Tag: depression

writing and dying

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, psychache

I typed up a few pages of the short story I am working on. It’s basically an autobiographical story of my struggle with psychosis. I still have two pages to type but can’t find the motivation to do it. I keep staring at the notepad but nothing is coming. I am just staring at the words, wondering if they are the right ones and am doubting myself.

My therapist had some suggestions on trying to get me back to better sleep health. Unfortunately, I didn’t do it today. I wasn’t tired come three o’clock but got really zonked around five. I still am fighting the urge to just go under the covers and take a rest. Only problem with that is that I will be seriously disrupting my sleep cycle, again.

I told her I am having trouble taking my meds. I don’t want to take them because I don’t think they are effective anymore. I am just so depressed, I just can’t see the point. I also told her I really want to be writing my suicide notes and letters. She almost started flipping out. I never heard her so restrained before. We were actually “talking” about this stuff rather than dusting it under the rug, like it didn’t exist. I really liked talking about this stuff. It gave me some perspective about the pros and cons of actually doing it. We didn’t discuss that, but I was thinking about it as I talked about the need to write. I told her I had written a goodbye letter to Jobes. It was basically saying yes your work helped me but it didn’t save me. I never sent the email/letter. I told her that I can’t be saved. It is my destiny to kill myself, I am very convinced of this. I don’t know why, maybe it’s because I think about it so much that I don’t think I have any kind of future or anything. The weird part, is that I don’t feel hopeless. She did the cubic model of suicide on me. I was kind of shocked that she remembered. I am no where near suicidal range at this time. I am not actively planning my death, nor have I picked a date. I just want to self-combust so I won’t have to. But I don’t think that is likely.

I just feel really depressed. My therapist also read my blog that I wrote last night. She said that it was very coherent and eloquent. It is funny because it took me several times to get back to writing it. I would start writing and then find the need to check Twitter or Facebook. It took me almost an hour to write. And I was mostly writing how fucking sucky I was feeling, which was hard because I really couldn’t put to words what I was feeling. It was a very difficult blog to write.

Foot/ankle are behaving for now. Last night I was in misery. It literally felt like a battle between the two as to which part was going to hurt more and then my big toe settled it by buzzing up a storm. I hate when my toe buzzes. It is so unsettling. I don’t remember if I took pain meds or not. I really wanted to OD on Neurontin. It was that bad. But I didn’t take any because after an hour, my toe settled down. Foot and ankle were still at it but not in the same intensity. I have been using my pain meds sparingly. I don’t know why this is. I guess I want to feel something and my ankle/foot is giving me something to feel other than depression. Maybe it is a form of self-punishment, I don’t know. I do know that the pain is tolerable to my warped mind. It gives me something to focus on rather than my stupid, stinking depression. I spoke too soon. Just moved my ankle and it has exploded. Just like that it can become a 10, easy. Now I am really going to get sleepy with my pain meds on board. I don’t think I am going to make it to eight. I guess I will be taking my night meds early and calling it a night.

My father called saying that his meds are almost out. I told him I will come over sometime tomorrow. I don’t mind because it gets me out of the house. I rather do it tomorrow than Saturday. I like to have the weekend to do nothing. I am trying to go out during the week, like I did today, so that I can rest on the weekend. I don’t know how likely that is going to happen, but we’ll see.

Psychache Returns

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, psychache

I wanted to go out today but it didn’t happen. I didn’t sleep good last night and I was really tired. Plus a friend was coming over the house and I wanted to clean up a little bit. Another reason I didn’t want to go out is that my damn bowels were unpredictable today. I kept on getting cramps but nothing would happen. Nothing, not even a fart. And the cramps were bad. Pissed me off that I was held hostage in the house because of this. I couldn’t risk going out and have my bowels act up on me. I wouldn’t be able to hold it due to my nerve injury.

I had therapy today. My therapist wants me to write when I feel the “fuck its” come on and/or use the crisis response plan. I don’t know why she wants me to use the response plan. I am not in crisis when the fuck its hit. I just don’t want to do anything. I want to stop taking my meds. And just hide from the world and think about death. I really wanted to die last night. I don’t know why as I was having a relatively good day. But sometime after 1800, my mood went from being okay to being suicidal, just like that. I was listening to Taylor Swift so it wasn’t her music that was causing me to be depressed. Her music does the opposite. It was like the bottom fell out and I was back in the black hole of depression. It was so bad, I was paralyzed with my thoughts. I couldn’t even call out on Twitter or any social media platform. All I could say was that I was a shitty writer and that even though I sold three books the first of the month, I couldn’t feel any joy. Then I tried to think how many books I have sold and couldn’t remember how to run a report to figure it out. When I finally did, it turns out I am well below my goal of 100 books. I will need to sell 50 books between now and April 10th. I don’t think that is likely. I have decided to keep an excel file from now on.

