Post 1727

Post 1727

Just came from the wake. It was the hardest thing I ever had to witness. Everyone was crying except me. There were a lot of people that came, including my dear high school friend, people from work, my “hubby” and his girlfriend, and my best friend from childhood. A few people from my father’s work came to pay their respects. That was really nice of them to come. My sister recognized one of the men that came because we had a picture of him.

Stupid me, I didn’t pack any pain pills so my leg acted up not even an hour into the funeral home. Thanks CES you really made my day. I crapped my pants this morning because I had loose stool and continued to go until I took Imodium. And I was also stupid because I took a senna tonight. Fuck. I am going to be out most of the day and I don’t know how my bowels are going to be. UGH.

My cousins were there and they were awesome. Not so much my crazy ass aunt that loves funerals and shit. I really should have told her not to show up. I did not want her there at all. One of my sister’s friends from work came and was like sorry for your loss because she was at the head of the line. Bitch should not have been there. I was so mad.

My father did not look so emaciated in the casket, though I was still waiting for him to jump out and yell surprise! I felt like taking a picture of him and I think I will tomorrow. I want to remember him that way than the last time I saw him when I found him dead.

My nephew said some nice words about my father. It was tough for him to say but he got through it. I know my sister is going to have a hard time saying the eulogy. I think tomorrow is going to be harder than today. I just know I will be relieved when all is said and done.

I meant to call the oxygen people and give them a piece of my mind. I might do that tomorrow after the funeral reception because it is ridiculous that they still have not picked up their equipment. I want to know the exact time they will be coming by so I can be there rather than waiting all damn day for them.

All in all, I am doing ok. I still feel pretty numb and sad but I am not tearful. I was able to reserve a car so I can see my therapist again next week. My sister wanted to go to Foxwoods but I really don’t want to go. I have no extra money to gamble. I am still debating on buying groceries for the month. Though I am still not eating half of what I should be. Today I had some chicken ziti and broccoli and a pastrami sub. I felt like having pastrami again so I got it. Don’t know why I am addicted to eating this particular sub but I am.

My foot is killing me as well as my leg. I hope I sleep tonight or tomorrow is going to be more difficult than it should be.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Post 1727

  1. manyofus1980 says:

    i’m glad all went off ok and you managed to get through it. heres hoping you sleep tonight and tomorrows better. sending hugs of support. XX

  2. Wow, I forgot you have the wake on one day and the funeral the next. The last wake I went to was Irish and for some reason I remember the whole thing, even though I was as drunk as everyone else. The person who died was my then-boyfriend’s father, who was like another father to me, and the whole time I kept expecting him to come out of his bedroom and tell us to knock it off because he was trying to hear the goddam game. He used to listen to one game on the t.v. and a second one on the radio, and could tell you everything about each one at any point in time but then cuss you out for making him miss plays while he was cussing you out!

    Glad your father looks good in his casket. My dad looked like hell when he died. Really not like himself at all. I took pictures of the whole thing, his last few months and a few hours before he died, so I could look at them whenever I got the feeling it really wasn’t true, that he’s just around the corner or something. But we had a very different relationship. We were best buddies.

    At least I knew he was dying, I mean I was with him, knowing he was going to die within a few hours. I’m sorry you had the unpleasant surprise of having your father die on you just when you brought him home, had oxygen set up, etc, unexpectedly, at least not right then.

    It has been my observation, personally and professionally, that people die the way they lived. What do you think?

    Sending strength and hugs for tomorrow (tonight too, not just tomorrow, but you know what I mean), and please put some pain pills in the pocket of whatever you’re going to wear tomorrow!!!

    Love ya xxx

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