Tag: depression

Saturday Blog 17

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression

I didn’t do anything today, which was the plan. I just wanted a day of doing nothing but relaxing. I should have shut my phone off but I didn’t. My father called asking when I will be over his house. I told him I wasn’t feeling good and that I wasn’t. He got into a tizzy. Oh well. I don’t care. I dealt with him nearly every day this week. I need to get away from him.

I did read some and slept some. I really didn’t even play my game that much. I just planted some crops and that was it. I didn’t request items and such like I usually do. I just am not into playing the game today. I feel burned out by it.

I just had my manwich and fries that my mother made. It was the only thing that I really had all day, other than the cereal I had for breakfast. I really haven’t been all that hungry the last few days. Another sign that I am depressed. I am not that worried because it’s not like I am underweight. I woke up with heartburn so I think that is why I really didn’t want to eat today. My mother went shopping and bought my favorite kind of donuts. I am trying to be good but I don’t think those donuts are going to last too long.

I wanted to make coffee today but didn’t. I just decided to sleep. Even now I am kind of tired but I think that is because of the pain meds that I had to take. My ankle flared up sometime after getting my mother’s groceries and making I don’t know how many trips up and down the stairs. She didn’t have that much stuff. She bought vegetables and meats. I don’t really like buying that stuff online because you never know what you are going to get. The last time I bought some raspberries, they weren’t too good. I decided not to buy them after that experience.

I finally took a shower this morning when I got up. I felt a little better afterwards. My ankle didn’t like it much but oh well. It’s not like I had anything to do today anyways so I can take my pain meds liberally. I feel so tired lately, like I am being weighed down. I know that is another sign of the depression. I was writing in my journal last night that I think I am in denial that I am depressed. I don’t know why I am in denial. Maybe I feel like if I don’t acknowledge it, it will go away.

I have to go to the pharmacy tomorrow to pick up my prescription for my migraine pills. That is the only place I am going to go. I am not going to my father’s. My sister is going so she can take care of his needs. I really don’t want to tax my ankle anymore. Being in pain is not fun. And I hate having to take my pain medication all the time. Yesterday I took four pills. Today I have already taken three. I think I am going to have to take some more by the end of the night. I hate having to take them because I hate being constipated. If I don’t take senna every day, I am screwed.

fatigue day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression

I finally mailed out my books for my review today. I really wanted to go to Starbucks today but for some reason, I was really tired. I remember reading a fellow blogger’s blog about Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. She wrote that she could walk up a flight of stairs and be totally winded. That was me today. I had walked only a few houses down the street when I realized I left one of the books at home. So I went back to the house. I was already feeling fatigued before leaving the house. I really didn’t want to go out today but I forced myself to. So I came home and walked up two flights of stairs to my room. I was so out of breath by the time I reached the top that I had to sit for a few minutes to catch my breath. And I was panting very heavily. I climb these stairs every day and I don’t know why I was so winded today. It was really odd. I then proceeded down the stairs, going carefully as not to knock the breath out of me again. I walked the block and half to the post office and I was just completely weak at this point. I was standing, being waited on by the postal person, and my legs started shaking. I felt like I couldn’t support myself. It was really bizarre as this has never happened before. And like the blogger, I know that if I go to the docs, they are just going to say that I am out of shape. I am more than overweight, borderline morbid obese so that is what they will say. Lose weight and I won’t have a problem. But just now, I climbed the stairs and had no difficulty. I am not terribly out of breath like I was earlier this afternoon. It is so weird how sometimes I am and other times I am not.

Other than this experience, my day went fairly well. Though I seriously have to start writing again if I want to do a second book. I formatted what I had and it came to 30 pages. Not enough to really even have a book. Thing is, I don’t know what to fucking write. I am not that creative like I was. Just writing the story of the brick wall was torture just to get it to three pages. And then I combined three blogs about my antipsychotic pill to make a few pages. That is all I got. I know there is more in me, I just can’t find it. I am so depressed lately and out of sorts that I just can’t concentrate. I need to be at Starbucks and being around people again. To take me out of my house where I can’t think and all I want to do is sleep.

My mother gave me a look when the groceries were delivered. She thinks she doesn’t buy “food”. She does, but I desperately needed my stuff that she doesn’t buy, like my teas, lemonade, steak, etc. She also doesn’t buy bottled water, which I like. I will drink tap only if I have to, but usually I will mix it with the lemonade or iced tea mix. I am kind of bummed that they were out of stock on hamburger rolls. Now I will have to wait to make my Manwich. I usually make it then eat it over a couple of days. I am the only one that likes it.

My voices are back, full time again. It is weird because I took the abilify last night and you would think they wouldn’t come back, but they did. I still don’t feel like myself, though. It’s hard to explain. I got a buzzing going on in my head and I don’t know if that is good or not. I know that things are slower, my thoughts are slower. I am moving my normal speed and stuff, but I feel retarded. Like when I was walking to the post office today. Every step felt like I was walking in mud. And my breathing reflected the labor. My back acted up while I was putting the groceries away. I couldn’t stand and walk too long. It really sucked. And I was walking at a deliberate pace from the stairwell to the kitchen. Not a far walk but it still cramped up my back. I have been trying to stay hydrated the past few days to see if that helped with my cramping and it hasn’t. I don’t know why I am getting mid-back spasms. I am not doing anything strenuous.

