up therapy. What does it mean? Are we doing it “right”? Is she really helping me or am I just wasting my time? Then when I got home, I really thought about not having therapy anymore. I don’t see the point. I know that I am not in a too stable position to make a major decision like this. And I am not saying to stop therapy forever. But I think we have lost what “therapy” is. We talk for 50 minutes, usually I do most of the talking, but she has to talk sometimes, too. Sometimes it is helpful. Other times, or most times, I feel like she is regurgitating what I just said to her and putting it in her words. I feel lost. I have been reading about how psychotherapy is supposed to be helpful but I don’t find it helpful anymore. I feel like there is a war going on (inside me) that tries to stay the course, to please her, to have her hear my idiotic stories about my family.

She was on vacation last week and I had a couple of psychotic episodes. I was left to deal with it on my own. But then, I deal with everything on my own. I put myself on medicines that I think would be helpful. In the end, it is I who chooses to stop them because I no longer care. I don’t care if I kill myself. I don’t care who I hurt in the process. I just want to end my life and why is that so damn terrible?? People do it every day, every 15 minutes according to the statistics. I am just in a vulnerable state right now. My mind is playing tricks on me. The voices are either there or not there. I can’t fucking tell anymore. And when they are not there, I feel utterly alone and frightened. I don’t know why the voices have gone away. I haven’t taken that much medicine to make them go away. Something changed last night and I don’t know what it is. Maybe the mixed state fucked with the voices. I don’t know. I am too tired to listen for them. Usually they are loud when I am stressed. I have too much riding on my back. And I don’t think therapy is going to help me sort it all out. I am tired of dealing with me. And I think my therapist is too, she just won’t say it. I know I am a burden to her. I take up too much of her time.

I am supposed to take my abilify tonight, but I am not going to. I got to see if the voices come back. I need my reading voice to finish my books. Otherwise, they are just words on a page that has no meaning to me. Sure, I can “read” but it just won’t make any sense to me.

I am very tired, probably exhausted. I woke up early and did all the things that I needed to do today. The T gods were on my side. I had no troubles today. Only troubles that I have is in my heart and mind. I’d even take a commanding voice back if that meant I would be back in the psycho world. I feel really alone and I don’t like it. It’s lonely without my voices.

So I don’t think I should be in therapy, even though my therapist will argue for it. She is good at that. But what I need, she can’t give me. And I am very sad about that. I still wonder what my diagnosis is from her, not that it really matters. I often wonder if I still have borderline personality disorder or not. Or what personality disorder I do have. It’s been ages since psych 101 so I can’t even think what kinds of disorders are out there. But I don’t want to label myself. That is the worse thing you can do is to label yourself because that puts you in a box. And sometimes you are the round hole trying to put in a square peg that doesn’t fit.

Enchanted

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, psychache, psychosis

Enchanted

I forgot where I was going with this. Not having a good time right now. Side effects and mixed states do not mix. But this song always reminds of the night I shook David Jobes’ hand after he read my Ten Faces poster at the 41st AAS annual conference. The video is a little dizzying as the slow mo can make you feel sick so if you suffer from motion sickness, I would not recommend watching it!

I hate feeling cooped up yet zonked at the same time. I want to sleep but my arms are spastic. And I am just annoyed. Annoyed at everyone in my family today. I got “yelled” at by practically every member of the family today and I do not like it. I did what I could with my father and his appointment but if he doesn’t open his mouth, who am I to put words in it? Then my mother thinks I am her cook. She wanted me to make pasta for her lentil soup but I felt drowsy so slept. She then calls me asking where I was after she got annoyed with her sister. Today was not a good day with family. I just want to go to sleep but I am too agitated by side effects. Even as I am typing this my hand is cramping and it is quite painful. Fucking abilify. I emailed my psychiatrist and told her what was going on. I told her about the delusions and how isolated I have become. Still no response from her. I will be shocked if I get one. I just am glad I have therapy tomorrow because I hate these mixed states more than I hate anything else. My patience is gone. My father called and blew up because he saw blood on his shirt where he had his biopsy today. He said he was “covered” but I don’t believe him. It was a tiny puncture wound. I doubt that it would bleed that much. He just called me again to say there was “blood all over the place”. Lord help me. I think I will have some gin tonight. Screw the meds. I already had my pain meds and an Ativan. My therapist will not be happy with me but fuck her. She doesn’t know what I dealt with today. And maybe I can get some decent sleep. I just want to sleep till 0800, is that too much to ask for??

Another fricken cold day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression

Another fricken cold day

It’s supposed to be a high of like 18 degrees all week, that is with the wind chill. Tomorrow is supposed to be less than that, and I have to go out to get my pain meds refilled. I also have to finagle my appointment with my therapist. I figure on going to Starbucks first, get my mocha, then go to the hospital where my appointment is at, and just sit in the lobby to have my phone session. That is the plan anyway, if the T cooperates. So far, there hasn’t been too much disruptions on the buses or the red line. I am hoping the same for tomorrow.

