feeling weak and tired

Feeling weak and tired

I haven’t been eating much the past few days and yesterday I didn’t drink enough fluids like I should. I am feeling weak and tired today. I ordered my groceries as I needed half and half. I weighed myself this morning and I am down another 10lbs. My clothes are starting to become baggy on me. I need to take a shower today. I don’t know if I will have the energy for it. I am feeling kind of rotten. I just ordered a caramel macchiato because I feel crappy and need caffeine. I don’t have half and half so I can’t make my coffee. I need the treat anyways.

I had a bowl of cereal today. I got a text while eating to sign up for the vaccine so I did that. I will be going Wed to get the vaccine in Boston. It should be easy to get to as I just have to take the bus and train there. Right now it looks like it is going to rain on Wed. I hate traveling in the rain. But it will be worth going out for this vaccine.

I have therapy tomorrow and I don’t feel like going. I just want to stay in bed. I am in my kitchen as I am waiting for my Starbucks. It should be here soon. I am glad I can get a delivery. It is worth the cost for every now and then. Not every day though. It would be too expensive. I am only having it today because I need caffeine.

I have to go to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. I don’t think I will go today though. I am too tired and weak. I haven’t left the house since I got diagnosed with Covid. I know part of the reason I am so weak is because I haven’t done any exercises or walked since being quarantined.

I am back in my room because I am cold. My sister had the door to the porch open and then tells me I should contact the doctor because I am cold. Sure and maybe if you close the door it wouldn’t be so damn cold in the kitchen either. She has been driving me fucking crazy. I seriously have been thinking of moving out as a friend has been wanting me to live with her for some time now. She has a room for me and it would be less lonely for her to have someone live with her.

I am listening to Taylor’s Fearless album (her version). It is one of my favorite albums. I haven’t stopped listening to the album since I was finally able to download it to my phone. I had four shots espresso with my drink and I am ready to nap. WTF. I hate that sometimes caffeine has the opposite effect on me. The song fearless has me dancing in my seat. I love this song so much. I am calling the new song Mr. Perfectly Fine as the new number one.

Random 236

Finally went to Starbucks today. It made me happy, least for a little while. I brought my laptop thinking I would type up what I had written last night on the new short story I am working on. I typed up two pages and then had to quit. My brain was fried. Between trying to decipher my handwriting and the distraction of the internet, I just couldn’t really concentrate on what I was typing. And I just couldn’t get into a typing rhythm. I will try and type up what I wrote later tonight. Maybe I will have better success when I am in my quiet room. Starbucks’ music was so loud and it was competing with my headphones. My brain couldn’t decipher what music to listen to, despite my headphones being a the volume setting I had it on. I was listening through my computer rather than my phone. I have Taylor Swift playing on both music players. Her music keeps me focused on other things, though there are a few songs on 1989 that I have to dance to or at least bob my head. I just can’t quite sit there when these songs come on. The songs are “Shake it off” and “How to get the girl”.

I seem to be in good spirits today. I called my father and spoke to him for a little bit. He is feeling better than he was yesterday. I got a Christmas letter from my cousins about their doings. It was something I already knew but it was nice reading the letter. My cousin has some wit and made me laugh at her rhyming. I haven’t sent out Christmas cards in a few years. Mostly because they are expensive and I haven’t had the extra money to get them. I did send out a few to a couple of friends from a pack of cards my mother got from donation places looking for money. She doesn’t send cards out. I don’t think she ever did while I was growing up. I guess she just couldn’t be bothered.

Next week I have to finagle the bagel again. I made an appointment for my father on the same day I have therapy. It’s two hours before my appointment so I hope I can keep it. Thing is, I don’t know if there will be testing or not so I think I better just cancel it rather than try and keep it, just to be on the safe side. I really don’t want to be charged a session fee because I gave less than 24 hour notice.

I picked up my prescription today. I got to talking to the pharm tech about my writings. It felt good to write again. I was up till almost 0200 just writing away. I got to almost eight pages of stuff. But then the meds kicked in and I had to sleep. I thought about continuing at Starbucks but I just wasn’t in the frame of mind. I figure I might as well start typing it and that was the last thing I did before falling asleep. I just got the first two paragraphs started and then continued when I got to my happy place. I think it is a really good story. I might post it as a blog.