I am back in the abyss of depression. I don’t want to do a damn thing. I have no motivation to finish typing my story. I keep looking at my bag that has the notebook in it. But I have yet to get up and get it, even though it is only a few feet away. I just keep procrastinating. I am glad I don’t have a deadline or anything. I would so be in trouble if I did. The pain in my chest is back, but it’s not the same kind that I felt the other day. This pain is constant and is psychache. It is making everything difficult. I can barely breathe at times. It just takes the wind right out of me. It drains me of energy. It makes me think of death and self-destruction. Lately, I have been wanting to write suicide notes and letters. I haven’t done it because I fear that if I do, I will end up killing myself. I still have to have someone I trust take care of my social media accounts, mostly just Facebook and Twitter. I don’t care about Google+, Linkin, or the others I have signed up for.

My thoughts are once again dark. I thought I was getting better. I don’t understand what happened. But these feelings always come back, harsher and more terrible as I get older. I often wonder if I am being undertreated for my condition but I know my psychiatrist has done the best she can for me, pharmacologically and supportive. She has always been the rock I depend on. I also know that I wouldn’t be here if my therapist wasn’t so damn stubborn. I just have treatment resistant depression. The only thing that has not been tried is ECT and TMS. I won’t have ECT because I am too afraid of the memory loss. If anything, I value my memory more than my life and without it, I might as well just be dead. TMS I don’t know why I haven’t been given this option. It is just magnetic stimulation and has had good results in some people. Course, I have been out of the research domain for a few years so I don’t know much more about it. I know they perform it at the hospital I was in as an outpatient.

I just feel really crummy, like my heart is falling out of my chest. The pain that I feel is tolerable right now. It’s nothing that I have not been through before. It is when it becomes intolerable I really am in danger. But my moods have been fluctuating lately. One moment they are deep, dark and then the next they are out of control and all I can think about is death to relieve myself of the misery I am feeling. Thinking about death has always been a solace for me. It is the constant reminder that I have the option of ending my life whenever I choose.

Random 236

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression

Finally went to Starbucks today. It made me happy, least for a little while. I brought my laptop thinking I would type up what I had written last night on the new short story I am working on. I typed up two pages and then had to quit. My brain was fried. Between trying to decipher my handwriting and the distraction of the internet, I just couldn’t really concentrate on what I was typing. And I just couldn’t get into a typing rhythm. I will try and type up what I wrote later tonight. Maybe I will have better success when I am in my quiet room. Starbucks’ music was so loud and it was competing with my headphones. My brain couldn’t decipher what music to listen to, despite my headphones being a the volume setting I had it on. I was listening through my computer rather than my phone. I have Taylor Swift playing on both music players. Her music keeps me focused on other things, though there are a few songs on 1989 that I have to dance to or at least bob my head. I just can’t quite sit there when these songs come on. The songs are “Shake it off” and “How to get the girl”.

I seem to be in good spirits today. I called my father and spoke to him for a little bit. He is feeling better than he was yesterday. I got a Christmas letter from my cousins about their doings. It was something I already knew but it was nice reading the letter. My cousin has some wit and made me laugh at her rhyming. I haven’t sent out Christmas cards in a few years. Mostly because they are expensive and I haven’t had the extra money to get them. I did send out a few to a couple of friends from a pack of cards my mother got from donation places looking for money. She doesn’t send cards out. I don’t think she ever did while I was growing up. I guess she just couldn’t be bothered.

Next week I have to finagle the bagel again. I made an appointment for my father on the same day I have therapy. It’s two hours before my appointment so I hope I can keep it. Thing is, I don’t know if there will be testing or not so I think I better just cancel it rather than try and keep it, just to be on the safe side. I really don’t want to be charged a session fee because I gave less than 24 hour notice.

I picked up my prescription today. I got to talking to the pharm tech about my writings. It felt good to write again. I was up till almost 0200 just writing away. I got to almost eight pages of stuff. But then the meds kicked in and I had to sleep. I thought about continuing at Starbucks but I just wasn’t in the frame of mind. I figure I might as well start typing it and that was the last thing I did before falling asleep. I just got the first two paragraphs started and then continued when I got to my happy place. I think it is a really good story. I might post it as a blog.

I really need to take a shower later today. I just feel icky and my head won’t stop itching. I have dry scalp and it is only made worse by dirty hair. I have yet to find a shampoo that works. Even if I use dandruff shampoo I still itch. It is so annoying. If it continues, I might see a dermatologist. I think I will have to because one of my moles has changed. It is now raised and looks darker. I have one on my upper arm that is “suspicious” but I never got it checked out. I figured as long as it doesn’t bother me, I am ok.

