Tag: depression

Hopeless

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, suicidality

To live without Hope is to Cease to live. Fyodor Dostoevsky

I am having a rough day. I don’t know why I feel like my heart has been shattered but I do. Nothing or no one has said anything negative to me to make feel this way. I came home from my father’s doctor’s appointment, made lunch, made a few calls, and then wham, heartache struck. I don’t know why I feel this way. I feel completely hopeless. I want to take a nap but I fear that if I do, I will fuck up my sleep schedule. I already had a rough time sleeping last night. I woke up several times during the night. I think the anxiety of sleeping through my alarm kept me up.

Other than my father, I really didn’t have interaction with people. Sure maybe the cashier who took my order for my coffee at Starbucks but that was about it. The doctor’s appointment went well, nothing bad happened or was said. My bastard father just need to lie down when he swells up. The cause of the swelling is a little bit more complicated and I don’t wish to discuss it. But it is not the cause of my misery. I just feel really downhearted. It’s like all the air went out of my balloon.

I finished the long, drawn out Civil War book last night, much to my relief. I haven’t started any new book yet. I really want to start “the Idiot” but the print is really small and might give me a headache, even with my glasses on. I am so fed up with my eyesight being poor. And what is weighing on my mind is that I need to see my eye doc for a check up. Think I am going to do it next month, while I still have the insurance. Then I will worry about how to get new glasses later. It is going to be a struggle as glasses don’t come cheap. I also want to get a pair of prescription sunglasses so I don’t have to pay for transition lenses. I love transitions but they cost as much as prescription glasses. And I am in the house mostly so I am very rarely using them except when I go out. Just another expense that is weighing on my mind.

I sold another book today. I should be excited but with this hopelessness that has come over me, I am like “whatever”. I wanted to work on my book today but nothing is inspiring me to write. I just keep thinking about ending my life. I also keep thinking about my friend’s fiancé. He is going through some terrible grief and I think that is what is keeping me from going through with ending my life. I certainly do not want to cause someone that much pain. My friend killed himself in January. I don’t know the circumstances. Not that it matters. He is dead and his lover is in pain. He has to go on living without him and he doesn’t know how.

I read a disturbing one liner while scrolling through Facebook that said “Allah is your one God”. For some reason it made me think of StarGate and how the G’ould think they are gods and rule through alien powers. I don’t know if this is my delusional thinking going on, but could the people of Islam be ruled by alien powers thinking their god is their one true god? In one episode of StarGate, they had Seth, a G’ould, create cults that ended up killing themselves when the G’ould needed a new host. It was interested because this alien was so imbedded into the human religion factor that nobody really questioned that he was truly an alien. But then, I am a sci-fi guy. Things like this interest me and I hold them as truths unless proven otherwise.

Sometime next week after I get paid, I plan on making malt chocolate chip cookies. I just have to get the butter and the malt. You think it would be easy finding it on PeaPod but it’s not. And when I did find it, a 12 oz can was nearly $5! Shit is expensive but I am hoping they have a stop and shop brand that I can use. I just need a fricken ½ cup of the stuff. I might throw in some oatmeal by substituting ½ cup of oatmeal for flour. It called for 2 cups of flour so I will just put in 1 and ½. I really love baking cookies. Only thing I don’t like is the clean up. That is the part that sucks!

Random 376

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, suicidality

I was on a BPD chat tonight and the topic was “tell your story or re-author it”, something to that effect. It was going well until someone brought up comfort zones. I said that my therapist gets uncomfortable when I bring up my suicidal thoughts and feelings. This person replied “well there are rules for that”. That is not the same thing. You can’t all be talking about daisies and puppies in therapy. Sometimes you need to have a therapist listen to the hard stuff that is making you want to kill yourself and if that is not part of the comfort zone, then what is?? I had to leave the chat because I got so pissed off. I don’t really know why it bothered me so much. Probably because I am so tired of therapists having their comfort zone EXCLUDE suicide talk. Then things get real.

I didn’t do any promoting. No one was apparently interested that I wrote a book. It is weighing on me though. Because I am basing the sales of this book to my next. But it is going to be a while before I can come up with 150-200 pages of stuff. I edited today a blog I wanted to use. It is 3 pages long. So I tossed it. I am not going to use it because I can’t expand upon it. I have been tinkering with the possibility of writing a piece on being a suicide attempt survivor and what that means. I have written three articles in my blogs about it. I can combine all three and then go from there, or I can start fresh. It’s still up in the air. I don’t have a timeline to work on these things. It’s just whenever they come to me.

