Tag: depression

Sleepy Sunday 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Yesterday my blog reach 139 views, the second most views it has had in quite a while. I was very happy.

Pain kept me up most of the night. I didn’t go to bed till at least 0300 or after. And to my surprise, I slept till 1500! I have never slept that late in a long time. I had something to eat and then I went back to bed. I am just so very tired. I didn’t do anything special to sleep, which is weird. Usually I take something, like Neurontin, and I can sleep for hours on end but this time I didn’t. I guess I really needed to sleep.

Needless to say, I got nothing done today, except today’s blog. I was going to join a chat but I fell asleep, again. I just took my night meds, some of them, so I should be going to sleep soon. Surprisingly, I am not in as much pain as I was last night. Last night was horrible. I was in so much pain I couldn’t do anything. Any type of movement with my ankle just brought more pain. I could barely stand to take my meds last night. That was a trick I hope I don’t have to learn again.

Because I was in la la land most of the day, my pill box didn’t get refilled. I will do that tomorrow. I have nothing to do all day except for my therapy appointment in the evening. In fact, other than therapy and my pdoc appt this week, nothing else is in the roster. So I can watch baseball games! I watched the last 2 ½ innings of the spring training game today. We won 6-3, even though the other team out hit us. I guess the other team gave away more walks than they should have, and it proved costly.

I finished typing the short story about psychosis last night. I am so happy to have that done. It really took a lot out of me to type up. I plan on editing it and then deciding if I want to publish it on my blog or just keep it non-published until it becomes part of the book I am making.

I really hate dry skin. I feel so itchy all over the place and I know it’s because of the dryness. It happens every winter, and is worse after a shower. I try to put lotion on but there are spots, like my back, that I can’t reach. I try to use a different soap to wash up with when it gets really bad. That usually helps until it wears off. Then I am scratching again.

I am going to try and change the linen this week. It’s always a arduous task but a necessary one. I haven’t quite decided if I am going to change in to my fleece sheets or my regular sheets. I still have a few days to think about it because I have to take the stuff off my bed to change the bed. Stuff like my journal and books. I sleep only on half my bed. The other half is my “office”.

I am also going to try and get a haircut this week. I just haven’t decided where to go to get it. I can go to the local barber shop but lately, they haven’t been cutting it as short as I would like. I have been going to Supercuts. The last time I went there, they did a good job, but it was at a location in Boston, not the one that is near my psychiatrist’s place. If I wait till Friday, that will be ok. I should be able to get up early and get my haircut before the appointment.

While I was up between naps, I made something to eat. Guess you can say it was lunch and dinner rolled into one. Made cinnamon rolls and then chicken nuggets. It was good. Then I went back to sleep.

Twenty-Three Years

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mental illness, suicidality

Twenty-three years

Today marks twenty-three years that I have sought help for my depression and self-destructiveness. I actually didn’t seek help straight out. My English teacher noticed I was upset and pulled me aside and saw the marks on my wrist that I had made the night before. She then told me to stay after class, something no teacher has ever told me to do before. She took me to the nurse’s office. We chatted. I told her about what happened at my house the last two nights and how much I just wanted to die. She called my mother, who then took me to the local counseling center. By then, I told them “nothing was wrong” and that I was “okay”. I declined treatment and went on with my day. Daily visits to the nurse’s office became more frequent. I just stopped in to check in and told her what was going on. She wanted me to see someone so the following week I agreed to see the school counselor. Thus started my official journey into psychotherapy.

It hasn’t been an easy road. For the first ten years, I had a different therapist nearly every year. I think the only time I had two years was with the psych resident that wanted to see me or I would still be in the hospital. I went through a lot with this psychiatrist in training. While in her care, I attempt suicide and ended up being in the hospital for two and half months. When she ended her residency, I went to another psych in training. He wasn’t as good as she was. In fact, he was terrible. I felt like he was more my brother than a therapist but when I told him I was procuring more medication to end my life, he asked me if I was suicidal. That is when I knew he was an idiot. I pretty much ended our relationship within a few weeks and saw someone else. She was good, had years experience. But after I had an argument with my sister and she wanted to know more about my sister’s social life than my anger, I ended things with her. I went about a month without seeing someone. I then decided to go back to my town’s local mental health center. I saw someone there for a year and again, she decided to move on after that year mark. We were finally connected and I felt so betrayed. I didn’t think I was going to see another person again. I don’t know what changed my mind. I knew I didn’t want to see someone else at the local mental health center. I wanted to see someone private. I figured they were less likely to leave their practice. And I luckily found my current therapist and we have been together for fourteen years. It is the longest relationship I have had, outside of my psychiatrist. I am lucky that I have had just one psychiatrist for my medication all these years. She does more than just prescribe my medication. She also does some therapy and is my sounding board for the various medical issues that I have. And I can’t wait to see her again in a week after not seeing her for four long months. It is going to be weird seeing her again.

