Forgot how good country music is

Forgot how good country music is

I have been listening to the Country Countdown the last few hours with my favorite country artist, Hillary Scott. She is talking about her new album and her miscarriage that happened about a year ago. I feel so bad because it’s such a tragic thing to happen to women. I am glad that she was able to write a song about it to release the feelings associated with loss.

As I have been listening to the music, I have been feeling energized despite feeling tired. I want to buy the songs that I really like but thankfully I have no money in my account. I definitely going to get Blake Shelton’s new album and Sam Hunt’s song “You’re Gonna Miss Me”. I have to get Sam’s songs individually because there are some songs that I don’t like on his album. I am also contemplating getting Kelsea Ballerini’s Peter Pan. That song is really sweet. And I found another song that if I ever get married, the song by Dan and Shay is going to be it.

I was talking to one of my friends that has DID (dissociative identity disorder). We basically got caught up with our illnesses as it has been a while since we last talked. It was good talking to her again. I am glad she didn’t bring up that she wanted to have lunch. I really don’t want to meet up with her. She lives west of me and it’s kind of in the boonies of Massachusetts. I don’t think I can drive to where she is without getting lost so there is no point in meeting up.

I am glad the countdown will be over in about a half hour. I don’t think I can make it past midnight. My head is spinning though. I am feeling really hyper yet tired. It’s weird. I feel like I am sort of in a mixed state. I might have to take another trilafon to calm down.


why by Rascal Flatts

This song has been in my head since I found out my friend killed himself. I still can’t get over that someone that I know died by suicide. Since hearing that song, all I did was cry for his loss. I have been up since 0330 so I am a little emotional.

How Country Music Touches You

How Country Music Touches You

I have been listening to Pandora for most of the day. I have it on “Terri Clark” radio and I have been listening to all the “old” country that made me fall in love with country, not the rock/rap stuff they have today. A couple of songs in the morning really got to me. By the time my therapy appointment came around, I was very tearful. The songs they were playing was about relationships ending and I couldn’t feel like I was losing my therapist because of the current transportation issue. I was going to see my therapist today but my father interceded. Asshole had an urgent matter that had to be dealt with on his NOW terms. So my sister needed the car to take him where he needed to go. I was pissed that he didn’t call me, because what the hell do I take him to his medical appointments for?? He just is an ungrateful bastard.

So what would have been the last time I see my therapist turned into no trip out there after all. And the songs they were playing just had me thinking that maybe our relationship is over now. But then Faith Hill’s song, “You can’t lose me” came on. I cried harder and when I told my therapist, she said that is our song now. I was already bawling so cried some more. I swear I bawled the first 20 minutes or so of our session. I was just so weepy. I have been up since 0430 so already it has been a long day. I had coffee which gave me the ups but by 11, I calmed down and was just down. Then the songs played and I was weepy. And of course my therapist had to ask how I was doing. Doing awful. I told her the thoughts of suicide came into my head today, just out of the blue, like what if I killed myself. But the thoughts didn’t hang around. My mood just wasn’t “depressed enough”, I guess.

I don’t know what I am going to do about therapy. My therapist doesn’t know that I secretly want another therapist. I just don’t think she is good for me anymore and now that we are not going to be seeing each other face to face for a long time, I can’t help but wonder if the phone is really going to work. I so wanted to be in the same room with her just so she could possibly hold me while I was crying. Realizing that, just made me cry more. I have stuffed animals at her office, a 3 ft bear (Johnny) and two smaller bears (Bucky and Amelia). I miss seeing them, and obviously, my therapist. But finding a therapist, as I learned, is so difficult when you are chronically suicidal. It shouldn’t be like that, but sadly it is. I had called 10 therapists when she first moved to Framingham (the town she practices out of). I couldn’t find one to take me on. Then when I was in the hospital, they found me a center that I could go to. Well, the nitwit was downright scared of me. He was just so nervous. It didn’t work out and by session three, I said goodbye.

I am so drained. I could write about how it sucks not finding a therapist to expand their horizons and just take a chance but I am not in the damn mood. I am tired of trying to find someone that I can count on in the mental health field. Yet there is a therapist that piques my curiosity. Only trouble is, I love his tweets and if I become his patient, I lose him as my twitter buddy. His policy. And I like our relationship as it is right now, though he doesn’t know me from Adam. It’s just that I like his personality. And after reading his blogs, I think that he would be a good fit for me. But I don’t think I can ever cross that boundary. Besides, I am so terrified that he will find an excuse not to see me it prevents me from pursuing the matter. And all the while I was thinking this, I felt like I was cheating on my therapist.

I am at the stage where right now, I really can’t leave my therapist. We are in the middle of important work with dealing with my ex and all she put me through. We didn’t talk about it today. I was too emotional to get into it and she respected my space. Plus, I felt like I was crying over the grief of that relationship, which I never did before. I usually just drank her away, or tried to.

When I was in the kitchen, eating a brownie, I noticed my ankle and foot were swollen again. Pissed me off. My toes looked like Vienna sausages. So I just kept them up. Now they are hurting me. I hate being in pain every single day. Today I looked at a couple of doctors that specialized in the ankle. I couldn’t find a one that wasn’t a surgeon. And a surgeon just won’t deal with you if they can’t cut you. So I am back to square one. I am so frustrated having to find a therapist that is within a 5 mile radius of my house and a foot/ankle doctor that is the same. Why is it so hard when I live in the academic capital of the world??

band perry

There is a band called The Band Perry. The lead singer writes songs that have to do with death. Although the songs have been number one hits, I cannot help but think that this person is trying to express herself in ways like Kurt Cobain did in his songs. After Mindy McCready’s death, shouldn’t someone at least check in with this person about her mental health. I would hate for this talented artist commit suicide because no one catches it. Their latest hit is called “Done”….HEELLLOOOOO