I took down one of the pages of my blog. I removed “why I blog”. I figured “what my blog is about” will be more fitting. I wanted to change things up a bit.

I got a month before I know if I won the AAS writing contest. I probably won’t win. I wrote pretty depressing stuff that wasn’t too hopeful. Just like my book. All I need to sell is 15 more copies and I will have met my goal of 100 books sold in a year. But I don’t think it is going to happen. I only sold 3 books this month. I need 12 more to make my goal. I have been promoting like crazy but no bites. An author gave a website today to promote an indie book. I am going to try and see if I can have my book on their website. It’s worth a shot.

Ankle is killing me today. I have been up and down the stairs a lot today. I also took a walk to the drug store to get my meds and a birthday card for my idiotic father. His birthday is next week. If I don’t give him anything, he is like a child and has a tantrum. Fucking ridiculous. I hate buying cards because I think they are just a waste of money. You pay for it, the person reads it, and then where does it end up? In the trash! So my money is now waste. Just don’t know why I bother sometimes.

I have been feeling depressed today. It really was an effort just to get out of bed. I had a rough time sleeping as I had weird dreams and my med app reminder kept going off. By the time I was awake enough to take my meds, it was 0400! OOPS. I just took my hormone pill as that is what I really need to take. I just hope it doesn’t mess things up. Will have to wait and see at this point. I didn’t bother taking my other meds because it was so early in the morning. I would have slept all day. I took a snooze, or what was supposed to be a snooze, around 1900 and I guess I just fell into a deep sleep. I am surprised I still had battery on my phone because I wasn’t charging it.

I have been craving salty and sweet things all day. Mostly, I have been craving bacon. But I just don’t want the clean up. My friend suggested that I cook it in the oven but I don’t know how that will be as I never made it that way before. And besides, I just want a few slices, not the whole package. I think it tastes better fried than baked anyways.

Hypos are Back

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging

Hypos are back

Thought the hypos were away but they are back. I have taken 2 mg of Ativan and a trilafon and I am not sleepy in the least. In fact, I am hyped up. I am reading hilarious stuff and not so funny stuff on the web and Twitter. It is stimulating my brain. I should be reading the civil war book. I am down to only the last 87 pages!!! But I don’t feel like reading. I am too restless to actually read a book. I rather be on the net.

I put in a new page to my blog called “What I blog about” for those that are interested. It was a blog but I turned it into a page so it is more visible. I am tired of people becoming concerned with what I write because it has to do with suicide. I bet dimes to donuts that if I was talking about cancer, I would not be getting the same reaction.

My thoughts of suicide have been diminished for the day. I am too “high” to really be suicidal. I am just in a great mood and I don’t need sleep right now. I have nothing to do tomorrow. I am not in pain so I don’t have to take my downer pain medication. I think the Excedrin that I took for my headache might have caused this. It has caffeine in it and sometimes I can become overstimulated with it.

I love feeling this way and wish it would last forever. But I know once I do get to sleep, these feelings will be gone. I feel so hyped up that I want to start a rant on Twitter but I don’t know what to write about. I already complained about my medication screw up. My mail order company is charging me $10 more than retail for a 30 day supply of medication. I sent them an email saying I am not paying for it and I will get it filled at the local pharmacy. I don’t see my doc until next month and I will be out of my meds by then. I specifically requested a 90 day supply so I don’t know why it wasn’t honored. I don’t know what is going to happen with this medication. I don’t know if I can ship it back to them or not. I am not going to open the package. I will just ship it back as return to sender, not wanted or something. It really pisses me off that I have to go through this hassle since they changed the way prescriptions are “refilled” with their fancy website. You used to be able to say “no, this isn’t what I want”. Now you just leave a comment, which obviously got ignored. I don’t know if it is the medical assistant’s fault or the doctor’s fault. But I am not going to be paying double for a 30 day supply.

I have finally figured out how to have the Bluetooth setting on my laptop. I have to go into PC devices or some shit like that. And the only way to get to it is by doing a search. It doesn’t pop up on settings or any other fucking thing. Pisses me off. I think I have mastered the settings. But we’ll see. I really do like my new Bluetooth headset. It is very comfortable and soundproof. I barely heard my mother struggle up the stairs tonight and usually it sounds like she is taking the stairs apart!

