Wasted day but not really

Wasted day but not really

I had gone to my father’s for nothing. The stupid oxygen people called me at 11 saying they would not be able to make it and had to reschedule. Fucking waste of my time as I sat in my dead father’s apartment for the second day in a row. I was able to rent a zipcar to go to therapy today. Some how between my father’s and home, I crapped my pants. This makes no sense as I didn’t have loose stool today or I wouldn’t have gone out. Stupid CES.

In therapy, we just talked about my father and how he died. I still feel guilty as I feel there should have been more I could have done for him. She told me there was nothing more I could have done. It helped a little coming from her. She asked how my grief was and I told her it was still in the shock/numb stage. There are moments where I will feel sad. I was riding on the bus today and was overcome with sadness. I thought I was going to cry. I didn’t but it was very difficult going to his house.

I have been up since 0500. When I woke up, I didn’t want anything to do with the wake or funeral. I really don’t want to go. I know I have to or I will feel guilty for the rest of my life. Found out my Godmother, who is my father’s sister, was taken to the hospital. She is doing better now. I hope she can make it to the wake but I will understand if she can’t. She is 91 and has Parkinson’s disease. She didn’t react well to losing her brother. I am really worried about her.

My cousin made us homemade mac and cheese. I was very hungry after not eating all day because I was sick this morning with a migraine. Now I feel sick after all the food I ingested. I have such a sour stomach it’s not funny. I ate it cold because I really don’t like reheated mac and cheese. I hope it stays in my stomach. I am not looking forward to taking my meds later tonight. If my stomach is still bothering me, I’ll just take the important pill and leave the rest.

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