Tag: depression

Another side of Bipolar Disorder

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, suicidality

Another side to Bipolar Disorder

Last night, I sort of crashed. I was still feeling like I was in some weird mixed state but I was more up than down. Despite the up feelings, I was adamant that I should kill myself while in this state as I had energy to do so. I texted my therapist that I was a hopeless case and something to the effect that I would be writing suicide letters before ending my life. I still am thinking this. We have a session in about an hour. I am sure she is going to try and talk me out of it but I don’t think she can this time.

All day I have been in a weird mood, neither up, neither down, just flat but I have been alert and to my senses. I got pissed off last night because I requested a 90 day supply of medication and he sent in a 30 day supply. Now the mail order is charging me $20, for what I am not sure. I am so angry that I don’t care. It’s not like I am going to be living 90 days anyway. I am going to get my affairs in order and just end things. How I am going to do this, is still a mystery to me. I haven’t thought that far ahead.

Last night I doubled my mood stabilizer. I also took my antidepressant that I have not been taking for more than a month. Now I have the hungry horrors today, though I think that is mostly because of the antidepressant than the mood stabilizer. I just wanted to get out of the “high” feeling before I spent my last dollar that probably isn’t mine (long story). I still have to file my taxes and I need money because I know that I owe. I plan on filing my next pay period, which is in two weeks. Tomorrow I see my psychiatrist. I am wicked nervous about seeing her, though kind of in a good way. I bought her chocolate as a welcome back. She knows of my mood swings because I emailed her. She doesn’t know of my suicidal plans. I fear that if she knows them, I will be placed in the hospital. But the hospital is not going to deter me this time.

I don’t know why I am planning all these self-destructive things. I am just preparing for my death. I have not made any plans to actually end my life. I am just writing notes in the case of my death, which will be sometime this year. I cannot bare to live another decade.

Had a half a row with my mother tonight. She said that she didn’t know there was a boy in the house (meaning me, with my new haircut). I had to walk away only because it was close to my therapist appointment time and I didn’t want to start a fight. It still pisses me off she has no clue that I am a male or transgender. She is so fucking clueless. And it hurts so bad.

She won’t be getting a letter from me. My sisters, nieces, and nephew will but she won’t. And because my father doesn’t read English, he won’t get one either. Because fuck him. He is the reason for my problems, with all the abuse he has given me over the years.

My therapist didn’t flip out over my text of me wanting to write suicide notes and then kill myself. She has been calmer with my suicidality lately, and it is scaring me. We actually talked about my suicidality with her anxiety going off on all tangents. I even brought it up and she said it was there she just wasn’t letting it show. Maybe because I am not in the same room with her I can’t “read” her. But then she can’t really “read” me either. We talked about my decent into the darkness last night. And again it comes out when I am tired and I can’t sleep. It’s like I am fighting sleep and if I would just lie down, I might be able to sleep. But instead I feel like I have to write. So I wrote my therapist a good by letter. I will also be sending her a copy of my short story on psychosis. I started the letter soon after midnight. So the Midnight Demons came out. I don’t even remember half of what I wrote to her. But then, when I am in that state, I never remember what I write. The thing that bothers me is that I had taken meds that should have knocked my ass out well before midnight. I had taken my meds around 2130 so I should have fallen asleep within an hour, the most two. It just really sucks when I don’t fall asleep and I am fighting sleep. That is when I become really suicidal and I write about it deeply and with intensity. Then in the morning, I have no recollection of what I wrote. At all.

My therapist wants me to take my meds early tonight. I will take them at 2000 and see if I fall asleep before 2300. I do have to wake up early tomorrow to see my psychiatrist tomorrow. I am not sure I will tell her about my suicidality or letter writing. It will depend on my mood. Sometimes I am forthcoming with my suicidality but sometimes I hold back because I don’t want to end up in the emergency room. My suicidality is not imminent so I don’t think I will be sent to emergency services. And she knows my suicidality is chronic.

The upside to Bipolar Disorder

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mental illness

The upside to Bipolar Disorder

Since yesterday, I have been on a roller coaster of emotions. One minute I am happy go lucky, then next I want to kill myself. It has been alternating like this for the past 24 hours. I don’t think I will act on my feelings, only because they have been changing so rapidly and usually distraction helps. My therapist has been keeping an eye on me. I don’t see her until next week but I am to keep in touch with her. The weather has flipped to the 50’s and 60’s for the first time all winter so I think that is part of the reason why my mood has shifted. I have been feeling restless so I need to keep moving. Being on the computer only keeps my attention only for so long and then I need to move on. Playing my game is not good for me because it requires more attention and time to play. I just don’t have the patience to go through every mission and collect the stuff I need, right now.