Appt with my damn father. Let’s just say it was quick and over with faster than any other appointment. The only thing that sucked was waiting for the hospital shuttle to the train station. But we managed.

I am really tired and cold. I want to nap but I am too restless to actually do so. I could take something to calm me down some but I really don’t want to sleep this early in the afternoon. I am waiting a callback from one of my father’s docs and I don’t want to miss it. The doc we saw today was supposed to call in a script but hasn’t done so yet. So I am just waiting a callback to see when it will be done.

I wrote in my journal for most of the day today. I really haven’t been wanting to be on the laptop today for some reason. I am taking a break from my game, temporarily, as I am just fed up with it. You request stuff and you don’t get it day in and day out just frustrates you.

Did I mention I was cold? My hands and feet feel like ice. I hate being cold. I don’t know where the heat is today. It usually is warm in my room when it’s cold like it is today. I have been in my room for at least 3 hours and have not heard the heat kick on. This just sucks. I so just want to get under the covers and get warm.

I was hoping my powerade would be on sale this week but no such luck. But it is cheaper than Gatorade. But I need groceries this week so doesn’t matter. I need my stuff and ordering online is convenient. I don’t have to lug the stuff up the stairs either, which is really nice. I do, however, have to lug the powerade to my room, which is a pain. I usually transfer it to the recyclable bags as they fit more than the plastic bags. And I can usually carry it in one haul.

My mood is kind of down. Been thinking about the stress of tomorrow and it’s wrecking havoc on me. If I wasn’t such an idiot, I would cancel my appointment for my therapist but it is too late now. She requires a 24 hr notice and I passed it. I should be ok, but ever since the T has been having trouble, I have been weary. But I don’t want to be sitting out in the freezing cold, waiting for a bus that has been canceled, and not be notified about it. Just thinking about it is making me nervous. I plan on getting on an early bus so to avoid a cancellation, and the weather is supposed to be clear, no fricken snow. Just bloody cold. If I had money for a cab, I would take one but I don’t have it.

The psychosis seems to have abated. I don’t feel stressed out like I was. But the bus situation tomorrow isn’t helping to make me feel easy. And the appointments are close together. I should have taken the earlier appointment and then I could have possibly be home for my therapist. But I chose the later time because I am an idiot. I should have called back to see if I could change it but I didn’t want to be a dumbass. Besides, I hate calling my doc’s office because no matter what time I call, I am on hold for at least five minutes before someone picks up. And that is if I am lucky. I hate being on hold!

tired, tired, and still tired

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Tired, tired, and still tired

I woke up early this morning, in pain. It was the first time in a while that I woke up with my ankle hurting me. It was about 0700 so I just took some pain medicine, answered an email, and then went back to sleep. I slept till the unheard of 1300! I couldn’t believe that I slept that late! I almost never do, not without waking up several times. I had breakfast/lunch. Then my mother told me my sister was making dinner. I had a couple of hours to play on my laptop before it was ready.

I had a quarter glass of wine with dinner. Now I am sleepy again. It wasn’t the best wine I have had but it did its job. I have been really wanting a glass of my sister’s Mark West wine but a bottle wasn’t open. I really like this wine. Maybe I will have it on another day.

I did nothing today except play my game. Ankle is still acting up on me so I really don’t want to tax it. Plus, I have been up and down the stairs a lot today so I know I am going to be in pain later tonight. I have to get up early tomorrow to meet up with my father. I hope it isn’t going to be freezing cold. And the T runs like it is supposed to. We didn’t get too much snow last night, which was good. I think the storms are behind us but you never know.

I really am feeling dizzy from the wine and want to go back to sleep. But last night I did that and it wrecked havoc on my sleep. Even though I was able to sleep till 0700 before my pain shot up, I had about 6 hours of sleep. That is usually my normal. I guess my pain meds just added a few more hours when I went back to sleep. I would take another pain pill now but I am not sure that is a good idea with the wine I had. Maybe in an hour or so.

When I came into my sister’s apartment, my mother and her were talking about me. All I heard my sister say was “maybe she is in a depression”. They abruptly stopped their conversation when I got closer. I didn’t say anything. What was I supposed to say? If I did tell them I was depressed, they would ask why, like there is a reason for it. Sometimes there is, sometimes there isn’t.

Well, looks like the Twitter feed is going to be all about the Oscars tonight. I won’t have to worry about commanding tweets, least not for tonight. I won’t be watching as I don’t watch awards shows. Only award shows I will watch will be country music. But lately, I haven’t even been watching that. I had saved them when Taylor was winning and then when the awards became Miranda Lambert awards, I stopped watching. I would watch the performances but as for the awards, I would just fast forward them. I can’t stand Miranda. She is such a bitch. I’ve hated her since Blake Shelton married her. What he sees in her, I will never know. I don’t even find her attractive.

I am going to try and wrap one more book today. Then maybe read a little bit. I don’t know if it will be Jamison or the civil war book. I just hope I can stay awake long enough to just take my meds and then go to sleep. I am just so damn tired.