I plan on making my steak tonight. My mother made chicken soup so I know she will have that rather than my steak. She doesn’t like steak anyway so it will be all mine! I will have rice with it or maybe tater tots. I will decide when I get to the kitchen. This will be the first time that I cook steak so I hope I do it right.

Deeply Disturbed

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, suicide, writing

Deeply disturbed

I woke up early this morning and found that a teen in my state “encouraged” another teen to take his life. She is now being charged with manslaughter because he didn’t want to go through with it but she egged him on. I am disgusted and disturbed by this. What is more disturbing is that the story is trending! That is what brought it to my attention. In a town I never heard of, this happened. And to think that someone had to die to make the news. It is very sad. And what really pisses me off is that when there are suicide prevention efforts being rolled out, they don’t trend at all. Like Facebook, for example. They just implemented a new way to find out about a person’s status and get them help, if need be. I don’t know how it works, as I have not seen it. I am sure it must be done through the reporting feature on the status. Too bad Twitter doesn’t have this feature. I also argued on Twitter to use the hashtag suicide when giving out hotline numbers and such because you never know who will see them. Often times, people will retweet a number, but not the hashtag, and I feel it gets lost in the system so to speak. I once trolled the hashtag and found that not one person was helping these people who were desperately conveying their suicidal thoughts. I tried to help one that looked very dire but got no response back. And this was within minutes of posting the tweet. Sometimes, people won’t respond to strangers and I get that but putting a hashtag and then saying you are going to do something to harm yourself is just playing with fire. I wish Twitter some day has the reporting system.

Then I get word that the Duck Dynasty star get an award for his anti-gay remarks he made. WTF is this world coming to?? That to me is the most disgusting award you can ever have. Yes, the guy has a right to his opinion about gays. I will give him that, but to receive an award?? Come on! It just boggles my fricken mind. I really can’t wrap my head around this one.

I started working on a new short story today. I must have written three sentences before my mind went blank. But I started and that is the important thing. Tomorrow I am going to try and go to Starbucks to finish it. I hope I can get it to at least three pages. I am handwriting it so I really need six pages. It will be a bitch to type up but maybe I can use Dragon so I don’t have to type. I feel bad that I bought this fricken software and have not used it much since I first got it. It is kind of difficult to use because it doesn’t give you a book guide, you have to search on the computer what you need to tell the program to do. And sometimes, especially when you want to correct something, like “delete this word”, it will type it rather than delete it! It can be frustrating to say the least. That is why I don’t use it often. They say it gets better with use, but when I get frustrated, my accent comes out and the words with “r”s get fucked up. There are no “R”s in Boston as I like to say.

My damn father called, twice today. The first time was to see if I was coming over. I knew my other sister was coming over so I said no. The second was to tell me he was feeling dizzy. I grew concerned because he has so many health issues. Then I found out he took a pain pill and that was the cause of the dizziness. Damn fool. If he told me that, I would have just told him to lie back down until it left him. Sometimes I get dizzy with my pain meds and I know the only thing to do is to lie down. Now tomorrow I have to make an appointment with his doctor because of the reason he took his pain medication. I am not happy right now. I got really pissed off because I was having fun in a chat room when he called. After the phone call, I couldn’t calm down so I left the chat. My fun was gone in an instant. The first time all week I got to socialize with people who understand what I go through and it was crushed.

I never made it to Walgreens to pick up my prescription today. I really wanted to get Reese’s dark peanut butter cups. I must not have really wanted them that bad because I didn’t leave the house. Actually, I had planned on it but I had an anxiety attack with chest pain this afternoon. I didn’t want to tax myself going out as I didn’t know if I was going to get that fatigue feeling again or not. I planned on staying safe before things go really bad. I hate when I have chest pain with anxiety. It was really awful. But I was breathing normally and I wasn’t having any symptoms of a heart attack. My pulse was normal, well normal as can be with anxiety. I forgot to take my BP meds this morning so I took them when I realized I forgot. I had these chest pains before and knew Ativan would take it away. If the med didn’t work, then I would be worried, which would just make my anxiety worse.

It is snowing again. We are expected to receive another 3-6 inches, a dusting really compared with what we have had. If it snows more than that, we will break the previous record of snow fall in a season. Right now the record stands at 107 inches. Currently our snow fall is 101 inches. My writing partner and I have a running joke of shipping snow to her to New Mexico. I told her I would gladly ship it to her, no cost. I don’t know if it will still be snow by the time it got to her. It might be water. There is a guy, also in my state, that is selling the stuff from his back yard at $119 (USD)/box. Guess that is one way to get rid of it. Otherwise, it might not melt till June or July!