I got my haircut today so I am feeling fresh and clean. I am really happy with this cut. After the haircut, I caught the bus to the square to get my coffee. The downside was that I needed a pair of headphones so I bought myself one. I don’t know where this money is coming from but as long as things don’t bounce, I am good. Last night I almost bought a new phone because of my impulsivity is up. But I didn’t. I bought a membership to the AAS instead. That will be good for a year. I was tempted to buy alcohol today but I really shouldn’t be drinking in my state. It might have dire consequences, especially since I have been alternating being suicidal. Luckily the downside of things hasn’t lasted long. I just don’t know why I am so upbeat. I don’t feel out of control but I feel super. I also have been feeling paranoid. Today while walking to the bus stop, I was really on edge. I was hoping I would miss the mentally disabled guy that hangs around the bus stop. I didn’t and I was really uncomfortable. He makes me so nervous because he is so rude and just expects people to give him money for the bus. One of the high school kids gave him three dollars, which was good. He wasn’t asking people but then a disabled woman came off and he asked her for money. I was like WTF. He ate a banana and left the skin on one of the seats. He then sat on it as he moved over so the disabled woman could sit down. I just wanted off the bus. I was so close to getting off my stop when the stop before mine, a mother and daughter got on. They kept on asking the bus driver questions about how to get to where they were going and I was getting more annoyed. It was not good. I really was getting heated. I just wanted off the damn bus. I know my irritability is because of my mood state but just pay your fare and sit the fuck down! Man, I was so annoyed.

I am having all the classic symptoms of hypomania, with the exception of grandiosity. I just feel really good! I am feeling little pain, though I think I overdid it with walking today and then taking a shower. My foot/ankle are not happy with me right now. I am glad I am seeing my pdoc on Friday so we can sort this out. I hope I am still in good moods when I see her. It will really suck to see her when I am in a low mood. I will be emailing her to let her know what is going on so I cover everything. Just to keep her in the loop. So weird that Sunday and Monday I was sleeping all day and Tuesday and today I am high. I still have low appetite that I am eating. I just don’t have any interest in eating if food is not in front of me. My mother made pork chops for dinner tonight and I ate half of it before I was starting to feel sick to my stomach. I ate the rest of it just so she wouldn’t think anything is wrong. But now I feel so sick, it’s not funny.

Just emailed my pdoc about the change of symptoms so she knows what is going on and I don’t have to send her this blog post. I will send it to my therapist just so she knows how hyper I am.

I got Luke Bryan’s new music. I fucking love him. If I was straight or liked guys, he would be at the top of my list of men. But I am not, I just admire him and his music. He is a cutie though.

Think I am going to try and finish reading this mammoth book on the civil war so I can then move on to Doestoevsky’s “The Idiot”. My goal is to hopefully finish it by the end of this week. That is close to 200 pages. Wish me luck!!

A Productive Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality

A Productive Day

For the first time all year, I was able to shower, get dressed, and go out. I went to Starbucks, had my coffee, and edited one of my blogs that I hope to put in my short story book. I then picked up my niece and to my surprise, I wasn’t fatigued, horribly, when I got home. My ankle was aching but it was not killing me. I feel pretty good about this. It remains to be seen whether I will have pain later tonight.

I had a bit of a scare today. When I came to my room to work on my blog, I found that WordPress was down. I still cannot load it on IE (internet Explorer) but it loads on my phone so that is good. And I can get the operational aspect of the blog working in Chrome, so I am hoping this post posts without difficulty.

I got new music today from Luke Bryan. I really shouldn’t have, but I love Luke and his music. I also am planning on trying to finish this Civil War book sometime in the next week or so. I am up to page 700 and have about 100 or so pages to finish it. I am not going to read the afterword or Epilogue. I am just going to read the chapters of the book and that is all. Then I am going to start Dostoevsky’s “Idiot”. I am going to take a break from history for a while after this Civil War book. It has been so tedious. I was thinking about writing a review for it but someone already wrote what I was thinking! Great minds think alike.

I am glad I got to edit one of my blogs that I am putting in my new book. Now I just have to enter the edits. It shouldn’t take long. I just have one line that I need to rewrite. I highlighted to have me thinking about rewording it. It definitely needs some work, so I will try and work on it sometime this week.

