Crying and it’s not over spilled milk

I’ve been in severe pain since about 2000. My foot was exploding shortly after 1800. Things just got worse from there. Pain is all over ankle and foot but only half, the outer half. I laid down and then pokers started impaling my foot. I’ve been crying with each burst of intense pain. There is no more meds I can take. Well, I could take gaba. Except I’d have to get up as my bottle is empty. Took the last few pills last night. Fuck. No way I am standing up. Any movement causes more pain.

I read a fun article tonight (being sarcastic). It was about how pain patients can die sudden, unexpected death. It is thought to be a cardiac event in most cases but there is no gross pathology and most coroners state death is accidental overdose, which blames the physician. The author states some good stuff on how docs can protect themselves. I hope I die that way. Unfortunately, my phone nor Kindle can upload the file. Otherwise I’d post it. It is on my Twitter account if you use Twitter.

Pain is just out of control tonight. I was having a low pain day until migraine hit. Then everything went south. I can’t believe how tearful I am. The tears just come out and I don’t hold them back. I hurt too much to stuff them. 

On a good note, I tweeted about buying Cam’s song burning house and she responded to it!! Omg. Made my day. I locked the tweet so it wouldn’t get deleted. Now I love her more. I almost cried about that. Fuck I’m so emotional. 

The L pattern pain is happening now. Bones are hurting. Nerves are on fire. Glob is just horrible. Other than writing, I have no other distraction. Music wouldn’t be good because it would just wake me up and make me think. Just want to die. I sent my psychiatrist the pain article. I hope she reads it. I’m going to ask my PCP to check my cortisol level. It will be important to know. If it is low, I might already be stressed from pain. I was having some palpitations earlier. Now my shin muscles are cramping because the flare is so intense. Fucking hate CRPS. 

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I came home from the funeral reception a little while ago and decided to play some music. Pearl Jam’s song “Immortality” was the first song played so thought it would be a perfect title.

I didn’t think I was going to get through the funeral mass. My nieces said some scriptures and both broke down. It was heart breaking to see them cry. I feel really bad I am still in a state of shock and feel no emotion. I didn’t cry except when I found out my aunt was sick and thought she wasn’t going to be ok.

It was okay at the reception. I didn’t eat too much because I didn’t want to get sick. Lately I have been eating more than I have the past few weeks and my stomach has been hurting me afterwards. We have been having chicken ziti and broccoli all week. I don’t mind because I love the dish. My sister has been having edible arrangements delivered all week. We have a lot of fruit to eat.

I really haven’t cried for my father’s loss all week. I have moments of sadness but mostly I feel relieved. I really dislike my aunt (mother’s sister) who has been coming over with her loud mouth talking about anything and everything. It’s pissing me off because I just want things to be quiet and she just yells to get her point across. She was telling me that my cousin on my father’s side paid her a compliment about my grandmother and she cried. I wasn’t phased. She can cry at the mention of her mother’s name or grave site or anything for that matter. The thing that pisses me off the most is that she didn’t care for my father at all, not one fucking bit yet she is playing sympathy to him. She is something else and it bothers me so much. I really want to kick her out but she is at my sister’s place so I have no right to kick her out. So I leave to be alone and away from her.

I called the stupid oxygen people and said I wanted a fix time that they would be by because it’s hard to be at my father’s apartment waiting for them to come. They said they will be over between 1100 and 1300. My sister will be at his apartment to do some cleaning up. I am not sure I will be over. I got a call from a florist saying that there will be a delivery for me tomorrow and it’s perishable so I need to be home. My mother is deaf and won’t hear the doorbell. I have been going all week without a chance to breathe. It’s been go, go, go all week. I finally had a chance to email my friend to let him know my father died.

I am exhausted. I went to bed last night around midnight only to wake up at 0200. I couldn’t go back to sleep till almost 0400. We had to leave early this morning for the church and our final goodbyes at the funeral home. I snapped a pic of my father in the casket because that is how I want to remember him, not the way I last saw him before they collected his body. I made coffee this morning and had an Ensure for breakfast. I wasn’t up for eating anything. I had a small dish of pasta at the reception and some cheese when I came home. I am not hungry. I am sleepy, however.

Last night, I was talking with one of my cousins that I am really close to. Some how the whole transgender thing came up and I said don’t worry, I have had to play “daughter” all month and use my real name as well. It bothered me but I got a couple of sir calls last night with the funeral home men so that made me feel good. And there was an older gentleman that called me sir as well. I guess that is why I don’t feel like crying. I’m too stoic and I feel like I have to be the strong one while my sisters lose their emotions. I do feel inhibited for some reason. Like if something doesn’t go my way, I will blow up. Which is probably why I left my sister’s apartment before I blew up at my aunt and her ex son in law. I really don’t know why the fuck he was there.

Post 1727

Post 1727

Just came from the wake. It was the hardest thing I ever had to witness. Everyone was crying except me. There were a lot of people that came, including my dear high school friend, people from work, my “hubby” and his girlfriend, and my best friend from childhood. A few people from my father’s work came to pay their respects. That was really nice of them to come. My sister recognized one of the men that came because we had a picture of him.

Stupid me, I didn’t pack any pain pills so my leg acted up not even an hour into the funeral home. Thanks CES you really made my day. I crapped my pants this morning because I had loose stool and continued to go until I took Imodium. And I was also stupid because I took a senna tonight. Fuck. I am going to be out most of the day and I don’t know how my bowels are going to be. UGH.

My cousins were there and they were awesome. Not so much my crazy ass aunt that loves funerals and shit. I really should have told her not to show up. I did not want her there at all. One of my sister’s friends from work came and was like sorry for your loss because she was at the head of the line. Bitch should not have been there. I was so mad.

My father did not look so emaciated in the casket, though I was still waiting for him to jump out and yell surprise! I felt like taking a picture of him and I think I will tomorrow. I want to remember him that way than the last time I saw him when I found him dead.

My nephew said some nice words about my father. It was tough for him to say but he got through it. I know my sister is going to have a hard time saying the eulogy. I think tomorrow is going to be harder than today. I just know I will be relieved when all is said and done.

I meant to call the oxygen people and give them a piece of my mind. I might do that tomorrow after the funeral reception because it is ridiculous that they still have not picked up their equipment. I want to know the exact time they will be coming by so I can be there rather than waiting all damn day for them.

All in all, I am doing ok. I still feel pretty numb and sad but I am not tearful. I was able to reserve a car so I can see my therapist again next week. My sister wanted to go to Foxwoods but I really don’t want to go. I have no extra money to gamble. I am still debating on buying groceries for the month. Though I am still not eating half of what I should be. Today I had some chicken ziti and broccoli and a pastrami sub. I felt like having pastrami again so I got it. Don’t know why I am addicted to eating this particular sub but I am.

My foot is killing me as well as my leg. I hope I sleep tonight or tomorrow is going to be more difficult than it should be.