Solemn Day

Solemn day

My father passed away peacefully around 1545 today. We brought him home from the nursing home and he died within two hours of being there. My sisters and I were having lunch in the kitchen area when he passed. It’s been a difficult day. When he died, I felt nothing. I was looking at him when he died and was in shock. I think I still am because I haven’t cried or felt tearful. The hospice nurse was excellent. I just felt bad for the social worker that came to see us but my father passed before she got to his house.

Now the hard part is writing an obituary for the guy. My sisters and I were cracking up making jokes about how he was. I guess it was better than crying. I couldn’t stop laughing. Every time things got serious, I would say something sarcastic to get us going again.

I have no idea what we are going to do with his stuff. We can donate his clothing but stuff like his kitchen utensils and table, bedding, etc. what do you do? Tomorrow I have to go over my father’s so that the oxygen people can collect their stuff. It’s going to be weird being at his house without him there. We have 30 days to move all the stuff out.

My leg was no better today. I was walking with my cane most of the day. I also been taking my pain meds every few hours. Last night it took eight different pills to settle my pain. It was rough and then I woke up with it again this morning. I want to chop my leg off. I don’t know why the pain is so damn bad. The weather has been fair so I don’t understand it.

I feel relieved that my father is gone. I no longer feel sad, least for right now anyway. My psychiatrist asked how I was and I couldn’t think of anything to say for like two hours. I don’t know if I am going to be okay or not. I am worried about my sisters. The next few days are going to be rough. I don’t know when the arrangements are going to be yet. I guess there is a special way they prepare the body for cremation so we have to wait two days before we can have the wake and funeral mass.

I keep on having anxiety so I just asked my psych if I can take 2 mg of Ativan for tonight. I almost had a panic attack when I found out my father died. I have been on edge all day. I hope she says it is okay.

Quote of the Day 24 Oct 2015

The great social debate -really about subintentional deaths– is over the role of the larger society in contributing to poverty, social degradation, and hopelessness–conditions that are clearly about behaviors that bring death to far too many before they need have died. –Edwin Shneidman

Quote of the Day 13 Oct 15

There is no single best kind of death. A good death is one that is “appropriate” for that person. It is a death in which the hand of the way of dying slips easily into the glove of the act itself. It is in character, ego-syntonic. It, the death, fits the person. It is a death that one might choose if it were realistically possible for one to choose one’s own death.

EDWIN SHNEIDMAN, A Commonsense Book of Death

Sad day

Today has been a bad day. I found out one of my former coworkers lost her father this morning. Then one of my favorite baseball players got traded to San Diego, which probably means my favorite catcher is not going to be signed with the Sox this offseason. It’s just been a depressing day. Since finding out about my friend’s father passing, I just have been crying. It just sucks that my friend now has to deal with a wake and funeral for her beloved father instead of celebrating Christmas. It is just rotten and I feel so bad for her. Her father was a dad, true and true.

I woke up again in pain. Been able to sleep for a little bit before my damn app went off telling me to take my day meds. I could barely get out of bed to take them. My sister wanted me to pick up my niece but there is no way I can walk that far as I am in a lot of pain. Just going down the stairs is painful. I don’t know what to do anymore as all traditional methods of treating this pain have failed me. I have rested, taken anti-inflammatories, stretched to the best of my ability and nothing seems to help. My pain medication does relieve some pain but not enough for me to do anything. And having a cough is not helping me. Last night I had a coughing fit and I think it didn’t do me any favors, which is probably why I am hurting really bad today.

I just checked my Starbucks account. I have two free drinks, one for my birthday and one that I earned. That makes me happy, a little bit, because now I can go to Starbucks and get out of the house. Other than doctors appointments this week, I have not left the house for anything. And tomorrow I need to go to my father’s house to prepare is medication for him. It’s the only way to know that he is taking all of his pills. We found out yesterday that he lost more weight. When he first was diagnosed with his liver problem he was a 150 lbs. Now he is 124 lbs. He says that he is eating, but I don’t really think that he is. I think he has been drinking his ensure instead of eating a meal. My sister thinks so, too. We are not with him 24/7 and he can still make himself a meal. Trouble is, if he isn’t hungry, he just doesn’t eat, at all. We have tried to get him to eat three meals but that is impossible. He doesn’t have breakfast and will have a little lunch. Then gets bloated for his dinner, whatever that maybe. We see the containers of food in his fridge as he saves his meals. I don’t know what we are going to do with him. Just another hassle with the old guy.

My therapist is off today. She has been having Fridays off since the birth of her daughter. Sometimes I wish she was in the office as it is hard, sometimes, to wait till Tuesday. I will be able to get my sister’s car that day so I can see her for our appointment. It will be the first time seeing her in months! I am really looking forward to it. I just hope all the poking and prodding from my doc and PT on Monday doesn’t cause a flare up in my ankle. That will suck so bad! And I really don’t want my back to be caput on my birthday. So this pain better be gone by then!

I need to take a shower and brush my teeth some time today. I have been really bad in doing those things. I am surprised my teeth haven’t fallen out. I really should have better hygiene habits but its so hard with the depression and back pain. I can only stand for so long before I am in horrendous pain. This just sucks.