I hope this productivity that I am feeling lasts. The last few days had sucked because I could barely get myself out of bed. All I wanted to do was sleep and today I was able to do things. I am not manic or even hypomanic but I am feeling good. I still feel sort of depressed, though. At least twice today, I have thought about killing myself or just wondering what it would be like not to be alive anymore. It’s hard to believe that it’s now 2000 and I am not tired or sleepy like I have been in the past. I had a coffee today rather than an espresso drink. I am feeling wired. Maybe I am in a mixed state, but without the agitation.

I was able to get my recycles and a box out of my room. I hope to get another box out of my room tomorrow. I think that will help ease some of the clutter in my room. I can’t do anything about the clothes in my room. I have no where to put them so they will have to stay where they are.

Last night I was so depressed, I couldn’t bring myself to print out my blogs and the short story I just finished. Every time I thought about getting out of bed to put the paper in the printer, plug in the printer to my laptop, just wore me out just thinking about it. This morning, I had more energy so was able to print off the stuff I needed to. It didn’t seem like a chore like it was last night.

Last night I was in a very depressed mood. If I had a place to hang myself in my room, I probably would have gone through with it. I was in such a nasty depressed/suicidal mood. And today it is like night and day. I am feeling good but in a down sort of way. I don’t know what causes me to feel so bad at times. My appetite is still down. All I had to eat today was a sandwich at Starbucks. I am not really hungry for anything, though I am thinking about the jelly donut my brother-in-law gave me. I was going to have that in the morning but it might be my supper. But if I do eat, I think I will have a protein bar. I think that will be a better idea than a jelly donut. I just don’t feel hungry and food is the furthest thing from my mind. I would rather contemplate killing myself than eat something. I don’t know. It’s not like I have lost weight. My pants still fit me the same. I never lose weight like I used to. I think if I was more active, I might be able to lose more weight. But with a bum ankle, being active is difficult.

I don’t know why I feel really good today. I don’t even feel tired. I feel kind of like on cloud nine but I haven’t taken anything to make me feel this way. I hope this lasts. If I feel down tomorrow, I might be cycling, which is not good. Being bipolar sucks. You never know what kind of mood you are going to be in.

Tired Funk

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I really wanted to go out today but my need for sleep overrode my desire to leave my bed. I slept pretty good so I don’t know why I am so tired. I kept on giving myself times to get ready, like I will take the 1 pm bus. When that didn’t work out, I said I would take the 2 pm bus. That didn’t work out either. So now it’s too late for coffee but I might make a cup of tea. I think that will get me out of this tired funk I am in.

Only thing that I did today was make pancakes. I still am full from them. I don’t have an appetite. My mother is making her stuffed chicken breasts tonight. Just glad I don’t have to fend for myself. Otherwise I would not eat.

I feel depressed today for some reason. With my plans canceled tomorrow, I have nothing to do. I have therapy tonight. Just hope that I can be awake enough for it to make sense.

I read a blog today about how this blogger finally got her psych diagnosis, from a psychiatrist. It was something she wasn’t expecting but sounded like her and her therapist were ready to handle it. She was really mad that she has PTSD. She didn’t say how she got it, and I didn’t go fishing through her blog to find out. Anyone can have PTSD. I even have it, though it’s not prominent in my life. I don’t get flashbacks anymore, only when my pain flares up and I can’t move my toes. That is really the only time I will start flipping out and take Ativan. I will take Ativan for spasms, too. But it’s rare these days as my pain is well controlled. The last time I remember having PTSD symptoms was when I was in the hospital and I was in severe pain.

Seeing as I am not doing anything tomorrow, I might get my haircut. I just have to figure out of I want to get it cut in my town or in Boston. I probably will have it done at in my town as I can just come home and shower afterwards. It’s always a pain when I want to get my haircut because I sometimes don’t get it the way that I want it cut. And it all comes down to gender haircuts. I prefer a male haircut because I am male. Yet I have a body of a woman so I get stereotyped. I often get a double take when I say I want a double zero on the back and sides and short and spiky on top. I don’t understand why they can’t follow my directions. I know what I want and I know what I like, so why are you giving me a funny look? I am tempted to go to downtown Boston because I really liked the girl that gave me my cut last time but with my fatigue and the walking involved, I don’t think I can make it. The weather is supposed to be warmer so maybe I will. I don’t know.

I still have yet to empty my recycles or throw away another box like I said I would. I don’t know how I got a collection of boxes in my room. I still have the printer box but I am going to hang on to that one just in case something goes wrong with it. Problem is, my brother in law has moved the recycle bin to his back porch rather than the front. So now I have to go down the stairs and through his house, to get to the recycle bin. It’s a pain in the ass.