Solemn Day

Solemn day

My father passed away peacefully around 1545 today. We brought him home from the nursing home and he died within two hours of being there. My sisters and I were having lunch in the kitchen area when he passed. It’s been a difficult day. When he died, I felt nothing. I was looking at him when he died and was in shock. I think I still am because I haven’t cried or felt tearful. The hospice nurse was excellent. I just felt bad for the social worker that came to see us but my father passed before she got to his house.

Now the hard part is writing an obituary for the guy. My sisters and I were cracking up making jokes about how he was. I guess it was better than crying. I couldn’t stop laughing. Every time things got serious, I would say something sarcastic to get us going again.

I have no idea what we are going to do with his stuff. We can donate his clothing but stuff like his kitchen utensils and table, bedding, etc. what do you do? Tomorrow I have to go over my father’s so that the oxygen people can collect their stuff. It’s going to be weird being at his house without him there. We have 30 days to move all the stuff out.

My leg was no better today. I was walking with my cane most of the day. I also been taking my pain meds every few hours. Last night it took eight different pills to settle my pain. It was rough and then I woke up with it again this morning. I want to chop my leg off. I don’t know why the pain is so damn bad. The weather has been fair so I don’t understand it.

I feel relieved that my father is gone. I no longer feel sad, least for right now anyway. My psychiatrist asked how I was and I couldn’t think of anything to say for like two hours. I don’t know if I am going to be okay or not. I am worried about my sisters. The next few days are going to be rough. I don’t know when the arrangements are going to be yet. I guess there is a special way they prepare the body for cremation so we have to wait two days before we can have the wake and funeral mass.

I keep on having anxiety so I just asked my psych if I can take 2 mg of Ativan for tonight. I almost had a panic attack when I found out my father died. I have been on edge all day. I hope she says it is okay.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to Solemn Day

  1. I just checked my email and saw your update. I’m so sorry to hear about your your fathers passing. Even when expected you’re never fully prepared to face it. Please take care of yourself and in doing that, your sisters too. Be there for each other. Praying for peace ahead.

  2. I’m so sorry to hear about your father. May peace be with you in this difficult time.

  3. Maribelle says:

    I am so sorry to hear about your father. Peace and love.

  4. 'Legato.' says:

    welp, there’s nothing wrong per-se with not feeling anything upon the death of a family member, ‘specially if they can be a pain in the ass sometimes. we all gotta die, anyway.

    Wishing you good days…

  5. manyofus1980 says:

    Its not surprising you dont feel anything. You had a lot of feelings leading up to his death. Thinking ofyou and hoping things are somewhat ok for you. Your doing great despite everything. XX

  6. Wow, I just got back on the internet after a week and am catching up…looks like he wanted to die at home, right? I still have to read your other posts, which will answer this question probably, but how are you doing?

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