Forgot how good country music is
I have been listening to the Country Countdown the last few hours with my favorite country artist, Hillary Scott. She is talking about her new album and her miscarriage that happened about a year ago. I feel so bad because it’s such a tragic thing to happen to women. I am glad that she was able to write a song about it to release the feelings associated with loss.
As I have been listening to the music, I have been feeling energized despite feeling tired. I want to buy the songs that I really like but thankfully I have no money in my account. I definitely going to get Blake Shelton’s new album and Sam Hunt’s song “You’re Gonna Miss Me”. I have to get Sam’s songs individually because there are some songs that I don’t like on his album. I am also contemplating getting Kelsea Ballerini’s Peter Pan. That song is really sweet. And I found another song that if I ever get married, the song by Dan and Shay is going to be it.
I was talking to one of my friends that has DID (dissociative identity disorder). We basically got caught up with our illnesses as it has been a while since we last talked. It was good talking to her again. I am glad she didn’t bring up that she wanted to have lunch. I really don’t want to meet up with her. She lives west of me and it’s kind of in the boonies of Massachusetts. I don’t think I can drive to where she is without getting lost so there is no point in meeting up.
I am glad the countdown will be over in about a half hour. I don’t think I can make it past midnight. My head is spinning though. I am feeling really hyper yet tired. It’s weird. I feel like I am sort of in a mixed state. I might have to take another trilafon to calm down.
I forgot where I was going with this. Not having a good time right now. Side effects and mixed states do not mix. But this song always reminds of the night I shook David Jobes’ hand after he read my Ten Faces poster at the 41st AAS annual conference. The video is a little dizzying as the slow mo can make you feel sick so if you suffer from motion sickness, I would not recommend watching it!
I hate feeling cooped up yet zonked at the same time. I want to sleep but my arms are spastic. And I am just annoyed. Annoyed at everyone in my family today. I got “yelled” at by practically every member of the family today and I do not like it. I did what I could with my father and his appointment but if he doesn’t open his mouth, who am I to put words in it? Then my mother thinks I am her cook. She wanted me to make pasta for her lentil soup but I felt drowsy so slept. She then calls me asking where I was after she got annoyed with her sister. Today was not a good day with family. I just want to go to sleep but I am too agitated by side effects. Even as I am typing this my hand is cramping and it is quite painful. Fucking abilify. I emailed my psychiatrist and told her what was going on. I told her about the delusions and how isolated I have become. Still no response from her. I will be shocked if I get one. I just am glad I have therapy tomorrow because I hate these mixed states more than I hate anything else. My patience is gone. My father called and blew up because he saw blood on his shirt where he had his biopsy today. He said he was “covered” but I don’t believe him. It was a tiny puncture wound. I doubt that it would bleed that much. He just called me again to say there was “blood all over the place”. Lord help me. I think I will have some gin tonight. Screw the meds. I already had my pain meds and an Ativan. My therapist will not be happy with me but fuck her. She doesn’t know what I dealt with today. And maybe I can get some decent sleep. I just want to sleep till 0800, is that too much to ask for??