Horrendous day, just for a cup of coffee

Horrendous day, just for a cup of coffee

There was supposed to be a 13:25 bus out of Sully Station but it didn’t show up until 14:00. Talk about being late. I would have reported the bus to twitter had I thought about taking the bus number down at the time but I was too discombobulated to think of it. I caught the next bus to Davis so all was good but I was so mad that I couldn’t sit and edit my book like I wanted to. I just didn’t have my brain power, even with my mocha. I might do some of it at home later but for now I am just going to rest and wait for my friend to go to the gym. We are supposed to meet up today and I hope that we do as we have not seen each other in months.

I am feeling a little better emotionally today, though still feel the depression is over me. I don’t have a lot of physical pain today though I am sure after waiting forty minutes for the stupid bus my leg is going to flare up soon. I hope it doesn’t but you never know. Part of the reason I got up so late was because my leg was in contorting pain last night. I was having weird dreams again and kept waking up from these dreams in pain. I didn’t keep track of the pain meds like I do when I am awake so I guess I will have to figure it out later on.

I just got an email from Medscape or in the news that the FDA wants to change my pain medication to a schedule II class. I don’t know what that means but I know it isn’t going to be good for me if they succeed. If I can’t get my pain medication, I know my doctor might as well sign my death certificate. There will be no way for me to function with NO pain medications at all. I know just the thought of having no pain medication is enough for me to become suicidal. I know I don’t really need no prompting as my thoughts are there anyways but at least if my physical pain is controlled, I can usually handle my mental pain. It is when BOTH are raging that I am in a suicidal crisis. Lately, my mental pain has not been too bad. I haven’t been as hopeless as I have been in a LONG time. I am not saying that I am thinking about a future or stuff like that but I do look forward to tomorrow more than I have in the past. I don’t know why that is or why it has changed. Frankly I don’t really care. I know my therapist would love to tease it apart and analyze it to death but I really don’t care. Being a little hopeful is better than being hopelessly depressed. Maybe one day I will think about my future but I am not there yet.

Today is my youngest sister’s birthday. She is at the Patriots game and I just got a text saying that there will be a special pre-game ceremony for the Red Sox as they are WORLD SERIES CHAMPIONS!! I still cannot believe it. I have not watched the game in its entirety yet. I am still in the inning where Stephen Drew hits his solo home run. I could watch that over and over and over again. This guy has been in a slump and soon as he gets his first pitch he drills it out to the bullpen. SO FRIGGEN AWESOME! Then to watch Ellsbury miss his home run was so cool. He got a double on his first or second pitch. Then they intentionally walked Ortiz. I could go on about this but I won’t. It just makes me happy that I lived to see the Red Sox win another championship. That is three in my lifetime. So awesome.

I wish I could say that my suicidal thoughts have been gone since baseball season came to an official close but it hasn’t. I don’t really think my thoughts will ever stop as they have been with me for so long. I guess it is just another thing I have to learn to live with.

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