I really need to take a shower later today. I just feel icky and my head won’t stop itching. I have dry scalp and it is only made worse by dirty hair. I have yet to find a shampoo that works. Even if I use dandruff shampoo I still itch. It is so annoying. If it continues, I might see a dermatologist. I think I will have to because one of my moles has changed. It is now raised and looks darker. I have one on my upper arm that is “suspicious” but I never got it checked out. I figured as long as it doesn’t bother me, I am ok.

I plan on making my steak tonight. My mother made chicken soup so I know she will have that rather than my steak. She doesn’t like steak anyway so it will be all mine! I will have rice with it or maybe tater tots. I will decide when I get to the kitchen. This will be the first time that I cook steak so I hope I do it right.

Therapy and Coffee


Coffee and therapy

Last night I read blogs about how a therapist lost a patient to suicide and how he got through it, two years later. It started to get me thinking about my journey with my therapist. Though this isn’t a linear story and is not about what went on in therapy, it is a story about how coffee brought me closer to my therapist and formed a bond that we didn’t know about at the time.

I was not always a Starbucks coffee drinker. Like many Bostonians, Dunkin Donuts coffee was sufficient. But once you have experienced a full bodied coffee, you can never go back to their coffee. My therapist’s office had an Au Buon Pain French bakery across the street. They sell great coffee. After having their coffee, I really couldn’t go back to Dunkin. I started drinking their coffee and found that I like it much better than Dunkin, even if it cost a little more.

A funny story about the Au Buon Pain coffee. Usually by mid-session I would be finished with my coffee and I would play with the cup, mainly playing with the protective sleeve by picking at the corners. During one session, it was getting intense, and I was playing with the empty cup. Some how the lid flew off in the direction of my therapist sitting across from me. We both laughed at the symbolism and meaning of with this lid. But I guess the lid meant more to her as she kept the it after session that day. It was just a plastic coffee lid to me but she found a treasured object. When we started exchanging gifts sometimes after my 30th birthday (my birthday falls near Christmas), I received the lid back with a corny message. She had placed it in a picture frame and on the back was the message. I am unable to find this frame at this time and I don’t remember what the lid said. I just laughed.

I have a sensitive stomach so it wasn’t too long before my gastritis would act up over my one cup of coffee a day. I think it was around this time that I switched to Starbucks. I figured I couldn’t go wrong with espresso diluted with milk. At first, I couldn’t tolerate the switch as it has been forever since I had a glass of milk. But after a while I got used to it and I am now a full time Starbucks junkie.

It didn’t matter what office we were at, there was always a Starbucks I could find. I swear I have an internal GPS Starbucks locator in my brain. When she first moved to Framingham, 30 miles from her Cambridge location, she said there weren’t any Starbucks nearby. I found two within two miles of her office. I would always have my mocha during sessions. During one session, the lid came off again and this time I spilled my drink on her fancy rug. I felt so bad. Starbucks had changed their covers to flimsy plastic and it didn’t fit right on the cup. This time, my therapist didn’t keep the lid.

I think I have consumed more Starbucks coffee over the years than any other establishment in my area. I now make their coffee at home, which further debilitates my staying in the house. But then, I will only drink Starbucks coffee. Occasionally and in a pinch, I will have Dunkins or Au Buon Pain or even the local convenient store coffee. I still have remained a loyal customer even though the price of their coffee has gone up over the years. I used to solely drink their espresso drinks, but since they out with the Clover system, which makes one cup of coffee at a time, I have gone back to coffee. It is cheaper than the espresso drinks. I have yet to try espresso by itself, however.

Through all the coffee consumption, I still have the same therapist. She has been with me for the past 13+ years. Next month will be technically our 14th year. I say technically because I had my first session with her in 2000 but because she didn’t take my insurance at the time, I couldn’t see her. When I changed my insurance the following year, I called her up and was happy to find that she still was accepting new clients.

Her vacation this year will be welcome. I need a break from her. It’s not that she is doing anything wrong, it’s just that I need some space. I know that I’ll probably write her letters while she is gone. I have always written her letters to say what I cannot talk about. Mostly I write to vent and then I forget what I write. They (researchers) says it’s a cathartic response. And most of what I write is cathartic. Of the more than 700 blogs I have written over the last two years since starting my blog, the only ones I specifically remember are the papers I have posted. The rest I may remember from a tag or title but sometimes, I have found, the title isn’t what the blog is about.