Tomorrow I am going to edit my psychosis short story. I have yet to work on it since I edited it. That will just leave the brick story to do, once I get to Starbucks. It probably won’t be until Monday when I have to take my father to the docs. Maybe after the appointment, I should go to my docs office and raise holy hell about not getting a 90 day supply of my medication. But the front office people won’t be able to do anything about it, but leave messages to the nurses, who then have to talk to the doctors, and then get back to me. Talk about a fucking run around.

I was going to watch Dune tonight but then I remembered the sand worms. Those buggers creep me out every time I see them. Even reading about it in a book creeped me out. So the case is collecting dust on top of a box that should be recycled. One of these days, I will recycle it. I really should make an effort to try and clean my room but I find it too overwhelming.

I printed off a thing about Leenaars and Shneidman. It’s a reflection of Shneidman’s work in the field of suicidology. I recently read it and it was free online. I was shock because most articles you have to pay for. But anyways, I got it free and it’s an interesting read. It is similar to the interview that someone did in the journal Suicide and Life-Threatening Behavior. I miss Shneidman. I wish he was here so I could talk to him about my suicidality and if going through this pain is worth it. It would mean so much to me if he told me my life had purpose and worth. But he is dead and I never had a chance to ask him these questions.

Yesterday my mother pissed me off because she said “I didn’t know there was a boy in the house”. I really wanted to comment on this but I didn’t. I just walked away, fuming. She said that because my haircut is a men’s cut and very, very close cut, almost military like. I love it, she hates it. But I don’t fucking care. It’s my head and I will do what I want to it. But her comments are uncalled for. She doesn’t know I am transgender and that is part of the problem. Course, right now, I don’t even know what “transgender” means to me. I know I am a male but I don’t want a penis. I want a mastectomy and facial hair. That is all I want in this life and if I can’t get it, sign my death certificate. But my death certificate might be coming sometime this year anyway as I don’t want to turn 40. I plan on ending my life sometime this year. That is all I am going to say on the matter.

Back to Being Depressed

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Back to being depressed

The hypomanic stuff has finally worked its way out of my system. They don’t last too long. I was lucky to have it for as long as I did. I miss it already. But I am still being productive. I saw my psychiatrist today. She looks good and I think she was happy to see me. It is much better meeting in person than talking via email! She gave me the run down on her issues. She isn’t back full time yet, just working three days a week. I forgot to ask her about her pager so I sent her an email. I haven’t heard back yet. I gave her the run down of how the last few days have been and asked if I am managing it ok. It was so difficult without talking to her first. But she said I kept her in the loop and that I managed okay. I still am struggling and I asked her if this was to continue. She just said “we’ll see”. It’s not that often that I have a hypomanic episode. I get one every few years, though this is my second one since being on the remeron. While I was in the hospital in August, and a few days of starting the remeron, I had great euphoria, the complete opposite of what I came in for (being suicidal). It only lasted about 18 hours. This time it lasted a little bit longer than that. I am just waiting for the big crash. I know that is coming, I just don’t know when.

Today was colder than it has been all week. Tomorrow is supposed to be raining so I don’t think I will be going out. I have been out almost every day this week, only exception being Monday when I was in sleep/depression land. I picked up my niece today, which I think is the straw that is going to break the camel’s back. My calves are killing me. Between my house and her school, there are a lot of little hills. It took a lot out of me and I know I am going to be sore tomorrow. But I don’t mind because I am not planning on going out. Only reason I might go out is to get my prescription I dropped off at the pharmacy. I still have enough pills to get me through the weekend so if I don’t go tomorrow, I can certainly go Sunday.

My new Bluetooth headphones came today. They are much more comfortable than the other pair that I had. Next week I will test them out while walking. My old pair didn’t do too well but then they are nearly 5 years old. I hope the mic works well. I haven’t tried it out yet. The only thing that sucks about this headset is that you need a laptop to charge it. Not really going to be useful while I am in the hospital, if I should happen to get admitted again.

I am preparing myself for getting a new phone in the upcoming months. I bought a micro 64GB card and an otterbox. Both items were on sale so I didn’t feel bad buying them. And the cool thing about the 64GB is that I can also use it as a USB drive. I am going to get the Galaxy S5. But I am going to wait until the S6 comes out to Sprint before buying it because I would hate to pay $200 when I could pay half that or less. I am due an upgrade as it has been more than two years since my last one. I just don’t know if I want to spend $200 on a phone that is likely to become “old” in 6 months. My phone still works but lately it has been freezing and I have had to shut it down a few times to get it working right again. I just hope that all my songs I can transfer without a “licensing” issue. It will really suck to have to either buy the songs again or not be able to download it through Amazon’s MP3 player. But I will cross that bridge when I get to it.