I don’t know why I have stuck it out in therapy all these years, especially when things were at their worst. I have been beyond hopeless and yet my psych team (therapist and psychiatrist) always made me see another day, sometimes against my wishes.

Tired of Pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I got good news today, well yesterday. My psychiatrist is back in the office! I haven’t seen her in like four months because she broke her hip. I finally asked her point blank when will I see her again and she sent me an appointment time. I am so excited, but nervous, about seeing her again. I feel a little bit better knowing that she is back in the office, that I am not so alone anymore. And seeing her is perfect because I need a refill on one of my meds.

I have been tired most of the day. I had a bad pain flare up last night and I didn’t get to bed till after 0200. I slept until around 8 when I had to go to the bathroom. I went back to sleep and then some jerk with a private number called around 1030. They left a blank message. It pissed me off and I then I just got up. I had a couple of phone calls to make anyways, on behalf of my father.

I am watching my niece tonight until her father comes home. She and I just finished eating pizza and fries. She is watching movies on her Kindle.

Speaking of Kindle, last night I decided to purchase and download two (2) songs. It turned into a nightmare. The AmazonMP3 app decided it was going to download ALL (1460 of them!) the songs I have ever purchased from them. I couldn’t get it to stop so I uninstalled the app. I was bullshit. I really just wanted to hear those songs I bought. Then the damn thing was downloading songs from a CD I purchased and was waiting to arrived. That was cool but the download was like half a song. It was terrible night. I was getting so annoyed and it was getting late. I was in horrible pain and irritable that I just couldn’t deal with it. I sent a couple of tweets to AmazonMP3 to let them know their app sucks.

I then decided, as I was in an irritable mood, to type up the short story I have been working on all week. I must have typed up half a page when I realized what I wrote sounded a little psychotic and incoherent. Of course, when I first wrote it, it made sense at the time. So I just omitted the incoherent part. By that time, the Ativan was kicking in and it was close to three in the morning so I went to bed.

I don’t know why my ankle flared up yesterday. It is better now and I hope it stays that way. I took a shower today and it kind of didn’t like me standing on it so I took a pain pill because I thought I would have to walk to pick up my niece. But my sister texted me saying she was getting out of work early and she would pick her up from school, then drop her off at the house. Sounded good to me as I wasn’t sure what the streets around the school were like, if they were shoveled or not.

It’s the sleepy hour. I am trying to resist taking a nap but I am fricken cold and just want to go under the covers. I know that if I do, I will wake up around 2300 and be up for several hours. I have made a deal with myself that if I read up to 750 pages in my Civil War book, I will start Dostoevsky’s “Idiot”. That book is also a mouthful and wordy but I like Dostoevsky’s books. I read this book in college for a Russian reading class. Russia has always fascinated me. I really would love to go to St. Petersburg one day, but I think that will be just a dream.

Going down in Flames

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression

Going down in Flames

Feeling depressed today, more than usual. Seems like as each day passes, I get more and more into the abyss. I have been out of the house three days this week. I am happy about that. Just wish my mood could reflect it. I went to my father’s today for my weekly visit. I am thinking of getting him a monthly pill box so I don’t have to go over every week. We’ll see. Today he asked me how long he has to take his meds. I told him forever. You would have thought I just gave him a death sentence. Idiot.

I got good news today. My psychiatrist is back in the office! I haven’t seen her since September. I am trying to set up an appointment with her but she, of course, hasn’t responded to my email yet. I hope she responds soon. I can’t wait to see her. It’s been too long.

I have had a sleepy day today. Went to bed with pain and woke up in pain. Pain meds caused me to go back to sleep. Even now, I am having a hard time bearing weight on my left foot. It started on the way home from my father’s. There has been some temperature degree changes in the last 24 hours so I am hoping that is the reason. I really can’t bear to be in physical pain while I am suffering from psychache. It is just too intolerable.

I haven’t finished typing up my short story. I really wanted to work on that today but haven’t found the time to do it. I might type up one page when I finish this blog. Depends on how I feel and what motivation I have left. Just writing this is difficult. I am being distracted by Twitter and my damn phone keeps going off with text messages. Most of these text messages are from the T, saying that buses are being delayed due to traffic. I get them every day around this time.