My therapist started her practice at the middle of Mass Ave in Cambridge. She moved down the street several times until her final destination was 30 miles away. Each move, I went with her. She could have stopped seeing me at any point in the consolidation of her practices, as she called it. Course it was very difficult when her final destination was Framingham. I don’t have a car so we communicate mostly by phone. I try to get my sister’s car at least once a month to visit her but it sometimes doesn’t work out because of my pain levels. And usually, I will get a coffee before starting the trip. It’s anywhere from 45 mins to an hour and a half from where I live to her office. It all depends on the traffic. And which route I go. I mostly go one route that is through several towns rather than go the direct route, which is the highway. The highway would be faster but I have had one too many tire blow outs and I am just too afraid now to go that way. It has traumatized me to the point I will only go if I have a very reliable car. My last tire blow out, I thought I was going to get killed because I was stuck in the middle of the road and a semi was coming in hot after me. Since that day I only use that highway only if I absolutely have to.

As much as my therapist is a “PITA” (Pain In The Ass), she is also stubborn. We will butt heads frequently about sessions to my safety. Since she calls me a suicidologist, I have often brought in tools to help with the suicidal thoughts and ideation. Before then, we just used with the “no harm contracts” which suck. Now we use a Crisis response plan. See this blog to find out more about it. It’s good I see a stubborn therapist. The only thing I hate is that she NEVER allows me to cancel a session anymore. I used to be able to cancel whenever I didn’t feel like going in. Those days are long gone. If I cancel due to a legit reason, say my father’s doctor appointment, I need to reschedule. We always meet twice a week. Very rarely do I see her once a week, though when my suicidality, peaks it could be three time a week.

There was one session I really didn’t want to see her. She called me and asked where I was and I told her I was home. This is after I canceled our session. She bribed me with a mocha to come to her office. Who does that?

Horrendous day, just for a cup of coffee

Horrendous day, just for a cup of coffee

There was supposed to be a 13:25 bus out of Sully Station but it didn’t show up until 14:00. Talk about being late. I would have reported the bus to twitter had I thought about taking the bus number down at the time but I was too discombobulated to think of it. I caught the next bus to Davis so all was good but I was so mad that I couldn’t sit and edit my book like I wanted to. I just didn’t have my brain power, even with my mocha. I might do some of it at home later but for now I am just going to rest and wait for my friend to go to the gym. We are supposed to meet up today and I hope that we do as we have not seen each other in months.

I am feeling a little better emotionally today, though still feel the depression is over me. I don’t have a lot of physical pain today though I am sure after waiting forty minutes for the stupid bus my leg is going to flare up soon. I hope it doesn’t but you never know. Part of the reason I got up so late was because my leg was in contorting pain last night. I was having weird dreams again and kept waking up from these dreams in pain. I didn’t keep track of the pain meds like I do when I am awake so I guess I will have to figure it out later on.

I just got an email from Medscape or in the news that the FDA wants to change my pain medication to a schedule II class. I don’t know what that means but I know it isn’t going to be good for me if they succeed. If I can’t get my pain medication, I know my doctor might as well sign my death certificate. There will be no way for me to function with NO pain medications at all. I know just the thought of having no pain medication is enough for me to become suicidal. I know I don’t really need no prompting as my thoughts are there anyways but at least if my physical pain is controlled, I can usually handle my mental pain. It is when BOTH are raging that I am in a suicidal crisis. Lately, my mental pain has not been too bad. I haven’t been as hopeless as I have been in a LONG time. I am not saying that I am thinking about a future or stuff like that but I do look forward to tomorrow more than I have in the past. I don’t know why that is or why it has changed. Frankly I don’t really care. I know my therapist would love to tease it apart and analyze it to death but I really don’t care. Being a little hopeful is better than being hopelessly depressed. Maybe one day I will think about my future but I am not there yet.

Today is my youngest sister’s birthday. She is at the Patriots game and I just got a text saying that there will be a special pre-game ceremony for the Red Sox as they are WORLD SERIES CHAMPIONS!! I still cannot believe it. I have not watched the game in its entirety yet. I am still in the inning where Stephen Drew hits his solo home run. I could watch that over and over and over again. This guy has been in a slump and soon as he gets his first pitch he drills it out to the bullpen. SO FRIGGEN AWESOME! Then to watch Ellsbury miss his home run was so cool. He got a double on his first or second pitch. Then they intentionally walked Ortiz. I could go on about this but I won’t. It just makes me happy that I lived to see the Red Sox win another championship. That is three in my lifetime. So awesome.

I wish I could say that my suicidal thoughts have been gone since baseball season came to an official close but it hasn’t. I don’t really think my thoughts will ever stop as they have been with me for so long. I guess it is just another thing I have to learn to live with.