To therapy or not?
I spent most of the time while on the phone with my therapist today, trying to bring up therapy. What does it mean? Are we doing it “right”? Is she really helping me or am I just wasting my time? Then when I got home, I really thought about not having therapy anymore. I don’t see the point. I know that I am not in a too stable position to make a major decision like this. And I am not saying to stop therapy forever. But I think we have lost what “therapy” is. We talk for 50 minutes, usually I do most of the talking, but she has to talk sometimes, too. Sometimes it is helpful. Other times, or most times, I feel like she is regurgitating what I just said to her and putting it in her words. I feel lost. I have been reading about how psychotherapy is supposed to be helpful but I don’t find it helpful anymore. I feel like there is a war going on (inside me) that tries to stay the course, to please her, to have her hear my idiotic stories about my family.
She was on vacation last week and I had a couple of psychotic episodes. I was left to deal with it on my own. But then, I deal with everything on my own. I put myself on medicines that I think would be helpful. In the end, it is I who chooses to stop them because I no longer care. I don’t care if I kill myself. I don’t care who I hurt in the process. I just want to end my life and why is that so damn terrible?? People do it every day, every 15 minutes according to the statistics. I am just in a vulnerable state right now. My mind is playing tricks on me. The voices are either there or not there. I can’t fucking tell anymore. And when they are not there, I feel utterly alone and frightened. I don’t know why the voices have gone away. I haven’t taken that much medicine to make them go away. Something changed last night and I don’t know what it is. Maybe the mixed state fucked with the voices. I don’t know. I am too tired to listen for them. Usually they are loud when I am stressed. I have too much riding on my back. And I don’t think therapy is going to help me sort it all out. I am tired of dealing with me. And I think my therapist is too, she just won’t say it. I know I am a burden to her. I take up too much of her time.
I am supposed to take my abilify tonight, but I am not going to. I got to see if the voices come back. I need my reading voice to finish my books. Otherwise, they are just words on a page that has no meaning to me. Sure, I can “read” but it just won’t make any sense to me.
I am very tired, probably exhausted. I woke up early and did all the things that I needed to do today. The T gods were on my side. I had no troubles today. Only troubles that I have is in my heart and mind. I’d even take a commanding voice back if that meant I would be back in the psycho world. I feel really alone and I don’t like it. It’s lonely without my voices.
So I don’t think I should be in therapy, even though my therapist will argue for it. She is good at that. But what I need, she can’t give me. And I am very sad about that. I still wonder what my diagnosis is from her, not that it really matters. I often wonder if I still have borderline personality disorder or not. Or what personality disorder I do have. It’s been ages since psych 101 so I can’t even think what kinds of disorders are out there. But I don’t want to label myself. That is the worse thing you can do is to label yourself because that puts you in a box. And sometimes you are the round hole trying to put in a square peg that doesn’t fit.