I need to shower sometime before I go to bed tonight. I am sweaty from my labors today and I leaked. Always fun to smell urine and then realize it is you and not someone else. I don’t understand how I can be leaking when I really haven’t been peeing that much. It drives me crazy. Thanks CES for messing up my life!

When did I become an adult?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression

Plans foiled

I had planned on working on my book today. That was the plan anyways. And harass people on Twitter. But my sister called me in a panic about my father who she said “was bleeding and had blood all over the place” from his fricken biopsy. No fucking way that sucker can still be bleeding unless he keeps picking at it and he can’t reach it so I don’t know what the damn problem is. I hurried over there to find him sitting calmly, watching TV. No blood stains anywhere. I looked at his back and he had, no kidding, like 6 band aids on the wound. So MY work was derailed for the day. I am going to try and get the rest of the wrapping done later tonight. I need to relax my ankle because I stood for at least a half hour for the bus and walking home. I was and am still pissed. I filled his medication box while I was there so I wouldn’t have to go on Saturday.

I went to Walgreens to pick up some stuff. I am out of ibuprofen and mouthwash. Damn, and I forgot to get Excedrin migraine. That stuff works really well when I have a bad headache that usually turns into one. I will get it tomorrow. The good news is that I was able to get my pain meds refilled a day early. I am happy about this so now I can relax on Saturday.

Voices came back. I am happy about this, though I am experiencing other symptoms. I have remnants of conversations, music, and other noise in my head. I find that playing music helps keep my head clear. I don’t feel like myself still. Things are pretty jumbled and I don’t like it. I am waiting for my therapist to call me. She doesn’t have any times available today. It would have been good to talk to her about this. It’s so discombobulating.

I woke up late this morning, which is good. I must have slept a good solid six straight hours. First time that has happened in a long while. I feel cold so I am getting sleepy again, but I am not going to lie down and nap. I am trying to break the cycle. I had coffee this morning. I was kind of planning on still going to Starbucks as I needed to go to Walgreens anyways. But all those plans went out the window when the “emergency” with my father took place.

I have about $20 left for the month after everything was paid for yesterday. $10 will be going towards a prescription for tomorrow, so really I just have ten bucks to my name. Happens every month. But at least I will have food and be stocked on my essentials. I realized, I spent over $100 on food and NONE of it is junk food. No soda, chips, or cookies. When did I become an adult??

Musings and Voices

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression

My therapist read my blog that I wrote last night. She said it was “brilliant” and conveyed a lot of information. She asked why was I thinking about this stuff now and I told her I have been reading a lot about therapy and stuff and wondered if it was still the right course to be on. She used the analogy of being on a boat and we both have been swinging the oars. I told her lately, I just feel like we are going around in circles. That is when she told me to pick up an oar. Knucklehead.

We are going to try and work in a few goals in the upcoming weeks so that I am not so isolated. We also talked about the voices and she has no clue why they have disappeared on me. They seem to come out when I am really tired and want to go to sleep. My day voices are no longer there, though one was briefly. I am hearing music in my head so I am hoping that is a good sign the voices are coming back. My reading “voice” is back so I can read without difficulty.

It is so weird not hearing the constant bickering of the voices all the time. My therapist also asked what will this be like if they don’t come back. I have been listening to these voices for over thirty years. I don’t want to think what my life will be like without them. I can’t. It will be suicidal to think that. I know they will show up again. I just may have to be off my meds for a little bit. I need to be my version of sane again. I just don’t feel like myself, at all.

It’s been hard trying to write the past few days. My thoughts seem slower to me. I also have no energy and feel tired all the time. I know part of it is being in chronic pain and suffering from depression. But I was able to get out yesterday so I am taking today as a rest day. I had some Chinese food that I have been craving. Unfortunately, it just made me bloated and sick to my stomach. I think I am also fighting a migraine as my head keeps pounding. I thought I took care of it this morning when I took a couple of ibuprofen. But I think the Chinese food just made matters worse. Soon as I can move without being nauseated, I will take my migraine pill. I just hope I have one left. I used up my last pill in the pack and I don’t know if I have another pack. I don’t get migraines that often so I don’t keep track of the pill count. I just called in a refill to my docs so it should be ready tomorrow, I hope. I really want to go to Starbucks tomorrow, if the weather cooperates.

I didn’t sleep well last night, which is another reason I am so tired today. It felt like I was up every hour, which I probably was. I finally gave up around 0700. I paid my bills for the month and ordered my groceries. I added a couple things. This is the first time in a LONG time that I have ordered over $100. But I haven’t gone grocery shopping in months so this replenishes what I desperately need. Only thing that sucks is that I won’t have my delivery until Friday. They had absolutely no slots open for today or tomorrow. I got $1 off my order for picking a time that was convenient. I would have picked the $2 off time but it was 7-10 at night and I wasn’t going to stay up that late for a grocery order. I love shopping online. No lines, no waiting, no standing around. Just click, click, click and you are done.

I still have two more books to wrap for my reviewers. It’s killing me when I have no motivation as well as no energy. But I have until Saturday when my royalties come in to send out the books. That is if I get up early to do it. I then will have to see my father to do his pills again.